17 posts tagged “love”
i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i'm sort of beginning to accept the fact that i am, for the most part, in love. it's hard for me to completely let it sink in, but up to now i think it has. i've just never had this kind of chemistry with someone before... mixed with weird coincidences all over the place. it's just like, everytime we're together it's something new. we can talk for hours, and pretty much did last night. we're so similar and compliment each other so well, and i'm almost completely positive that he feels the same. i remember being slightly into him after we first really spoke, but it just gets more and more every time we're together. we have the most random, interesting, epic, incredible conversations. he gets me. it's just never been this much before. i've liked guys, i've thought i loved guys, but this is so much different. it's like we're meant to be together this time, and everything about us just matches. i'm just so excited, scared and overall happy. it's just the feeling that someone really understands who you are. it's prettty much all i ever wanted. he's all i ever wanted. someone i can talk to and respect who is also insanely lovable and sweet. our aspirations, interests and everything match. he wants to study abroad and go into the peace corps, like me. if that didn't win my respect, nothing would. it's just, i remember talking to my sister about the peace corps once. i was telling her maybe i'll find some guy in college who will go into the peace corps with me. she just laughed at me like, nah. i wasn't expecting that to happen, especially not this soon. i don't want to get too worked up about it, but i'm just so thrilled at how everything is playing out. we spent so much time together yesterday. at times when i'm with him, i feel like i don't care about anyone else in the world. the scary part is, sometimes i feel like he's all i need. i know that isn't at all justified, because there are so many people that i love and couldn't live without, but he is probably amongst the most amazing people i've ever met. he's so sincere and he makes me so happy. i just feel like there is no use looking around anymore while everything is right in front of me, completely obvious. we have all these random things in common that i can't talk to anyone else about. he's one of the only people i can talk about movies with. i'm just not used to having so much in common with anyone. i could go on about this whole thing forever. i'm just so excited to see where it takes me... or us. it's just something i've never felt before, and i'm so thrilled to be feeling. i just don't know how exactly we grew to be so much alike in such different environments. it all fascinates me to death. i really just want to hear every little thing he has to say. i love talking to him. all of it is just so much more than i ever thought i'd have, or deserved. i feel like i'm being rewarded in some way, for something. he's just... everything.
i need to regain focus. i've been in this apathetic mood for the past few weeks and i'm getting fed up with my lack of motivation. my priorities completely changed and it's not like i'm getting bad grades, it's just my mind is constantly in a different place and on particular people. i don't want to get swept away too fast and i've been trying really hard to slow myself down in terms of my feelings. i tend to fall fast, hard and get completely swept away, really fast. i hate that about myself sometimes. i don't want to get my heart broken over and over again. i know i tend to not be too empathetic with some other people, but i always want a safety net. sometimes i'm empathetic just because i usually have a lot on my mind. i know i should care more. i expect people to care how i feel and a lot of the time i ignore the feelings of others. i feel bad now. anyway, i just don't want to get hurt too bad. it's to the point where if i don't see him i feel sad. if i just saw him and got to speak to him at least once a day, i think i'd be fine. he is just my favorite person to talk to. everytime we talk i learn something new about him and usually i just like him even more. at times i feel like i'd be so much better if he could just always be in my life. someone i can relate to and share feelings with that makes me feel so warm inside. i don't know if i've ever felt so strongly towards anyone else... maybe once or twice. it's just like, the fact that i'm unsure of his feelings thus far, kills me. i think everyone is aware of my feelings. i feel like i'm coming onto him too much, now that i think about it. everyone who has ever seen me speaking with him, immediately knows i like him. when we first spoke, i instantly liked him. i wasn't expecting him to share so much interest with me. i feel tempted to say that i'm in love with him... but my fears of commitment and dependency are too large, as well as my fear of being hurt. i know i'm probably not the prettiest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the nicest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the most deserving girl in the world, but i think it's evident i try hard and i don't know. ugh, i ramble on about this every time i come here. i'm so tempted to just say this all to him, but i'm so scared at the same time. it's starting to upset me, how far i've been sucked into this. i need a distraction, but i get reminded of him over such small things. hahaha. now i'm feeling silly. anyway, i guess i'll watch a movie and be done with all this. i want it to be tomorrow already, so i can get eternal sunshine back and watch it 24/7.
