8 posts tagged “self-portrait”

finished my second entire wall. i'm so proud of myself ! hehe. so yeah, now my room is officially half collaged ! well, more than half, actually. my ceiling should be done soon, i still have to work on it. anyway, i needed to share, but i have a ton of homework so i'll make this short. in terms of my life, i'm sort of torn between a guy that's taken and a guy i hardly know, hah. i know, i'm a stupidass. both may or may not happen, but i hate sounding like a teenager so before i get into some mindless rant about how i want to be in love or how i don't want to be in love or how i want someone who's taken or how i want someone who's single, etc. i'll stop here. it's two days until my birthday ! i can't wait !

and i'm watching this tonight. it's my favorite movie and while on michel gondry's facebook (i know, he has one ! and he's the only michel gondry there is. i just randomly decided to search for him one day and found him ! such a genius) i saw a comment by someone posting this article.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7685541.stm

oh, poor mice who may have been erased of the memories of a long lost lover.

i was on flickr today, aka. my old- new lover. it was always there, but i ignored it until last weekend. i fixed mine up and now i'm growing obsessed. buy me pro please?

anyway, so i was on a discussion for a flickr group and it was titled 'what is your story?' i clicked on it, and was just thinking, what will i write? as i wrote, going back to then, thinking about who i was as opposed to who i am, i just love life. i just love my chronicles. i just love that i have my own personal history. i've been thinking about my life a lot lately, and how there are so many positive and negative events i don't want to forget. there are so many people that have come in and out of my life that either hurt me or made me better, and i don't want to forget, no matter how much i may have though i regretted it in the first place. i'm sort of thinking about writing a book about it. not a book as much as a collection of thank you notes. i'm not looking to get it published or anything, but it'd just be a way for me, personally, to remember everything i've been through if i ever need something to write about or something to think about. i feel like i have so much material and so many life experiences that i need some way to keep it all, since eventually it won't be as alive in my mind as it is today. but anyway, here's what i wrote for the group discussion:

"this could be long, or fairly short.

my life has basically been ups, downs and experiences. i had a happy childhood defined by 90s boy bands and being scared of marilyn manson. my family started out sort of always on the edge of disaster, but i ignored it since i was so young. i had no time or thought to cherish the moments that would later define my character. but ever since i was young, i loved movies and had been interested in doing something creative with my life.

as i continued through the years, the disaster finally hit me, and all my prior life's experiences just felt like nothing to me. i ignored everything, became apathetic, and fell literally, into darkness. my sister went to the hospital for.. reasons... and my family was tearing apart at the seams. i thought things would never recover. i was self-destructive and goth. a burden on everyone, basically. i started to like marilyn manson and i turned to poetry, blogging and friends on the internet to save me, but i later found i'd have to save myself. i never did drugs, not even then, but that rough patch in my life, i almost thought i wouldn't get out. i even contemplated suicide.

i came to a realization, through constant reading and movie- watching, that my life wasn't so terrible. i weened myself off of all the dark things, still maintaining small flavors of it, (such as, i still like marilyn manson) and i just decided to make the best of my life, because i'm lucky to have it. i decided i wanted to be a filmmaker and share my realization with the world. some call it my enlightenment, i call it finding myself. with my new love of film, i decided to take the road through photography first. photography is just another way to visually express my feelings. between writing and photography is filmmaking, so i enjoy both. i don't regret where i came from, or any of my experiences, but i know they will help me when i'm stuck for ideas later on, but as long as i have creative outlets of some kind, i'm good.

i'm still currently in high school, as a student filmmaker and i run an online shop to keep busy; jamieleto.etsy.com (:

this is the long, short version."

that is really the short version. there is so much more detail and so many things in between. life is just so amazing and extensive when you think about it. i like to think about it. i like it.

