1 post tagged “slacking”
i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