long day. too long. too much room for thought, and then i overthink everything. especially what matters.
i started twilight, hardcore, today. i wasn't expecting to be as addicted as i'm growing. i guess now i understand the edward cullen hype. i guess anyone would love to fall in love with someone who was their absolute ideal in looks, combined with someone who would love them unconditionally to the extent that they would overcome so much and love them so much as to not only step out of their comfort zone, but to want to pretty much defy who they are. i've heard people make fun of other people for falling in love with a fictional character like edward cullen, but last year i fell in love with alex from a clockwork orange, i can't really talk. haha. don't ask why, i have strange taste. but anyway, i like it more than i though it would and i'm already almost 200 pages in. everyone is right when they say that you read it fast. i started reading slaughterhouse five last night also. i suck with books, honestly. i just have too many interests, and then i don't read fast enough. there is so much i want to read. right now i'm reading twilight, slaughterhouse five, watchmen and the crucible. probably tomorrow i'll be starting a different book. i'm an ass.
anyway, i'm going to be honest right now and truly vent something sort of embarrassing but maybe slightly sweet. i've written before about how i have crushes and such, but today i sort of went a little out of my normal self. i was talking to this guy i like about books and stuff. we read the same things, except he finishes them, haha. we watch the same movies and that kind of thing. i haven't really met anyone who intrigued me to this degree in a while. he makes me want to read what i haven't read and watch what i haven't seen. maybe it's that he has more free time than me or just reads faster, i don't know, but i'm just finding myself liking him. while we were talking, he was telling me which books he was going to read next, and i hadn't heard of either of them. being the ass i am, i want him to think i'm smarter than i am and i looked them up, hehe. it sort of makes me feel dumb when he reads so much more than i do, but what i want is someone who can have appreciation for things other people write, and who i'll be able to actually have a conversation with about things that matter. i guess i'm stupid for pretending i know something i don't, but it's just a stupid thing i did. you don't meet someone as fanatical about kurt vonnegut as you everyday. i don't know if i'm a bad person for it or if i'm just human. he reads nietzsche too. how often do you meet someone in high school who reads the same philiosophers you do? i'm just inspired and intrigued by him, i don't know. it's what i need. i need to read so i can get ahead and become better at writing and comprehending so when it comes time for filming, i'll be set. am i wrong?
anyway, i'm going to be honest right now and truly vent something sort of embarrassing but maybe slightly sweet. i've written before about how i have crushes and such, but today i sort of went a little out of my normal self. i was talking to this guy i like about books and stuff. we read the same things, except he finishes them, haha. we watch the same movies and that kind of thing. i haven't really met anyone who intrigued me to this degree in a while. he makes me want to read what i haven't read and watch what i haven't seen. maybe it's that he has more free time than me or just reads faster, i don't know, but i'm just finding myself liking him. while we were talking, he was telling me which books he was going to read next, and i hadn't heard of either of them. being the ass i am, i want him to think i'm smarter than i am and i looked them up, hehe. it sort of makes me feel dumb when he reads so much more than i do, but what i want is someone who can have appreciation for things other people write, and who i'll be able to actually have a conversation with about things that matter. i guess i'm stupid for pretending i know something i don't, but it's just a stupid thing i did. you don't meet someone as fanatical about kurt vonnegut as you everyday. i don't know if i'm a bad person for it or if i'm just human. he reads nietzsche too. how often do you meet someone in high school who reads the same philiosophers you do? i'm just inspired and intrigued by him, i don't know. it's what i need. i need to read so i can get ahead and become better at writing and comprehending so when it comes time for filming, i'll be set. am i wrong?
yeah, it's my birthday. i'm sixteen, and that's besides the point. this isn't going to be a cool blog by any means. it's going to be a straight up teenager's blog because that's what i need right now. i just really hope no one really pays much attention to this. i'm just going to be pouring my feelings out here right now, so don't pay attention.
lately i've been sort of angry with myself a bit. i've never really liked anyone who's taken before and now i sort of do. it's not intentional, but love never really is. so i've been sort of beating myself up over it a bit. i really like this guy but him being taken, i just don't break people up. i've never been like that. if he's happy where he is, i'm happy, and i've decided it to be that way, so i backed off.