i love when people say 'this song makes me feel like home.' it means a lot to me. there have been so many different songs in my life that have truly made a difference for me, whether for their positive or negative messages or tones. i distinctly remember i point in time where i was obsessed with 'freelove' by depeche mode. that was in the era of my obsession with finding someone. i don't need someone right now, as much as i wouldn't mind. i have so much on my mind, so many things to love.. maybe it's best i just don't think about anything else. anyway, so about music, i also remember a distinct point in time in ninth grade, in love with sir mosleh and too afraid to let him know how i felt, even though i told him and later told him i didn't feel that way while i still did. it was during my electronica michael alig phase. and the song of choice after ruining myself was 'chemistry of a car crash' by shiny toy guns. i can't listen to that song anymore, by the way. i don't know why, since i'm completely over it, but i guess it brings back those old feelings and thoughts such as, why did you do that? why did you ruin that? not that there was anything there really. to me there was, but not much i guess. i didn't really notice how he was feeling i guess. but anyway, that was years ago. fuck i'm getting old. anyway, so now, while in the midst of my new book, fabulously entitled 'love is a mixtape: life and loss one song at a time' [not that i'm looking to lose someone] i noticed how much i neglected preserving my music taste throughout the years in some form. i have the memories, but how long will they last? i have no idea what i'm going to do, but i think i need to start laying out my life. i think i'll need to begin in this month's palaver. events i remember that defined some part of my life, or are just such great memories i have to keep them. speaking of which, i have so much work left to do on the new palaver. i haven't even finished the featured artist section or made the etsy style section. hopefully it'll be out by saturday. i'll make that the due date for myself right now, hehe. and so, to finally wrap this long rambling up, here are the songs that currently, for me, make anywhere feel like home.
-the weight she fell under by the parenthetical girls
-chicago x 12 by rogue wave
-is there a ghost by band of horses
-all i need by radiohead
-reckoner by radiohead
-videotape by radiohead
-glosoli by sigur ros

i'm so frustrated right now ! i don't know how i want to cut my hair. i don't know what i want to do with it. i tried to get some advice from a magazine, but it was all about the shape of your face. i tried to figure out what shape my face was in and came out with nothing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHAPE MY FACE IS ! hahah. i tried to figure it out, but i failed. i want a haircut that will frame my face and make me look prettier. i watch shear genius and these people just know what they want to do with the hair, but as of now, i'm an ass with an etsy- based cash flow, hehe, i can't afford a fancy haircut yet. i'll save up for one eventually, but there are things i need to buy that are further ahead on the list. i want something edgy and modern, but not what EVERYONE has. everyone seems to be trying to pull off the heidi klum bangs or the feist bangs. i don't really want that type of haircut. i don't want what everyone else has to be honest, but right now, i think devendra banhart and i have the same haircut.

if anyone has any sort of know- how when it comes to hairstyles, PLEASE COMMENT. i want suggestions. my hair is naturally brown and kind of fluffy and wavy. i don't know if i have a square, circular, ovular or heart- shaped face, but by my pictures on my blog i suppose you can tell. i don't know if i could pull off a shorter cut or if i could pull off having my hair longer, so please, help ! hehe.

<-- bird, wire, post by basho. THIS ITEM IS NOT MADE BY ME !

i've decided to try to do consecutive things. something to be a constant. i failed with my self-portraits, but i'm going to try that again too. i think i'll have favorite fridays, where i'll post one of my favorite things from etsy, and self-portrait tuesday [self-explanatory]. i don't think i'll do them every week, but i'll try to do at least one once a week. but, sadly, my mind is overtaken by the amazing tv show 'lost,' in that, whenever i think of having a 'constant' i think of the episode where desmond is having extreme flashbacks/flash forwards and he needs to find a 'constant,' who ends up being penny. i love that episode. anyway, more on basho.

i'm a big fan of basho. i like how their screenprints are of birds, especially birds on wires because they're my favorite. they're just such a symbol of freedom for me. i love birds and i love trees, and i love how basho's clothing seems to capture such beauty in nature.

by the way, my little brother has burst a new obsession in me.. a cartoon show called 'pucca.'

today is one of those days where absolutely nothing goes as planned. everything feels like a mess and i feel like i've been let down, even though i'm always afraid to admit it. i had plans with my friend today that were canceled. not the first time, but i just hate when i plan things and they go to waste. another one of my friends even asked me to chill today but i said i couldn't cos i was hanging out with the other friend. so now i'm left with no plans, feeling shitty, and everything just keeps piling up. the highlight of my day was a beautiful film called amelie, which i'll probably watch again. but it did bring me a rude awakening, that explaining the complexities and strange characteristics of your characters through a narration, which i've seen in films of wes anderson and juno, is becoming a new indie filmmaking fad. i, at first, planned to use this often, but now that i see how often it is being used in the film world today, i think i better stray from it. let people figure out my complex characters for themselves through their oddities and eyes. i guess some good can come out of slow days. i guess i'll just work out more.

don't you hate it when you work hard and nothing comes quickly? i know i do. i wish everything would just come faster. you wait for things, work for things, and things just remain things. that's why it's so hard to achieve goals. prices rise every year, you grow stronger or weaker every minute. every time you think you have the ability to doubt or support, and it pretty much sucks when you have so much time on your hands, like i do today. you doubt what your niche is, you doubt your career choice, you doubt your friends and doubt life itself. that's what i hate sometimes. i fear that maybe my current friends may become like the friends i left. the friends i left because they were unreliable, and didn't really care enough about me as i would've liked. people are shallow most of the time. people like for you to come to their house, rather than they come to yours. people like to spend your money rather than their own, and people would much rather have a pretty friend than an ugly friend, unless of course they were only friends with the ugly one so when they stroll down the school corridors together, the onlookers would think 'jeez, that one is hot, cos the other one is hideous !' sometimes i wonder why some of my friends are friends with me. do they really care or do they just like me for silly reasons i can't explain? etsy sales have been terribly slow this month. i don't know if i've wronged myself in some way, or i just stopped caring. i don't think it's the second one, but maybe it's been my lack of treasuries, even though i'm on the front page of etsy's 'gag gift' gift guide. sometimes etsy hearts annoy me because they can mean three things. i want to add your to my treasury, i want to buy you, or the dreaded third option, it's cool, but i wouldn't buy it. i feel as though i've been knitting all week. i feel like a grandma of sorts ! i feel like everything is just rushing around me. i'm tired of the rush. i want to just be. i always have to remind myself that no one is perfect in high school, but it's just annoying when everyone is so deceiving.

yeah, this is my self- portrait of the week, hehe. i was contemplating for so long posting it, but it really sums up my last days of being vegan. yes, it's obnoxious, but it's me and today i felt confident enough to post it. so basically, the story behind this was the museum of natural history. i went last friday and they had all this food that looked so good ! pizza, chicken nuggets, donuts, wraps, salads with ranch dressing ! yum, fats ! but then, of course, i had to take the vegan road, so i ended up getting this vegetable pasta, non-meat couscous and broccoli. it was a good lunch, but i did hate watching everyone enjoy their meals more, hehe.

so today i went out running ! watching peaceful warrior really pumped me up. today i just feel a lot more serene and i like it. i feel more in tuned with my feelings and everything. i feel more active and happy. i hope everyday of this will make me calmer. i think that's one of my flaws; my over-enthusiasm or obnoxious nature. i dwell on things, i let things bother me, and i'm too loud at times. i don't know if that's something to love or loathe. all i know is i love just being back into a new goal. it makes me feel more complete. whenever i start achieving a goal i feel so much more complete and good about myself. maybe if i started a goal every week i'd always be happy.

after i watched peaceful warrior, pride & prejudice was on the oxygen network [yeah i know, i'm a loser who likes to watch the oxygen network sometimes] and i really liked it. of course, like most girls, i totally fell for mr. darcy, just cos he was so dedicated to his love. he did everything he could to help elizabeth and was so modest in professing his love. it's just what every girl wants i suppose. jane austen's character was just such an absolute ideal, but i suppose that is what happens whenever a woman writes a romance novel; one character will be their absolute ideal... it just sucks that it's so hard to find.

<--my first treasury ! only at etsy.com ! so today i had to go back to school. completely dreaded it and for good reason. i absolutely dread school now that i know how it is to not be in school for a week, practically alone. i don't know, i guess school is fun, but i do prefer being on my own sometimes. but eh, i guess i needed to come back. sometimes you can get too much of a good thing, hm?

so today i finally saw juno ! i downloaded it and i feel terrible about it, but i was dying to see it and i did ! so i'm happy. it is now one of my favorite movies EVER. i really loved it, more than i thought i would. the ending was phenomenal and unpredictable. diablo cody is like, my new favorite person, and so is jason reitman ! it was done flawlessly. i loved the hell out of it.

so yesterday night was the oscars, hm? i loved it even though everyone said it was boring. i guess when you enjoy film, you enjoy the crap montages and the lame humor. one thing in a montage really hit me really hit me hard, straight in the heart. it was the 'bringing charlie chaplin out of exile.' i had no idea. i love him so much and i know he had a downfall after silent films went out, but i still have so much love for him, but i had no idea how much i connected with him. when i heard him say 'thank you for the honor of inviting me here,' i wanted to cry. it made me feel so great inside. a genius getting the respect he deserved, after all those years away from the spotlight and in poverty. he will always be near and dear to my heart and a continued influence on everything i do.

so was i happy with the oscar outcomes? i couldn't say just cos, the only films i've seen that were nominated were Juno, Across the Universe, Ratatouille and Sweeney Todd. i didn't see No Country for Old Men, i'm sorry to say. i'm dying to see both No Country for Old Men and Once.

i've also decided to do two things. first one, to post one item a day, or a treasury a day on etsy. second thing, i've decided to take an idea from one of the etsy sellers here on vox, who i subscribe to, called cubistliterature. i think it would be beneficial for me to take a self-portrait every week. i know he doesn't, but i want to. i think it's really nice to be self-aware and know who i am. so i'm going to start. by the way, if i haven't written it here, i'm going vegan next month, just to test myself.