20 posts tagged “life”
i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
listening to yann tiersen and just pondering my daily life. daily life has been ordinary, but certain people make it seem as though ordinary could get a little extra added into the mix. i'm just always pumped nowadays, and i like it. it makes me want to wake up in the morning and gives me room to really dream, i guess.
i went to see twilight. obviously, it was not very good. i wasn't disappointed because i was expecting the worst, but the worst is pretty much what i ended up getting. i didn't understand catherine hardwicke's point of view much... i imagined it much darker, much colder and much more in depth and substance basically. i guess what i comes down to is that everyone has their own interpretation and you'll either love or hate the movie. i just wanted it to be so clint mansell composed. i imagined it to the tune of the theme from wind chill. i wanted so bad to make that movie tonight, just to show those people who didn't read the book that there's more to it than what was shown. i guess hardwicke was attempting to make it contemporary and more relatable to teenagers, and it did seem as though her signature urban style appeared in parts, but i just think more could've been done and it wasn't. i felt like the script was poorly written and it lacked in spots.
all in all, it's been a good week and i've really liked it, aside from the whole twilight movie. i laughed my way through it actually. my favorite part was when it ended and they played 15 step by radiohead. (: i'm only 10 sales away from my one year goal of 100 ! buy stuff from me so i can reach it ! :D jamieleto.etsy.com
i went to see twilight. obviously, it was not very good. i wasn't disappointed because i was expecting the worst, but the worst is pretty much what i ended up getting. i didn't understand catherine hardwicke's point of view much... i imagined it much darker, much colder and much more in depth and substance basically. i guess what i comes down to is that everyone has their own interpretation and you'll either love or hate the movie. i just wanted it to be so clint mansell composed. i imagined it to the tune of the theme from wind chill. i wanted so bad to make that movie tonight, just to show those people who didn't read the book that there's more to it than what was shown. i guess hardwicke was attempting to make it contemporary and more relatable to teenagers, and it did seem as though her signature urban style appeared in parts, but i just think more could've been done and it wasn't. i felt like the script was poorly written and it lacked in spots.
all in all, it's been a good week and i've really liked it, aside from the whole twilight movie. i laughed my way through it actually. my favorite part was when it ended and they played 15 step by radiohead. (: i'm only 10 sales away from my one year goal of 100 ! buy stuff from me so i can reach it ! :D jamieleto.etsy.com
mo money mo problems. that's a song from the 90s. notorious BIG was so right. i'm so tired of it all. i'm so tired of the economy and everyone talking about money. money is such a love-hate thing with everyone. it's either you love money because you have enough to fulfill what you want, or you hate money because it restricts you. i don't know how many times i hear that word everyday. i wonder how many times i've heard it in my lifetime. i've come to realize that half the time people fight, it's about money. it tears friendships apart and families apart. we all love it, we all hate it, we all need it. it's just one of the unfair things about life, i suppose. you try so hard and all it comes down to is money. now the stock markets are all screwed up like they were 80 years ago, before the great depression. look to FDR people ! jesus. it's like the government has neglected us. we can't blame it all on george w. bush. i just can't wait for my birthday. it couldn't come quickly enough. i love etsy, but i need a job too. it just isn't enough anymore. i'm sad to say it, but it's so horribly true. things seem like they'll be going down before they'll go up.
and to top it off, one of my favorite bands, shiny toy guns, kicked out their female lead singer carah faye charnow and replaced her ! i know it's sort of irrelevant and a lesser issue, but it just sort of pisses me off and saddens me like everything else because they were such a favorite of mine. so unique and classic, i've been developing a story surrounding their debut album, we are pilots. i don't like the new girl that much. i don't know if i'll ever learn to like her, or be able to incorporate their new stuff in, just because it's not as unique as the old stuff. it just sounds like lacuna coil. sorry chad petree, jeremy dawson and mikey martin, i love you guys, but the whole new scenario has been done. i'm a lacuna coil fan, but their the only band of their kind that i think i can handle. thanks, but no thanks. i want to love them again, but it's just so hard when i loved carah faye so much. she's supposed to be coming out with a new band too. let's see who ends up becoming better. maybe i could use music from both to finish my story off.