then, this week, i meet a guy who i've seen a billion times, but i get a different impression. i had never really spoken to him, but once i did we just had so much in common. the chemistry was so instant it's sort of surprising and a little scary but i knew instantly i'd probably fall in love with him. it seemed so perfect because he's not in a relationship and he isn't bad looking, and to top it off, we can talk about things that no one else gets about me. he just seemed like my soul mate in one conversation. he's so interesting.
i pretty much decided that my problems are over and i'd just try to focus on school and the one guy who isn't taken, and possibly allow myself to fall for him (not that i can control it), until today when the taken guy tells me that he's been bored and that his significant other has been hurting him, intentionally or unintentionally. when i saw this, i was thinking they'd break up and then i could love him. as much as i like the other guy, i just don't know what to do. maybe it's nothing, but when i feel chemistry with two guys equally like this, it's so confusing. like if the single one asked me out and then the taken one became single would i dump the other one? if the taken one dumps his girlfriend and asks me out and then the single one asked me out would i dump the other one? i guess the chances of the taken one dumping his girlfriend aren't so much, but i'm still torn. i guess i sort of need to look more into things. i'll probably be seeing both of them this week, but i just want them both to be happy, but at the same time, i want to be happy too. i guess i need to get to know both better and see where their feelings lie. ugh, as much as i'm getting excited to possibly fall in love this year, the 'with who' is the main question, and although i've been really picky with my choices concerning boyfriends, either seem like they'd be perfect for me. i don't know if i'm worrying over nothing.
lately i've been sort of angry with myself a bit. i've never really liked anyone who's taken before and now i sort of do. it's not intentional, but love never really is. so i've been sort of beating myself up over it a bit. i really like this guy but him being taken, i just don't break people up. i've never been like that. if he's happy where he is, i'm happy, and i've decided it to be that way, so i backed off.
then, this week, i meet a guy who i've seen a billion times, but i get a different impression. i had never really spoken to him, but once i did we just had so much in common. the chemistry was so instant it's sort of surprising and a little scary but i knew instantly i'd probably fall in love with him. it seemed so perfect because he's not in a relationship and he isn't bad looking, and to top it off, we can talk about things that no one else gets about me. he just seemed like my soul mate in one conversation. he's so interesting.
i pretty much decided that my problems are over and i'd just try to focus on school and the one guy who isn't taken, and possibly allow myself to fall for him (not that i can control it), until today when the taken guy tells me that he's been bored and that his significant other has been hurting him, intentionally or unintentionally. when i saw this, i was thinking they'd break up and then i could love him. as much as i like the other guy, i just don't know what to do. maybe it's nothing, but when i feel chemistry with two guys equally like this, it's so confusing. like if the single one asked me out and then the taken one became single would i dump the other one? if the taken one dumps his girlfriend and asks me out and then the single one asked me out would i dump the other one? i guess the chances of the taken one dumping his girlfriend aren't so much, but i'm still torn. i guess i sort of need to look more into things. i'll probably be seeing both of them this week, but i just want them both to be happy, but at the same time, i want to be happy too. i guess i need to get to know both better and see where their feelings lie. ugh, as much as i'm getting excited to possibly fall in love this year, the 'with who' is the main question, and although i've been really picky with my choices concerning boyfriends, either seem like they'd be perfect for me. i don't know if i'm worrying over nothing.
tumblr, blogspot.. vox. i keep seeing people with kickass blogs ! i started thinking like, is mine boring? does anyone even read it? is mine worth reading? i'm not really the blog reading type.. i've never been the type to even want anyone to read my blogs, but now that i've been writing so little i feel a sort of emptiness as though i've been lacking here. i feel like i should make more of an effort to write everything down. writing and reading everyday would enrich me as a figure within the universe. i need to leave my tracks, because things just can't live on within the mind unless some really revolutionary scientific discovery is made in which you can extract the human brain into finding all the memories ever made by an individual. sorry, i'm not a brain surgeon. i'd love to do this as much as the next person, but sadly it hasn't come about yet. how amazing would it be? being able to see the world through someone else's eyes? to be a different soul and experience. it's so amazing. too bad it hasn't been possible as of yet.
