6 posts tagged “stress”
i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
<-- beaming cellphone cozy, $6. made especially for the diyscene may theme ! available now on my etsy shop ! "are you a female young messiah for stowaways in dugouts? and are you what church folk mean by the good news pulling plastic bags off heads? or are you giving me a dirty look in the rear view clicking the button on your u-ha pen? don't pretend you don't see me coming around the bend on my fixi with the chopped corns turned in trailing behind your biodiesel bends. stalker's my whole style and if i get caught i'll deny, deny, deny." more of simeon's dilemma by why? (: hehe. i love it, love it. but i also have a new love of seabear ! since this totally cute finnish guy recommended them to me on lastfm. i don't like them just cos that cute guy recommended them to me, but also cos they are so amazingly good ! they are... a lot of the things i love about music. the melodies, cute lyrics. just all around fun, fun, fun. the reason why i love putting on my headphones in the morning and love wearing them all day, even when i'm not supposed to. i'd hate it if i was deaf; i just love music so much.
i'm having one of those shitty-ass days where i'm all, blah blah, whatever. i think i just need a huge-ass does of eternal sunshine to remind me that life is sunshine. i haven't been doing any goals. i have such seasonal depression. -___- i have to find some way to fight it off, and i guess that starts out with figuring out what makes me happy. i'm tired of being all depressed, ugh. things have just been pissing me off and stressing me out. today the media art honor society adviser teacher was stressing me out. i need a better outlet. today i went on a long walk to the post office. it was a walk/run and it made me realize how much of a weakling asshole i am. ever since i returned that richard simmons video i've been so out of it. i just bought it on ebay a few seconds ago. i need to go out running so much more often. i need to work out so much more. over the summer i want to get the fittest i've ever been, and with the help of all the techniques i learned from paul mckenna about eating right, exercising is the next step. i've also learned a lot in gym class this year, even though that might sound so weird. maybe if i look better i'll be happier.
i'm having one of those shitty-ass days where i'm all, blah blah, whatever. i think i just need a huge-ass does of eternal sunshine to remind me that life is sunshine. i haven't been doing any goals. i have such seasonal depression. -___- i have to find some way to fight it off, and i guess that starts out with figuring out what makes me happy. i'm tired of being all depressed, ugh. things have just been pissing me off and stressing me out. today the media art honor society adviser teacher was stressing me out. i need a better outlet. today i went on a long walk to the post office. it was a walk/run and it made me realize how much of a weakling asshole i am. ever since i returned that richard simmons video i've been so out of it. i just bought it on ebay a few seconds ago. i need to go out running so much more often. i need to work out so much more. over the summer i want to get the fittest i've ever been, and with the help of all the techniques i learned from paul mckenna about eating right, exercising is the next step. i've also learned a lot in gym class this year, even though that might sound so weird. maybe if i look better i'll be happier.
lately i've been feeling like i've been such an ass. i've been really moody, and really sensitive at times. i just don't like these new and constant mood swings. all day today i had a sort of 'fuck everything' attitude. my nose looks huge in my self-portrait by the way; it doesn't normally look that big, but for some reason it does in that picture. i don't know. i need to watch more movies, or read more novels ! but i'm pretty wrapped up in studying for my AP test. i'm aiming for a 5, but i'd be happy with a 3 or 4 as well. since i only have one, as i said, i feel like i have no excuse to not do really well. i've been studying a lot, and i hope it pays off in the end. still haven't made an etsy sale lately. maybe my confidence left with my sales. i don't know, but i don't like how i've been. everything just seems to come naturally. i need to work harder at everything. i need to be better than i am. damn, damn, damn, maybe that's me fucking things up again. i'm really at a loss for ideas on what to do. i guess i should just go watch ugly betty and live with it. i just seem to be getting tired of everyone. i'm all over the place and it sucks. i don't know how i feel about anything or anyone. who would know if i don't?
<-- nautical button destash, $4. listed today in my etsy shop ! lately, i've been wishing way too much and thinking too little. i've been feeling sorry for myself too much and i need to fix it. tomorrow marks the beginning of april. i can only try to exercise, but i think i might need a hiatus from my massive amount of goals. maybe for a week, or a couple of days, i'm not sure. i don't know what to do exactly. i just haven't been myself lately i suppose. things need to look up more often, rather than being where they are now. i don't like where i am anymore; i need more of.. something, i just don't know why. i need a break from this house i live in. it's just not healthy. it's not organic or kosher, and definitely not vegan. there is nothing pure about it; all it does is take away your purity and it desensitizes you to the point where you won't be able to handle it anymore. that is my family right now, and i'm so over it. i just want to sell things on etsy, by clothing and make a difference in the world. is that too much to ask from life? have you ever just felt that overwhelming hopelessness? that feeling like things will never get better. i hate that. i think i should change my goal for the month, or add one on, an important one.. write thank you notes. in doing this, i hope to let go of some anger, and possibly send them. i think i really should. so, just to verify, write thank-you notes, will be in my april goals.