and to top it off, one of my favorite bands, shiny toy guns, kicked out their female lead singer carah faye charnow and replaced her ! i know it's sort of irrelevant and a lesser issue, but it just sort of pisses me off and saddens me like everything else because they were such a favorite of mine. so unique and classic, i've been developing a story surrounding their debut album, we are pilots. i don't like the new girl that much. i don't know if i'll ever learn to like her, or be able to incorporate their new stuff in, just because it's not as unique as the old stuff. it just sounds like lacuna coil. sorry chad petree, jeremy dawson and mikey martin, i love you guys, but the whole new scenario has been done. i'm a lacuna coil fan, but their the only band of their kind that i think i can handle. thanks, but no thanks. i want to love them again, but it's just so hard when i loved carah faye so much. she's supposed to be coming out with a new band too. let's see who ends up becoming better. maybe i could use music from both to finish my story off.
i was on flickr today, aka. my old- new lover. it was always there, but i ignored it until last weekend. i fixed mine up and now i'm growing obsessed. buy me pro please?
anyway, so i was on a discussion for a flickr group and it was titled 'what is your story?' i clicked on it, and was just thinking, what will i write? as i wrote, going back to then, thinking about who i was as opposed to who i am, i just love life. i just love my chronicles. i just love that i have my own personal history. i've been thinking about my life a lot lately, and how there are so many positive and negative events i don't want to forget. there are so many people that have come in and out of my life that either hurt me or made me better, and i don't want to forget, no matter how much i may have though i regretted it in the first place. i'm sort of thinking about writing a book about it. not a book as much as a collection of thank you notes. i'm not looking to get it published or anything, but it'd just be a way for me, personally, to remember everything i've been through if i ever need something to write about or something to think about. i feel like i have so much material and so many life experiences that i need some way to keep it all, since eventually it won't be as alive in my mind as it is today. but anyway, here's what i wrote for the group discussion:
"this could be long, or fairly short.
my life has basically been ups, downs and experiences. i had a happy childhood defined by 90s boy bands and being scared of marilyn manson. my family started out sort of always on the edge of disaster, but i ignored it since i was so young. i had no time or thought to cherish the moments that would later define my character. but ever since i was young, i loved movies and had been interested in doing something creative with my life.
as i continued through the years, the disaster finally hit me, and all my prior life's experiences just felt like nothing to me. i ignored everything, became apathetic, and fell literally, into darkness. my sister went to the hospital for.. reasons... and my family was tearing apart at the seams. i thought things would never recover. i was self-destructive and goth. a burden on everyone, basically. i started to like marilyn manson and i turned to poetry, blogging and friends on the internet to save me, but i later found i'd have to save myself. i never did drugs, not even then, but that rough patch in my life, i almost thought i wouldn't get out. i even contemplated suicide.
i came to a realization, through constant reading and movie- watching, that my life wasn't so terrible. i weened myself off of all the dark things, still maintaining small flavors of it, (such as, i still like marilyn manson) and i just decided to make the best of my life, because i'm lucky to have it. i decided i wanted to be a filmmaker and share my realization with the world. some call it my enlightenment, i call it finding myself. with my new love of film, i decided to take the road through photography first. photography is just another way to visually express my feelings. between writing and photography is filmmaking, so i enjoy both. i don't regret where i came from, or any of my experiences, but i know they will help me when i'm stuck for ideas later on, but as long as i have creative outlets of some kind, i'm good.
i'm still currently in high school, as a student filmmaker and i run an online shop to keep busy; jamieleto.etsy.com (:
this is the long, short version."
that is really the short version. there is so much more detail and so many things in between. life is just so amazing and extensive when you think about it. i like to think about it. i like it.
anyway, so i was on a discussion for a flickr group and it was titled 'what is your story?' i clicked on it, and was just thinking, what will i write? as i wrote, going back to then, thinking about who i was as opposed to who i am, i just love life. i just love my chronicles. i just love that i have my own personal history. i've been thinking about my life a lot lately, and how there are so many positive and negative events i don't want to forget. there are so many people that have come in and out of my life that either hurt me or made me better, and i don't want to forget, no matter how much i may have though i regretted it in the first place. i'm sort of thinking about writing a book about it. not a book as much as a collection of thank you notes. i'm not looking to get it published or anything, but it'd just be a way for me, personally, to remember everything i've been through if i ever need something to write about or something to think about. i feel like i have so much material and so many life experiences that i need some way to keep it all, since eventually it won't be as alive in my mind as it is today. but anyway, here's what i wrote for the group discussion:
"this could be long, or fairly short.