lately i've been so deeply perplexed about some things. there's a... someone. i just don't know how comfortable i am with my feelings on the topic yet. i feel such a connectio with him. it's just like, such an obvious connection too. since we met there's been a connection between us and he knows it too. he's totally aware that we are so much alike. i'm growing more and more with interest in him every time we say anything. it's just.. there. it didn't even have to be contemplated. it seems like i should just move in on it, it seems like i should just take action, but it's not like that; he's taken. it hasn't completely taken me over, it hasn't completely taken my mind or soul to the point where it's all i can think about. it's not like other times i've been slightly interested in someone. it's just so.. civil? i don't know if that's the word. it's so... mutual? it's like, we talk so often that it seems like the only person he could speak more to would be his girlfriend i suppose. getting all this out of my system feels so good. anyway, so i've heard a lot of people all into a situation like this. waiting for them to break up to make a move, becoming a rebound and never turning into anything really solid. it's a bad thought. the thing is, i do care about him. he's just, the type of person i'd want for myself. someone with the same music taste, we can have deep conversations and he likes me for me. it's like having someone and you don't care how anyone else feels because they're your match in every sense of the word. it's so hard to try to keep my head while writing this, just because as i'm releasing, i'm noticing how much i really do care for him. either way, i don't want to be a villain or ruin what he has. when we first met and we had that immediate connection, he did get scared and back off for a while, just because he said it reminded him of how he and his current girlfriend has spoken before they started dating. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that and i wasn't even thinking like that, and i wasn't, but now it changed. but the thing is, it have no desire to steal him away, i want him to be happy. everyone says this, and half the time it's a lie, but i really want him to be happy. if he's happy with her, or he's happy with me, i just care about him, i guess. there are so many people in the world, and i constantly think, people say falling in love is so hard and so rare, yet marriages happen almost half as often as babies being born. love must not be so hard if it happens to so many people, but then i wonder, why hasn't it happened to me? i'm in love... and i just noticed i typed that and just felt completely embarassed. am i really in love with him?
lately i've been so deeply perplexed about some things. there's a... someone. i just don't know how comfortable i am with my feelings on the topic yet. i feel such a connectio with him. it's just like, such an obvious connection too. since we met there's been a connection between us and he knows it too. he's totally aware that we are so much alike. i'm growing more and more with interest in him every time we say anything. it's just.. there. it didn't even have to be contemplated. it seems like i should just move in on it, it seems like i should just take action, but it's not like that; he's taken. it hasn't completely taken me over, it hasn't completely taken my mind or soul to the point where it's all i can think about. it's not like other times i've been slightly interested in someone. it's just so.. civil? i don't know if that's the word. it's so... mutual? it's like, we talk so often that it seems like the only person he could speak more to would be his girlfriend i suppose. getting all this out of my system feels so good. anyway, so i've heard a lot of people all into a situation like this. waiting for them to break up to make a move, becoming a rebound and never turning into anything really solid. it's a bad thought. the thing is, i do care about him. he's just, the type of person i'd want for myself. someone with the same music taste, we can have deep conversations and he likes me for me. it's like having someone and you don't care how anyone else feels because they're your match in every sense of the word. it's so hard to try to keep my head while writing this, just because as i'm releasing, i'm noticing how much i really do care for him. either way, i don't want to be a villain or ruin what he has. when we first met and we had that immediate connection, he did get scared and back off for a while, just because he said it reminded him of how he and his current girlfriend has spoken before they started dating. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that and i wasn't even thinking like that, and i wasn't, but now it changed. but the thing is, it have no desire to steal him away, i want him to be happy. everyone says this, and half the time it's a lie, but i really want him to be happy. if he's happy with her, or he's happy with me, i just care about him, i guess. there are so many people in the world, and i constantly think, people say falling in love is so hard and so rare, yet marriages happen almost half as often as babies being born. love must not be so hard if it happens to so many people, but then i wonder, why hasn't it happened to me? i'm in love... and i just noticed i typed that and just felt completely embarassed. am i really in love with him?