so today is my last day being a vegan; it feels as though i'm parting with an old friend i grew to know so well. i must say i will never forget this month. the endless cravings and the constant self-control maintained, taught me a lot. i learned a lot about myself, how i can actually control what i do and what i don't. i learned that i am surrounded by great friends, who continue to support me and have interest in my well being; to those who helped me on this journey, i thank you and love you dearly. i learned that i can live without meat and dairy, which shows me, if there is anything i ever want to eliminate from my diet, it is possible. this has empowered me and i will be doing it again next year in february. for april, i have a lot of preparation to do i suppose, or maybe not so much. i guess i'll be going out for a run tomorrow maybe, maybe not. but now that i saw myself dive right into veganism head on, maybe i should do the same with exercise. maybe it's best just to dive right in. you never know what will come back out.
today marks the end of a month long journey. i hope as i continue to achieve my goals, they all empower me as much as this one did. vegans, i salute and applaud you. it is a hard life, but i admire your protest in what you believe is right.
so today is my last day being a vegan; it feels as though i'm parting with an old friend i grew to know so well. i must say i will never forget this month. the endless cravings and the constant self-control maintained, taught me a lot. i learned a lot about myself, how i can actually control what i do and what i don't. i learned that i am surrounded by great friends, who continue to support me and have interest in my well being; to those who helped me on this journey, i thank you and love you dearly. i learned that i can live without meat and dairy, which shows me, if there is anything i ever want to eliminate from my diet, it is possible. this has empowered me and i will be doing it again next year in february. for april, i have a lot of preparation to do i suppose, or maybe not so much. i guess i'll be going out for a run tomorrow maybe, maybe not. but now that i saw myself dive right into veganism head on, maybe i should do the same with exercise. maybe it's best just to dive right in. you never know what will come back out.
today marks the end of a month long journey. i hope as i continue to achieve my goals, they all empower me as much as this one did. vegans, i salute and applaud you. it is a hard life, but i admire your protest in what you believe is right.
lately i've found myself being so completely unhappy. especially a day like today, where i found myself feeling so adolescent and stupid. i hate feeling like i am my age, or like i'm immature. i know i'm probably never going to fully grow up, just cos that's my nature. my nature is to try and be a neutral age, or a neutral person. someone who can get along with people that are any age. as much as i love talking about politics, i also love talking about webkinz. things like that make me feel pretty good. it's like a personality achievement. but i still haven't been too happy with myself lately, and i don't like feeling as though i have low self-esteem. i guess the root of the problem is, i don't feel completely needed anymore, by anyone but myself. i guess i kind of like having people dependent on me. i haven't had that in a while, but i guess i need it.
so today i had a taste of teenage angst, and i must say, it was a quite awful taste and i wish i wouldn't have had it. so a while back i spoke of not missing that SAT course i was taking a year before everyone else? well yesterday i was in school until 4.10ish, finishing my painting for art, that i still haven't finished. that painting has been the bane of my existence for the past few weeks because i can't get the sky right ! but that's besides the point. i cursed some people out because they were making noises and blah blah blah, i was feeling stressed and bitchy. so i get home, hungry as hell and just trying to freaking get by, and we're about to go out to dinner. then my dad realizes, oh ! i have my SAT course today. i didn't freaking want to go. i was hungry ! and would've been completely unfocused due to the growls of my stomach and the dryness of my throat. i know myself, and i know that it would ruin any concentration of mine, so i said i wasn't going, i was hungry. and so now my dad is mad at me, and is probably going to give me the high school-type silent treatment, like he has before. i think it's stupid and immature of him. i'm not sure if this whole ordeal was really angst or just hunger, but nevertheless, i did do something somewhat irrational i guess.
all the stress from this little ordeal made me so crazy and depressed once i got home from dinner. i just stayed in my room, waiting for LOST to come on. that show never fails to freaking amaze me and make me feel better. it's like it matches my mood every time to make me feel better or make me think. last night's episode made me cry hysterically out of utter joy. i loved it. it was my favorite episode of the season, not to be topped by any. desmond is my new favorite character.
so today i had a taste of teenage angst, and i must say, it was a quite awful taste and i wish i wouldn't have had it. so a while back i spoke of not missing that SAT course i was taking a year before everyone else? well yesterday i was in school until 4.10ish, finishing my painting for art, that i still haven't finished. that painting has been the bane of my existence for the past few weeks because i can't get the sky right ! but that's besides the point. i cursed some people out because they were making noises and blah blah blah, i was feeling stressed and bitchy. so i get home, hungry as hell and just trying to freaking get by, and we're about to go out to dinner. then my dad realizes, oh ! i have my SAT course today. i didn't freaking want to go. i was hungry ! and would've been completely unfocused due to the growls of my stomach and the dryness of my throat. i know myself, and i know that it would ruin any concentration of mine, so i said i wasn't going, i was hungry. and so now my dad is mad at me, and is probably going to give me the high school-type silent treatment, like he has before. i think it's stupid and immature of him. i'm not sure if this whole ordeal was really angst or just hunger, but nevertheless, i did do something somewhat irrational i guess.
