5 posts tagged “reading”

long day. too long. too much room for thought, and then i overthink everything. especially what matters.

i started twilight, hardcore, today. i wasn't expecting to be as addicted as i'm growing. i guess now i understand the edward cullen hype. i guess anyone would love to fall in love with someone who was their absolute ideal in looks, combined with someone who would love them unconditionally to the extent that they would overcome so much and love them so much as to not only step out of their comfort zone, but to want to pretty much defy who they are. i've heard people make fun of other people for falling in love with a fictional character like edward cullen, but last year i fell in love with alex from a clockwork orange, i can't really talk. haha. don't ask why, i have strange taste. but anyway, i like it more than i though it would and i'm already almost 200 pages in. everyone is right when they say that you read it fast. i started reading slaughterhouse five last night also. i suck with books, honestly. i just have too many interests, and then i don't read fast enough. there is so much i want to read. right now i'm reading twilight, slaughterhouse five, watchmen and the crucible. probably tomorrow i'll be starting a different book. i'm an ass.


anyway, i'm going to be honest right now and truly vent something sort of embarrassing but maybe slightly sweet. i've written before about how i have crushes and such, but today i sort of went a little out of my normal self. i was talking to this guy i like about books and stuff. we read the same things, except he finishes them, haha. we watch the same movies and that kind of thing. i haven't really met anyone who intrigued me to this degree in a while. he makes me want to read what i haven't read and watch what i haven't seen. maybe it's that he has more free time than me or just reads faster, i don't know, but i'm just finding myself liking him. while we were talking, he was telling me which books he was going to read next, and i hadn't heard of either of them. being the ass i am, i want him to think i'm smarter than i am and i looked them up, hehe. it sort of makes me feel dumb when he reads so much more than i do, but what i want is someone who can have appreciation for things other people write, and who i'll be able to actually have a conversation with about things that matter. i guess i'm stupid for pretending i know something i don't, but it's just a stupid thing i did. you don't meet someone as fanatical about kurt vonnegut as you everyday. i don't know if i'm a bad person for it or if i'm just human. he reads nietzsche too. how often do you meet someone in high school who reads the same philiosophers you do? i'm just inspired and intrigued by him, i don't know. it's what i need. i need to read so i can get ahead and become better at writing and comprehending so when it comes time for filming, i'll be set. am i wrong?

tumblr, blogspot.. vox. i keep seeing people with kickass blogs ! i started thinking like, is mine boring? does anyone even read it? is mine worth reading? i'm not really the blog reading type.. i've never been the type to even want anyone to read my blogs, but now that i've been writing so little i feel a sort of emptiness as though i've been lacking here. i feel like i should make more of an effort to write everything down. writing and reading everyday would enrich me as a figure within the universe. i need to leave my tracks, because things just can't live on within the mind unless some really revolutionary scientific discovery is made in which you can extract the human brain into finding all the memories ever made by an individual. sorry, i'm not a brain surgeon. i'd love to do this as much as the next person, but sadly it hasn't come about yet. how amazing would it be? being able to see the world through someone else's eyes? to be a different soul and experience. it's so amazing. too bad it hasn't been possible as of yet.

lately i've been so deeply perplexed about some things. there's a... someone. i just don't know how comfortable i am with my feelings on the topic yet. i feel such a connectio with him. it's just like, such an obvious connection too. since we met there's been a connection between us and he knows it too. he's totally aware that we are so much alike. i'm growing more and more with interest in him every time we say anything. it's just.. there. it didn't even have to be contemplated. it seems like i should just move in on it, it seems like i should just take action, but it's not like that; he's taken. it hasn't completely taken me over, it hasn't completely taken my mind or soul to the point where it's all i can think about. it's not like other times i've been slightly interested in someone. it's just so.. civil? i don't know if that's the word. it's so... mutual? it's like, we talk so often that it seems like the only person he could speak more to would be his girlfriend i suppose. getting all this out of my system feels so good. anyway, so i've heard a lot of people all into a situation like this. waiting for them to break up to make a move, becoming a rebound and never turning into anything really solid. it's a bad thought. the thing is, i do care about him. he's just, the type of person i'd want for myself. someone with the same music taste, we can have deep conversations and he likes me for me. it's like having someone and you don't care how anyone else feels because they're your match in every sense of the word. it's so hard to try to keep my head while writing this, just because as i'm releasing, i'm noticing how much i really do care for him. either way, i don't want to be a villain or ruin what he has. when we first met and we had that immediate connection, he did get scared and back off for a while, just because he said it reminded him of how he and his current girlfriend has spoken before they started dating. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that and i wasn't even thinking like that, and i wasn't, but now it changed. but the thing is, it have no desire to steal him away, i want him to be happy. everyone says this, and half the time it's a lie, but i really want him to be happy. if he's happy with her, or he's happy with me, i just care about him, i guess. there are so many people in the world, and i constantly think, people say falling in love is so hard and so rare, yet marriages happen almost half as often as babies being born. love must not be so hard if it happens to so many people, but then i wonder, why hasn't it happened to me? i'm in love... and i just noticed i typed that and just felt completely embarassed. am i really in love with him?

