2 posts tagged “memories”
i think too much. it was really sunny today. i decided not to stay after school and just come home. i still haven't called my parents to tell them that, but whatever. i'm listeing to rogue wave and being a mope-y weenie, but i;m actually okay with it. i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm starting to have second thoughts. my etsy sales are picking up and i got a convo this morning for a wholesale inquiry ! i'm madly excited. i've officially decided that listening to chicago x 12 while feeling sad is the greatest medication anywhere. i was probably just about to right a sort of asshole blog entry, but it got fixed by rogue wave's cheerful beats. now it's being followed by badly drawn boy. (: the world seems to know what i need.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- i found this on etsy the other day. kurt vonnegut is seriously, one of my favorite people to ever live. he's my soul mate, we were just born in the wrong decades. someday we'll be together, haha. not for his looks, for his mind. we thought sort of the same. i love his dark humor. i love how his books are so apocalyptic and full of the fall of humanity. it sounds weird, but i guess it's only for those who understand. it's hard for me to find someone i can really talk to about vonnegut's works and such. some people just don't understand my fascination with the apocalypse and the fall of humanity. i guess i wouldn't either if it wasn't me. i don't know, but i love this pin. it's the essence of vonnegut for a high school student.
i really want this shirt ! i love timber ! his art is so amazing and it has such great texture to it. i have yet to buy something from him, but if my wholesale inquiry goes well then i'll probably be buying more than that ! hehe. i'm really excited. if it goes through i won't have to worry about money for a good while, and hopefully i could eventually accumulate enough for my camcorder by next year ! i'm really hoping, hoping, hoping ! hehe. anyway, i love the illustration on this v-neck.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
tumblr, blogspot.. vox. i keep seeing people with kickass blogs ! i started thinking like, is mine boring? does anyone even read it? is mine worth reading? i'm not really the blog reading type.. i've never been the type to even want anyone to read my blogs, but now that i've been writing so little i feel a sort of emptiness as though i've been lacking here. i feel like i should make more of an effort to write everything down. writing and reading everyday would enrich me as a figure within the universe. i need to leave my tracks, because things just can't live on within the mind unless some really revolutionary scientific discovery is made in which you can extract the human brain into finding all the memories ever made by an individual. sorry, i'm not a brain surgeon. i'd love to do this as much as the next person, but sadly it hasn't come about yet. how amazing would it be? being able to see the world through someone else's eyes? to be a different soul and experience. it's so amazing. too bad it hasn't been possible as of yet.
lately i've been so deeply perplexed about some things. there's a... someone. i just don't know how comfortable i am with my feelings on the topic yet. i feel such a connectio with him. it's just like, such an obvious connection too. since we met there's been a connection between us and he knows it too. he's totally aware that we are so much alike. i'm growing more and more with interest in him every time we say anything. it's just.. there. it didn't even have to be contemplated. it seems like i should just move in on it, it seems like i should just take action, but it's not like that; he's taken. it hasn't completely taken me over, it hasn't completely taken my mind or soul to the point where it's all i can think about. it's not like other times i've been slightly interested in someone. it's just so.. civil? i don't know if that's the word. it's so... mutual? it's like, we talk so often that it seems like the only person he could speak more to would be his girlfriend i suppose. getting all this out of my system feels so good. anyway, so i've heard a lot of people all into a situation like this. waiting for them to break up to make a move, becoming a rebound and never turning into anything really solid. it's a bad thought. the thing is, i do care about him. he's just, the type of person i'd want for myself. someone with the same music taste, we can have deep conversations and he likes me for me. it's like having someone and you don't care how anyone else feels because they're your match in every sense of the word. it's so hard to try to keep my head while writing this, just because as i'm releasing, i'm noticing how much i really do care for him. either way, i don't want to be a villain or ruin what he has. when we first met and we had that immediate connection, he did get scared and back off for a while, just because he said it reminded him of how he and his current girlfriend has spoken before they started dating. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that and i wasn't even thinking like that, and i wasn't, but now it changed. but the thing is, it have no desire to steal him away, i want him to be happy. everyone says this, and half the time it's a lie, but i really want him to be happy. if he's happy with her, or he's happy with me, i just care about him, i guess. there are so many people in the world, and i constantly think, people say falling in love is so hard and so rare, yet marriages happen almost half as often as babies being born. love must not be so hard if it happens to so many people, but then i wonder, why hasn't it happened to me? i'm in love... and i just noticed i typed that and just felt completely embarassed. am i really in love with him?
lately i've been so deeply perplexed about some things. there's a... someone. i just don't know how comfortable i am with my feelings on the topic yet. i feel such a connectio with him. it's just like, such an obvious connection too. since we met there's been a connection between us and he knows it too. he's totally aware that we are so much alike. i'm growing more and more with interest in him every time we say anything. it's just.. there. it didn't even have to be contemplated. it seems like i should just move in on it, it seems like i should just take action, but it's not like that; he's taken. it hasn't completely taken me over, it hasn't completely taken my mind or soul to the point where it's all i can think about. it's not like other times i've been slightly interested in someone. it's just so.. civil? i don't know if that's the word. it's so... mutual? it's like, we talk so often that it seems like the only person he could speak more to would be his girlfriend i suppose. getting all this out of my system feels so good. anyway, so i've heard a lot of people all into a situation like this. waiting for them to break up to make a move, becoming a rebound and never turning into anything really solid. it's a bad thought. the thing is, i do care about him. he's just, the type of person i'd want for myself. someone with the same music taste, we can have deep conversations and he likes me for me. it's like having someone and you don't care how anyone else feels because they're your match in every sense of the word. it's so hard to try to keep my head while writing this, just because as i'm releasing, i'm noticing how much i really do care for him. either way, i don't want to be a villain or ruin what he has. when we first met and we had that immediate connection, he did get scared and back off for a while, just because he said it reminded him of how he and his current girlfriend has spoken before they started dating. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that and i wasn't even thinking like that, and i wasn't, but now it changed. but the thing is, it have no desire to steal him away, i want him to be happy. everyone says this, and half the time it's a lie, but i really want him to be happy. if he's happy with her, or he's happy with me, i just care about him, i guess. there are so many people in the world, and i constantly think, people say falling in love is so hard and so rare, yet marriages happen almost half as often as babies being born. love must not be so hard if it happens to so many people, but then i wonder, why hasn't it happened to me? i'm in love... and i just noticed i typed that and just felt completely embarassed. am i really in love with him?