<-- taboo scarflette, $9. available in my etsy shop ! today was an 100% necessary blogging day. i was just revisiting my summer at nyfa a little. i was on facebook and came across some of the videos of someone i'd known there. just reminding me more that i need to do something. she's made a few things, mostly things i liked a lot. she's really talented in making quirky and lovable comedy. it just makes me want to make something. sometime i feel like i'm just going to defy the odds and explode with all my creativity, since it's already on the leak, and make some stop- motion loveliness. i just have to figure out what and when. i'm inspired by so many different things. i'm listening to sigur ros right now, saeglopur, and the idea flowing through my brain is a sort of cliche story, but one i could twist. right now i'm imagining it outside, and maybe i can sew something up. some small stuffed things or something. i'm imagining a sort of 'something that doesn't belong' story. maybe someone who will defy the odds. it's so cliche, which bothers me i suppose. there are so many ideas in my mind. i need to put them into action, and i've said it so many times. my main goals in life are to travel, love and share my love of life with the world, while also motivating people to really live rather than exist. i want that to be an underlying theme of everything i make.
today i revisited memories that are amusing to me. it's almost october, and october last year was hilarious, even though i didn't think so at the time. i had the shortest relationship ever with a guy i didn't really like, and haven't spoken to him since because i'm so embarrassed i did it in the first place. it took me a while to figure out the second part. i didn't want to talk to him, but i didn't know why. i made him cry and stuff, but it was only six days and it wasn't at all real love, but since he has a new girlfriend who some of my friends are 'friends' with [in reality they're quite capricious] they always bring it up to me. i don't hate either of them, i just don't talk to them because i'm embarassed. i don't regret it, i'm just embarassed about it. i think i needed it to let myself know that i can't and shouldn't just say yes to any guy, but so far, in my world, being single is just as good as anything else. my feelings are going in certain directions and my mind is wandering onto certain people, but i'm not as concerned with that right now as i am with my schoolwork. i need to focus, and for right now, not lose that focus until i can afford to.
today i revisited memories that are amusing to me. it's almost october, and october last year was hilarious, even though i didn't think so at the time. i had the shortest relationship ever with a guy i didn't really like, and haven't spoken to him since because i'm so embarrassed i did it in the first place. it took me a while to figure out the second part. i didn't want to talk to him, but i didn't know why. i made him cry and stuff, but it was only six days and it wasn't at all real love, but since he has a new girlfriend who some of my friends are 'friends' with [in reality they're quite capricious] they always bring it up to me. i don't hate either of them, i just don't talk to them because i'm embarassed. i don't regret it, i'm just embarassed about it. i think i needed it to let myself know that i can't and shouldn't just say yes to any guy, but so far, in my world, being single is just as good as anything else. my feelings are going in certain directions and my mind is wandering onto certain people, but i'm not as concerned with that right now as i am with my schoolwork. i need to focus, and for right now, not lose that focus until i can afford to.
<-- palaver zine 003, $3. available now at my etsy shop. [if you dig my blog, you'll almost definitely dig my zine !]
i love who i am sometimes. this week has been strange to say the least. i've had sudden bursts of 'i love me !' not in a cocky way though, more in a i'm a strong person with a creative mind kind of way.
i fall for people i relate to, quite easily in fact. i don't mean to, but it happens when i don't realize. i get scared of it too, and that's when things fall apart. i almost fell yesterday.. but when the person is taken it's hard.sometimes i just find myself in need of sharing things with someone i could speak to on an intimate type of level. things i couldn't tell a close friend, acquaintance or even my fish. i end up holding them inside. i guess i unleashed all that 'inside' last week. i feel so free now, but things were looking sort of complicated at moments this week, but they seem to be going up again, so that's good. (: i guess sometimes i just need to look at myself in the mirror and remember i'm a good and strong person. look back on my life and smile. i don't know where i got all this confidence from almost. all i can think of is when we were working on my short film and my crew was treating me like i was some kind of genius, especially our TA (teaching assistant, who is usually in their 20s and just helps you along). and no, it's not a pedophilia thing, i think i would've been disgusted and would've noticed if it was. but it just struck me so much the way their faces were so in agreement and in awe. they would always say 'i like that,' and i'd take their advice too. but i just remember being in the editing room and the TA kept coming over to me asking me how far i was and stuff, and once i was done he kept saying 'that's dope,' and one of the girls in my crew was asking him to see her film and she said 'it's not as good as that.' it just made me feel so confident and great. it made me really happy. i think i'm at a major turning point in my life, just because last week made it for me. i want to maintain this, i want to maintain this. it's all i can think about.
if you want to see the short film i made, convo me on etsy. it's on a dvd and i can probably make copies, but i don't know how to rip it from the dvd to the computer. if you know how to do that comment here, but otherwise, i'd be happy to try to send copies. i'll also send a note that you should read prior so you can 'get it.' it's hard to understand if i don't explain it first.
oh ! and i might be opening another etsy shop with my friend. (: yes, i'll be running two if it happens. jamieleto.etsy.com shall never die, but a new shop may be on the rise. we want to save up for radiohead tickets for the next time they come around, as well as various fun things on etsy. (: we're going to make radiohead themed things and it's going to be fun ! or at least it sounds as though it will be. i guess we shall see. ;D but i'll keep you posted.
i love who i am sometimes. this week has been strange to say the least. i've had sudden bursts of 'i love me !' not in a cocky way though, more in a i'm a strong person with a creative mind kind of way.
i fall for people i relate to, quite easily in fact. i don't mean to, but it happens when i don't realize. i get scared of it too, and that's when things fall apart. i almost fell yesterday.. but when the person is taken it's hard.sometimes i just find myself in need of sharing things with someone i could speak to on an intimate type of level. things i couldn't tell a close friend, acquaintance or even my fish. i end up holding them inside. i guess i unleashed all that 'inside' last week. i feel so free now, but things were looking sort of complicated at moments this week, but they seem to be going up again, so that's good. (: i guess sometimes i just need to look at myself in the mirror and remember i'm a good and strong person. look back on my life and smile. i don't know where i got all this confidence from almost. all i can think of is when we were working on my short film and my crew was treating me like i was some kind of genius, especially our TA (teaching assistant, who is usually in their 20s and just helps you along). and no, it's not a pedophilia thing, i think i would've been disgusted and would've noticed if it was. but it just struck me so much the way their faces were so in agreement and in awe. they would always say 'i like that,' and i'd take their advice too. but i just remember being in the editing room and the TA kept coming over to me asking me how far i was and stuff, and once i was done he kept saying 'that's dope,' and one of the girls in my crew was asking him to see her film and she said 'it's not as good as that.' it just made me feel so confident and great. it made me really happy. i think i'm at a major turning point in my life, just because last week made it for me. i want to maintain this, i want to maintain this. it's all i can think about.
if you want to see the short film i made, convo me on etsy. it's on a dvd and i can probably make copies, but i don't know how to rip it from the dvd to the computer. if you know how to do that comment here, but otherwise, i'd be happy to try to send copies. i'll also send a note that you should read prior so you can 'get it.' it's hard to understand if i don't explain it first.
oh ! and i might be opening another etsy shop with my friend. (: yes, i'll be running two if it happens. jamieleto.etsy.com shall never die, but a new shop may be on the rise. we want to save up for radiohead tickets for the next time they come around, as well as various fun things on etsy. (: we're going to make radiohead themed things and it's going to be fun ! or at least it sounds as though it will be. i guess we shall see. ;D but i'll keep you posted.
<-- landin the linen scented gnome, $4. hopelandic. what does that mean? i don't know, but i guess i'd like to. i love when i'm in those moods where i could write for hours, and write well too. today i should've been walking to the post office, but then other things crossed my mind and came to my attention, so i decided to hand around for a little while. wednesday will be my first hardcore summer day, meaning, i need to wake up for a hardcore run. i either have the run around 6AM-ish, or 7PM-ish, just cos that's when my favorite shade of sky blue is out. i love when i can look at the sky and it's this pale blue feeling gray sort of color. it makes me thing of iceland, and i like it. that place calls to me everyday. every time one of their delightful musicians make their way into my headphones during a walk or during a sit, i just want to be there with them, experiencing what it is that makes iceland so mysteriously serene and beautiful. lately, they've even had problems within, but my want and need of iceland has not died, and hopefully will not. the people of iceland seem to love it as well, or else we'd have a high concentration of icelandic- americans rather than italian or irish, and who has seen that more than one to four times in their lives? me, never. people in iceland dwell there because they're happy there, it seems. whenever i listen to sigur ros, amiina, etc. i don't have to wonder why.