my life has basically been ups, downs and experiences. i had a happy childhood defined by 90s boy bands and being scared of marilyn manson. my family started out sort of always on the edge of disaster, but i ignored it since i was so young. i had no time or thought to cherish the moments that would later define my character. but ever since i was young, i loved movies and had been interested in doing something creative with my life.
as i continued through the years, the disaster finally hit me, and all my prior life's experiences just felt like nothing to me. i ignored everything, became apathetic, and fell literally, into darkness. my sister went to the hospital for.. reasons... and my family was tearing apart at the seams. i thought things would never recover. i was self-destructive and goth. a burden on everyone, basically. i started to like marilyn manson and i turned to poetry, blogging and friends on the internet to save me, but i later found i'd have to save myself. i never did drugs, not even then, but that rough patch in my life, i almost thought i wouldn't get out. i even contemplated suicide.
i came to a realization, through constant reading and movie- watching, that my life wasn't so terrible. i weened myself off of all the dark things, still maintaining small flavors of it, (such as, i still like marilyn manson) and i just decided to make the best of my life, because i'm lucky to have it. i decided i wanted to be a filmmaker and share my realization with the world. some call it my enlightenment, i call it finding myself. with my new love of film, i decided to take the road through photography first. photography is just another way to visually express my feelings. between writing and photography is filmmaking, so i enjoy both. i don't regret where i came from, or any of my experiences, but i know they will help me when i'm stuck for ideas later on, but as long as i have creative outlets of some kind, i'm good.
i'm still currently in high school, as a student filmmaker and i run an online shop to keep busy; jamieleto.etsy.com (:
this is the long, short version."
that is really the short version. there is so much more detail and so many things in between. life is just so amazing and extensive when you think about it. i like to think about it. i like it.
i must say, i always, always, always think of my best ideas at night ! night is just the time where i'm fully awake and fully alive. i think i've spoken of this theory before. i love night time, but that's besides the point.
so i made myself a 2008 goals list, for the rest of the year. some are mandatory, some i should attempt and some are optional. i'm going to try to achieve them all. here they are. if i'm missing any or you have a goal you think is cool and you think i should do [because of what you read here in this blog] then post it please ! i love goals and achieving them. :D
2008 Goals.
musts:
-learn to drive
-100 etsy sales
-write a list or paragraph everyday about the day
-blog 3-7 times a week
-map out new destinations to travel to
-get a job
-100 or more hours of community service
-gain more confidence
-eat more veggies
-work on communication skills
-attend 4-5 concerts
-redecorate [furniture-wise] my room
-write thank-you notes, whether to send them or not
-meditate daily
-bring canvas bags to the market when i shop for food
-take pictures of everything and anything
-read 15 books
optionals:
-convert all my favorite recipes to note cards
-figure out what to do with my hair
-fly a kite
-prepare all my meals for a week
-find a religion
-learn to play the accordion
-ride an elephant
-cut out snacking on unhealthy things for a month
-make a genuine effort to be nice to everyone everyday for a week
attempts:
-love myself
-get straight As
-read an entire book series that consists of more than 10 books
-read all of jane austen & kurt vonnegut's works
-take more risks
-flatten my belly
-run a mile in 7 minutes or less
-learn to ride a bike
so i made myself a 2008 goals list, for the rest of the year. some are mandatory, some i should attempt and some are optional. i'm going to try to achieve them all. here they are. if i'm missing any or you have a goal you think is cool and you think i should do [because of what you read here in this blog] then post it please ! i love goals and achieving them. :D