<-- currently reading. second chapter and i'm already addicted. it's about a socialite named grady, living in a flat in new york city. i really like it. (:

as i read this book, it's making me think of how fast summer has passed by and how little i've done in that time. no summer homework, not enough exercise, not enough crafting, not enough anything. i'm almost to 50 etsy sales, and i'm positive that by the end of the year i'll have 100, but i wish i could do better. i need to do better is more what i should be saying. i have so many books i've taken out of the library all summer and i've only read 1. i've read parts of 2 and am really reading the one i'm on now, but i want to  have read at least 7 books by the end of the summer, and it shouldn't be as hard as it has been. i just need to bring my focus back to where it was in june. less flab, less fat in general. i'm just getting so worried that this summer is going by too quickly for me to keep up with it. i need to achieve more quicker or my life will pass me by so fast i won't even notice it going.

i'm cleaning out my room. essentially, getting rid of stuff  and keeping what matters. i'm throwing away my past and living in the present, with the exception of some old journals, but that should be agreeable. i'm almost finished. i love redecorating, making my room more spacious and continuing to collage my ceiling. i'm becoming more and more agitated with everyday, and i'm seriously considering therapy. i just need a boost of some kind. everyone needs a lift, but nothing i used to do works anymore. i need more ideas. i remember having the biggest burst of happiness when i went vegan. the restriction made me realize my freedom, but i couldn't live that way. vegetarian is the life for me, and i'm living it, but i need something more. i need to sort things out and be sure of things i'm unsure of. i need someone to sort it out with that's used to that, you know? as much as writing can help, i just want to know if i'm seriously having a problem. i tire of things and people too easily and i fear it sometimes. people aggravate me, but what if i eventually end up with no people at all? i don't know. tonight i'm going to make an exercise plan and this time i'm going to put everything into it... or i should just kick myself in the ass.

<-- upcycled knit cellphone cozy, soon to be available in my etsy shop ! currently entered in an earth day etsyowls competition ! today i felt so much like going on a journey of sorts. i went to the library, and successfully returned a lot of films i'd taken out, and was okay with it since i'd watched them all for once. i got the richard simmons video i'd been working out with before that had given me a good work out, along with a yoga video because i want to work on my flexibility. my goals for this year are a flat stomach, ability to run a mile without stopping and ability to touch my toes without bending my knees, since i can't do that, even though it's very pathetic. added to that is definitely learning to ride a bike, if that can really be put in the same category. i have so many goals, i feel like every other word i say is either a goal or the word goal ! haha. i guess that's the cost of wanting to live a fulfilling life. but i'm almost done with the novel i'm reading, so i suppose i have time to open up my doors a little bit before i have to do hardcore AP test studying. i don't think i have any excuse to not get a perfect score, since i only have one AP test, whereas, many of my friends have two or three. i need to push myself harder, but i guess i can't really help being sort of stand-offish. i guess it's my nature, but i do need to change it.

about the journey aspect, i think i'm ready to watch every film i possibly can. whenever i knit, i want to be watching a film, but i also want to exercise daily and get good grades. i think all this means, is rationing computer time. less time here, more time elsewhere, where i'm needed or where i should be, but of course i'll need to constantly return to check my etsy and write here, in my blog, etc. i just really need to take a break from a lot of bullshit and i need to work out a lot more. i desperately feel the need to become an exercise-a-holic, hahaha. but exercise is a lot more fun and rewarding than i originally gave it credit for. but i really want to take up fencing, so i might.

so it was one of those days that was pretty blunt and straightforward; uneventful and quite un-extraordinary. i'm looking forward to a week off from everything next week, cos that's pretty much what i'm going to make it.

this break is in such a weird place though, and it bothers me. its in the middle of nowhere, and it makes me sort of OCD and nauseated. i guess i kind of felt like time moved slower than this.

all i know is, this week i want to achieve something. if not something great, something i can remember. i want to start knitting hats. i think it'd be cool to just make a collection of hats and scarves that match in different colors. i could wear a hat and scarf everyday ! hehe.

i bought a book today at borders on digital photography, to hopefully give me ideas to vamp up my photos for etsy. i'm going to read more of it tonight and take more pictures in the morning. i can definitely say my parents got their money's worth out of buying me this camera. i use it all the time and pretty much bring it everywhere. tomorrow my etsy shop is getting a makeover.

tomorrow i' m probably going to be reading a lot. i have no plans at all for the next week, and i feel okay about it. there is something uneasy about me today, and irritable. i don't know where it came from. but i'm just happy to not be stressing over school for a week. i want to focus on my business, and waiting for my first paypal check in the mail. i guess once you notice you have nothing you want to buy on etsy at the moment, you just decide, transfer it to the account ! never happened to me, it did today.

so i've been working on goals, hm? i've decided that in april i'm going vegan for the whole month. it's nearly impossible in my house, but i'm going to work on it. some of my goals i've decided to do every year, this is one of them. every april i'm going to try to be vegan; maybe eventually it will catch on [with the exception of dairy cos sadly i know i could never like without it], but even as much as i love dairy, in the month of april it'll be dead to me.

so the whole day today felt like a repeat of sorts. i often feel as though things that happen, have happened before. i'm never quite sure if they have or maybe i saw it in one of my twisted dreams? i don't know. my life is such a blur to me cos sometimes my dreams are more interesting. a few days ago i had this dream that i forgot my english essay and totally failed at life... luckily i woke up after freaking out for a few minutes, wondering if i was in reality or in my head.

by the way, i'm currently obsessing over the Oscar nominated song from that irish film 'Once.' i'm so dying to see that. it's called 'falling slowly' and if my parents would finally stop being so uptight about me sleeping over people's houses then hopefully i'll get to watch it with alyssa and lexi the week after they return from florida. (: