3 posts tagged “sad”
i think too much. it was really sunny today. i decided not to stay after school and just come home. i still haven't called my parents to tell them that, but whatever. i'm listeing to rogue wave and being a mope-y weenie, but i;m actually okay with it. i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm starting to have second thoughts. my etsy sales are picking up and i got a convo this morning for a wholesale inquiry ! i'm madly excited. i've officially decided that listening to chicago x 12 while feeling sad is the greatest medication anywhere. i was probably just about to right a sort of asshole blog entry, but it got fixed by rogue wave's cheerful beats. now it's being followed by badly drawn boy. (: the world seems to know what i need.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- i found this on etsy the other day. kurt vonnegut is seriously, one of my favorite people to ever live. he's my soul mate, we were just born in the wrong decades. someday we'll be together, haha. not for his looks, for his mind. we thought sort of the same. i love his dark humor. i love how his books are so apocalyptic and full of the fall of humanity. it sounds weird, but i guess it's only for those who understand. it's hard for me to find someone i can really talk to about vonnegut's works and such. some people just don't understand my fascination with the apocalypse and the fall of humanity. i guess i wouldn't either if it wasn't me. i don't know, but i love this pin. it's the essence of vonnegut for a high school student.
i really want this shirt ! i love timber ! his art is so amazing and it has such great texture to it. i have yet to buy something from him, but if my wholesale inquiry goes well then i'll probably be buying more than that ! hehe. i'm really excited. if it goes through i won't have to worry about money for a good while, and hopefully i could eventually accumulate enough for my camcorder by next year ! i'm really hoping, hoping, hoping ! hehe. anyway, i love the illustration on this v-neck.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
first day of break and already i'm feeling really plain and uninspired. i feel like everything is in need of a lift and everything needs to change somehow. i don't really like how things are going right now, to be honest. i thought everything would seem more worthwhile than they have been as of late. i need something more than this. with my days of veganism soon coming to an end, the time to act on a new goal is soon approaching. i remember that first week of being vegan, feeling as if anything was possible. feeling like i'd conquered something deep inside myself. i think it's high time that i do something even more extreme. i feel i might have found some formerly unknown strength somewhere through being vegan, but i know i can't remain vegan while i'm still living at home, it'd just cause more problems in my already complicated life, sadly. and i do miss my best friend milk, dearly. but i do love the fact that it has, indeed, opened me up to new foods and has shown me that i am capable of that openness.
i feel so much like watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but not on a LOST night. maybe tomorrow night. i got 'once' from the library, but i haven't watched it yet. i think i'll wait to watch it with a friend of mine. i'm so afraid to be disappointed by it. its cover says it's supposed to be fantastic, but i'm so afraid of being disappointed. i've been dying to see it for so long now, i don't know what i'd do if i was to be disappointed. it'd just be sad to me, i suppose.
and in the midst of all these strange things, i've also found that i've been dreaming every night, and remembering them. it's strange because they're usually never consecutive. i wonder why. it never ceases to amaze me i guess. how dreams can just, well, you know, take hold. they just confuse me more and more.
i feel so much like watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but not on a LOST night. maybe tomorrow night. i got 'once' from the library, but i haven't watched it yet. i think i'll wait to watch it with a friend of mine. i'm so afraid to be disappointed by it. its cover says it's supposed to be fantastic, but i'm so afraid of being disappointed. i've been dying to see it for so long now, i don't know what i'd do if i was to be disappointed. it'd just be sad to me, i suppose.
and in the midst of all these strange things, i've also found that i've been dreaming every night, and remembering them. it's strange because they're usually never consecutive. i wonder why. it never ceases to amaze me i guess. how dreams can just, well, you know, take hold. they just confuse me more and more.
so today is valentine's day. i hate to admit that it actually really bothered me this year. i guess i thought i grew out of that feeling of neglect when i don't have a valentine, but i was more than wrong, i was dead wrong. around fourth period it started getting to me. the violin serenades being given out and the chocolates; i guess sometimes i just feel like i should be better than i am, skinnier than i am and nicer than i am... today was definitely one of those days. it's like being alive but dead.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