2008 Goals.
musts:
-learn to drive
-100 etsy sales
-write a list or paragraph everyday about the day
-blog 3-7 times a week
-map out new destinations to travel to
-get a job
-100 or more hours of community service
-gain more confidence
-eat more veggies
-work on communication skills
-attend 4-5 concerts
-redecorate [furniture-wise] my room
-write thank-you notes, whether to send them or not
-meditate daily
-bring canvas bags to the market when i shop for food
-take pictures of everything and anything
-read 15 books
optionals:
-convert all my favorite recipes to note cards
-figure out what to do with my hair
-fly a kite
-prepare all my meals for a week
-find a religion
-learn to play the accordion
-ride an elephant
-cut out snacking on unhealthy things for a month
-make a genuine effort to be nice to everyone everyday for a week
attempts:
-love myself
-get straight As
-read an entire book series that consists of more than 10 books
-read all of jane austen & kurt vonnegut's works
-take more risks
-flatten my belly
-run a mile in 7 minutes or less
-learn to ride a bike
<-- recycled white envelopes [pack of 25], $3. okay, i have officially decided, i hate looking for colleges. my main choices now are columbia college (the one in chicago for art people, not the one in new york for doctors) and the savannah college of art and design, even though my grades and school are way above their averages, drastically. this means, scholarships gallore, but oh my gosh... after googling top film schools, i'm sort of freaked out and doubting, doubting, doubting. firstly, they were giving so-called 'tips' about what schools look for. apparently it includes 'advanced writing skills' and 'acting experience.' i know, i hardly write twice a day, but god damn, i'm so nervous now. i'm so doubty and now that i've watched project runway for an entire day, it all comes down to is this really what i want? i love ideas, i love what film does and i love what i could do with it, but i'm not an actor. my writing skills suffice for myself and my mind. i like how i write, but i don't want to be some overly dramatic writer using
overly descriptive metaphors and some pointless prose that won't matter in getting my point across. as much as i love a strong, engaging writer, i do not see myself as one. i love to read, but my love of writing begins and ends with this blog i suppose. in writing, i don't think i'm that special. i write everyday, but i don't see myself being someone like my good friends kurt vonnegut, anthony burgess, truman capote and jane austen. as much as i love reading, all it had brought me is fantastic grammar skills and a window into a world i would not have known. i can write well enough, but i guess my main focus in high school has been more on grades, clubs and world awareness. i guess i'm more in tuned with the bigger picture than what i should be. i know colleges want you to blow your brains out to impress them and give them long, mentally draining essays about your 'amazing experience in key club' which was probably a lot less than what was actually done, or your 'rewarding time spent in the deca finals' which was primarily spent partying with other deca weenies, but you won't tell them that. high school for me has been planning for the future. my dreams of being a filmmaker, interior designer, fashion designer, which still are on the waiting list for complete answers; and my dreams of studying abroad in iceland or tokyo, going into the peace corps in africa or peru; and my plans to become a parent whether i find a husband or end up adopting a family of chinese girls who would've probably not have found life much better elsewhere. my life is about experiences, but can film give me what i want? that is my main question right now. i guess what i'm trying to express is, the pressure of the fact that i've focused on wanting to be a filmmaker for so long is starting to weigh down on me and i'm starting to wonder if i really want a part of the brutal business, as much as i'd rather be a michel gondry with no schooling on film and more with being a graphic design genius recognized. i don't know what i want, i just know i love film, but i have so much love of so much else that i'm becoming so lost and unable to sort out my loves from my likes and having difficulty discovering what i want.
overly descriptive metaphors and some pointless prose that won't matter in getting my point across. as much as i love a strong, engaging writer, i do not see myself as one. i love to read, but my love of writing begins and ends with this blog i suppose. in writing, i don't think i'm that special. i write everyday, but i don't see myself being someone like my good friends kurt vonnegut, anthony burgess, truman capote and jane austen. as much as i love reading, all it had brought me is fantastic grammar skills and a window into a world i would not have known. i can write well enough, but i guess my main focus in high school has been more on grades, clubs and world awareness. i guess i'm more in tuned with the bigger picture than what i should be. i know colleges want you to blow your brains out to impress them and give them long, mentally draining essays about your 'amazing experience in key club' which was probably a lot less than what was actually done, or your 'rewarding time spent in the deca finals' which was primarily spent partying with other deca weenies, but you won't tell them that. high school for me has been planning for the future. my dreams of being a filmmaker, interior designer, fashion designer, which still are on the waiting list for complete answers; and my dreams of studying abroad in iceland or tokyo, going into the peace corps in africa or peru; and my plans to become a parent whether i find a husband or end up adopting a family of chinese girls who would've probably not have found life much better elsewhere. my life is about experiences, but can film give me what i want? that is my main question right now. i guess what i'm trying to express is, the pressure of the fact that i've focused on wanting to be a filmmaker for so long is starting to weigh down on me and i'm starting to wonder if i really want a part of the brutal business, as much as i'd rather be a michel gondry with no schooling on film and more with being a graphic design genius recognized. i don't know what i want, i just know i love film, but i have so much love of so much else that i'm becoming so lost and unable to sort out my loves from my likes and having difficulty discovering what i want.