ideas have been popping into my mind all week ever since saturday. now that i'm sure i'm going to be going to the new york film academy [only for a week, but i will cherish it] for the first week of august, i want to make the most of the equipment and opportunity that will be available to me, to make something worthwhile and something as amazing as possible. something that can get me into some film festivals and that i can add to my college resume. but i have noticed a common pattern, that all my stories are of hopeless loves, or loves lost. i don't know why my mind is so magnetic to that topic. perhaps it's because i'm simply a hopeless romantic? but probably more simply, because that's my interest. i always seem to picture audrey tautou as all of my protagonist or supporting female roles ! she's like, all over my mind ! i must say, i think my mind and body yearns for me to purchase amelie as soon as possible ! hahha.
ideas have been popping into my mind all week ever since saturday. now that i'm sure i'm going to be going to the new york film academy [only for a week, but i will cherish it] for the first week of august, i want to make the most of the equipment and opportunity that will be available to me, to make something worthwhile and something as amazing as possible. something that can get me into some film festivals and that i can add to my college resume. but i have noticed a common pattern, that all my stories are of hopeless loves, or loves lost. i don't know why my mind is so magnetic to that topic. perhaps it's because i'm simply a hopeless romantic? but probably more simply, because that's my interest. i always seem to picture audrey tautou as all of my protagonist or supporting female roles ! she's like, all over my mind ! i must say, i think my mind and body yearns for me to purchase amelie as soon as possible ! hahha.
<-- green float necklace, SUMMER SALE, $5.75 ! i have an english final in a few minutes and i just felt like writing. i guess writing a little will help warm me up, not that i'm at all nervous about this final. i usually do pretty well in english [note i didn't use 'good,' hahahaha]. i've been told i have pretty good grammar [note i didn't use 'well']. but it probably shows less on a blog than it does when i'm writing something i've been assigned. i should probably cut my nails. i've read a few books this year on my own, but only a few in school. i read lord of the flies, jekyll & hyde, macbeth, a separate peace and the glass menagerie. i didn't really like any of them except i kind of liked lord of the flies and macbeth, but not completely. ill contine this later cos i have to go. hehe.
so now my english final is over and i feel like everything is slowly ending. i still have a few more finals to go but it feels like so much less and i feel a lot free-er. as i write i'm listening to 'to build a home' by the cinematic orchestra and it's funny that i feel as though every time i hit my fingers to the keys on the keyboard, music is playing out of the piano keys of the song. it's so brilliantly done. sometimes i guess i need those small pleasures, but i can already tell that this week is going to be hard. how do you adjust to being without someone who has been your other half your whole life? the only way i can think of is aggressive exercise, meaning, a positive way of letting out aggression, anger and overall hopelessness. i don't know what i'll end up doing this week, but what i know is this. i want to enjoy every moment i have and cherish everyone positive in my life. i want to be a better person, as i always say. but here and now the only thing controversial that i love that i'm iffy to back is my love of the we are scientists cover of hoppipolla. i don't mind it, but some other people do. you can make up your own mind
. i posted it there for you in case you're wondering what i'm talking about. but i'm sure of so much more than i've ever been. i'm fairly secure with who i am, i'm almost completely secure with who i love and i'm almost certain of what i want out of life. mostly to create and help people, and i'm beginning not to care what creative outlet it'll be, but today all that is important is that i cherish my last moments in new york with my sister here. i can tell this summer is going to be life changing, just cos it will be so different it'll be forced to be a coming of age or loss of innocence [oh no, there goes my english essay making it's way into my world again. there was an essay on this on my english final, and now it seems i'm subconsciously translating it into my casual writing.] whatever the case may be, i'm here and i'm now. i need to cherish it more and love every minute of it.
so now my english final is over and i feel like everything is slowly ending. i still have a few more finals to go but it feels like so much less and i feel a lot free-er. as i write i'm listening to 'to build a home' by the cinematic orchestra and it's funny that i feel as though every time i hit my fingers to the keys on the keyboard, music is playing out of the piano keys of the song. it's so brilliantly done. sometimes i guess i need those small pleasures, but i can already tell that this week is going to be hard. how do you adjust to being without someone who has been your other half your whole life? the only way i can think of is aggressive exercise, meaning, a positive way of letting out aggression, anger and overall hopelessness. i don't know what i'll end up doing this week, but what i know is this. i want to enjoy every moment i have and cherish everyone positive in my life. i want to be a better person, as i always say. but here and now the only thing controversial that i love that i'm iffy to back is my love of the we are scientists cover of hoppipolla. i don't mind it, but some other people do. you can make up your own mind