all the stress from this little ordeal made me so crazy and depressed once i got home from dinner. i just stayed in my room, waiting for LOST to come on. that show never fails to freaking amaze me and make me feel better. it's like it matches my mood every time to make me feel better or make me think. last night's episode made me cry hysterically out of utter joy. i loved it. it was my favorite episode of the season, not to be topped by any. desmond is my new favorite character.
<-- new item just added to my etsy shop. hand-knit fingerless gloves, $6. so i've been pretty obsessively involved in my etsy shop as of late. i don't know if it's just that i need a distraction or i need money; probably both.
i currently have a terrible splitting headache that is making me want to explode. it's like my heart is beating hard and heavy inside my head but i can't get rid of it. i need to take an advil. i can feel my temperature rising too. too much stress for a school-free week i guess.
my relationship with my dad is shriveling up faster and faster it seems. it's quickening. we don't talk. he doesn't talk to me anymore. i don't know if i'm relieved or if i'm angry. i just don't really want to question it cos i know he hates me now. now that he's seen the horribleness of my grudge, and who could love that? i guess no one loves unconditionally. i know i sure as hell don't. but as the days go by i talk to him less and less. i talk less and less. i don't know if i'm growing or shrinking in mind and heart. i don't know if i'm turning antisocial or turning into who i should be. i guess it's sad when you've seen your parents as villains for so long, to finally accept them as humans who made a hell of a lot of mistakes. as i've said, i'm gradually trying to rid myself of my terrible amount of grudges, but when it's your parents who are supposed to be your guides and helpers through life, it's hard. i have two years left of this. hating my dad for being so passive and hating my mom for being so aggressive. i always say i don't hate, but sometimes i wonder if it's true. what is hate anyway?
today was pretty basic i guess. not much happened, except new listings on etsy. just babysitting for no money and trying to get publicity for my shop. i guess as my subconscious pain increases, the more i work. the more i strive to become financially independent from my parents. the more i craft, the more i study. i know my life isn't terrible. i'd never say i hated life as long as i am alive. shit happens, and shit has happened to me too many times. i'd never take my own life, but sometimes i just want to leave the place that is supposed to be my home. i miss my friends. i miss feeling like things would get better, or like things were/are okay. i can feel myself strengthening, or weakening. i can't tell, but whatever it is, it's taking over me. i wish i knew which one it was. next month i've decided to go vegan, just to test my strengths and see if i can do it. i'm tired of feeling out of control. i want and need to prove to myself that i have self-control.
i currently have a terrible splitting headache that is making me want to explode. it's like my heart is beating hard and heavy inside my head but i can't get rid of it. i need to take an advil. i can feel my temperature rising too. too much stress for a school-free week i guess.
my relationship with my dad is shriveling up faster and faster it seems. it's quickening. we don't talk. he doesn't talk to me anymore. i don't know if i'm relieved or if i'm angry. i just don't really want to question it cos i know he hates me now. now that he's seen the horribleness of my grudge, and who could love that? i guess no one loves unconditionally. i know i sure as hell don't. but as the days go by i talk to him less and less. i talk less and less. i don't know if i'm growing or shrinking in mind and heart. i don't know if i'm turning antisocial or turning into who i should be. i guess it's sad when you've seen your parents as villains for so long, to finally accept them as humans who made a hell of a lot of mistakes. as i've said, i'm gradually trying to rid myself of my terrible amount of grudges, but when it's your parents who are supposed to be your guides and helpers through life, it's hard. i have two years left of this. hating my dad for being so passive and hating my mom for being so aggressive. i always say i don't hate, but sometimes i wonder if it's true. what is hate anyway?
today was pretty basic i guess. not much happened, except new listings on etsy. just babysitting for no money and trying to get publicity for my shop. i guess as my subconscious pain increases, the more i work. the more i strive to become financially independent from my parents. the more i craft, the more i study. i know my life isn't terrible. i'd never say i hated life as long as i am alive. shit happens, and shit has happened to me too many times. i'd never take my own life, but sometimes i just want to leave the place that is supposed to be my home. i miss my friends. i miss feeling like things would get better, or like things were/are okay. i can feel myself strengthening, or weakening. i can't tell, but whatever it is, it's taking over me. i wish i knew which one it was. next month i've decided to go vegan, just to test my strengths and see if i can do it. i'm tired of feeling out of control. i want and need to prove to myself that i have self-control.