<-- beaming echarpe, $9. i'm going to have a really short entry today, because i'm going to go see WALL-E soon, hopefully. today was a friend's going away party, and my mom made me more than an hour late. it was really upsetting, because i was just thinking, what if this is one of the last times i would ever see him? not that he's anything more than just a friend, but what if this is the last time i'd see him? what if he never comes to visit or something bad happens to him? do i really want his last memory of me to be that person who didn't show up to his graduation party and didn't care? i know i couldn't live with that, but then, i guess i never really thought of anything that way, really. my whole life is like that. there are always hellos and goodbyes, but sometimes there are negative goodbyes, and death doesn't wait for anything or anyone. who knows how many mistakes i've made, but none of them mean anything because i'm unaware of them, but i think i should make more of an effort to try to say goodbye with positivity, and make sure whenever someone walks away from me, there is no negative feelings unless i have a perfectly justified reason. you can't make everyone happy, and i've learned that, but the people that mean the most should at least feel that meaning and love.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
daily life. it goes "do you remember not long ago when we used to live for the nighttime? cherish each moment? now we don't live, we exist, we just run for our lives. so alone.' this verse really changed my point of view a lot. there is a difference between living and existing. anything can exist, but to live, is to experience. not just sit around and be lazy and afraid, doing something. and now that i saw that film, and was moved by it, i want to move my lazy ass a lot more than i have been, as of late. i need to get out more, even though i do get out a lot, i need more. i like the moments and the movies that change your life. it can give us all hope that one person could very well, change the world.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
lately i've been feeling like i've been such an ass. i've been really moody, and really sensitive at times. i just don't like these new and constant mood swings. all day today i had a sort of 'fuck everything' attitude. my nose looks huge in my self-portrait by the way; it doesn't normally look that big, but for some reason it does in that picture. i don't know. i need to watch more movies, or read more novels ! but i'm pretty wrapped up in studying for my AP test. i'm aiming for a 5, but i'd be happy with a 3 or 4 as well. since i only have one, as i said, i feel like i have no excuse to not do really well. i've been studying a lot, and i hope it pays off in the end. still haven't made an etsy sale lately. maybe my confidence left with my sales. i don't know, but i don't like how i've been. everything just seems to come naturally. i need to work harder at everything. i need to be better than i am. damn, damn, damn, maybe that's me fucking things up again. i'm really at a loss for ideas on what to do. i guess i should just go watch ugly betty and live with it. i just seem to be getting tired of everyone. i'm all over the place and it sucks. i don't know how i feel about anything or anyone. who would know if i don't?
<-- sage echarpe, $9. available now at my etsy shop ! it's one of those moments where i'm losing my head. it's amazing what an hour of music can do for my mind. i've had this window open for at least twenty minutes, about to write a depressing blog about how empty i felt in this empty house of mine, but now that i've listened to jon brion's 'peer pressure' and i'm listening to rufus wainwright singing in french 'complainte de la butte,' it makes me smile. i was feeling like i wasted my week a little, i suppose. i didn't see any of my friends, i just spent the week watching films, knitting and going out places with my brother and sister. i guess this year i've changed a lot, just cos it's my sister's last year and i've decided to put all the bullshit behind us. i think i actually enjoyed this week a lot more than i thought i did. i made a lot of cute things, even though i didn't make any etsy money. i think i need to get back to where i was, in that sense though. think less about whether or not i made a kickass sale and more about having fun with everything, like i used to. money turns people into buckets of ugly. i know it firsthand from my mom, because she is that ugly. her whole life is about money and getting ahead; how do you enjoy life when all you care about are green pieces of paper that someone could've wiped their ass with before it got to you? people just don't seem to care about hygiene anymore. it stinks.. literally.
today i'm home alone, so far. i think i'm going to go out for a walk to the craft store. i've noticed my upper body strengthening, but my legs are starting to weaken. i think i'm going to try to go out jogging at least three times a week in may. but do you know what i love about this week? the fact that i went to the library like, three times. it has become one of my favorite places. have you ever actually thought about how amazing libraries are? i've always loved the library, but i mean, have you ever really thought about it? all these people from all different backgrounds, all over the world, throughout time, all coming together in one place. it's magical if you think about it. it's the views of so many people, in one place, harmoniously. all these thoughts of what life is, was and could be. i just love it so much. it brings you places you haven't been and shows you things you haven't, and probably may never see. jane austen, kurt vonnegut, truman capote... all with their own voices, all with their own tones. it's so lovely, if you think about it. someone disagrees in one book, someone agrees in the next. these arguments between spirits that could collide if the authors were living, but don't because it's in the spirit of the literature. life and death combine there, everything ends and begins there. in words, literature, voices, film, music. books are good friends, and some could be your best friends.
today i'm home alone, so far. i think i'm going to go out for a walk to the craft store. i've noticed my upper body strengthening, but my legs are starting to weaken. i think i'm going to try to go out jogging at least three times a week in may. but do you know what i love about this week? the fact that i went to the library like, three times. it has become one of my favorite places. have you ever actually thought about how amazing libraries are? i've always loved the library, but i mean, have you ever really thought about it? all these people from all different backgrounds, all over the world, throughout time, all coming together in one place. it's magical if you think about it. it's the views of so many people, in one place, harmoniously. all these thoughts of what life is, was and could be. i just love it so much. it brings you places you haven't been and shows you things you haven't, and probably may never see. jane austen, kurt vonnegut, truman capote... all with their own voices, all with their own tones. it's so lovely, if you think about it. someone disagrees in one book, someone agrees in the next. these arguments between spirits that could collide if the authors were living, but don't because it's in the spirit of the literature. life and death combine there, everything ends and begins there. in words, literature, voices, film, music. books are good friends, and some could be your best friends.
i feel like i should put more effort into my writing. i want to be a better writer. i want to feel like my writing is more meaningful than it has been... it hasn't been so meaningful has it? i suppose blogs are not to practice your writing skills as much as to document your life, but why not pick up two poops with one pooper scooper? [vegan censorship. at first i wrote 'kill two birds with one stone' then i was like, no. that sounds terrible ! that's so not kosher ! haha. then i was like 'pet two cats with...' and then i couldn't think of what to pet them with ! so then of course, the first thing to come to mind is feces, and then finally i made the decision to write pick up two poops with one pooper scooper, hehe. (:] i'm not sure how entertaining my writing is, but i hope it's at least somewhat appealing.
i know at moments i completely succumb to my hopeless feelings of love, like or lust or whatever else bothers me. lately i've been pretty juvenile and acting more my age just cos it's one of those stages where it just might be inevitable to not focus on anyone but you. sometimes it just happens that way, and when it does, you regret it, just cos you couldn't think of everyone for just five minutes. you had to think about you, and him, or you and them or just you being you and not wanting to care about all the problems of the world. genocide, global warming, war, war, war. either way the earth is doomed. if not gradually then by atomic war. if not, we'll just keep slaughtering the innocent until there is no one left but those few souls who did the deed and who will never be able to sleep a wink for the rest of their lives. some days i wonder how or what can drive a person to the point they would take someone's life. i can't comprehend how a person could handle the guilt and utter sadness of taking someone's life away. it was their gift, their burden and you just took it back, like taking a christmas gift right out of the hands of a child. how can we call ourselves worthy of life when we call others unworthy? time takes people when they need to go, not when we decide they should, but it happens anyway. i suppose some people can't handle what's thrown at them in this life, so they just think, in the next life maybe it will be better? maybe. just maybe, and that's all there is.
i know at moments i completely succumb to my hopeless feelings of love, like or lust or whatever else bothers me. lately i've been pretty juvenile and acting more my age just cos it's one of those stages where it just might be inevitable to not focus on anyone but you. sometimes it just happens that way, and when it does, you regret it, just cos you couldn't think of everyone for just five minutes. you had to think about you, and him, or you and them or just you being you and not wanting to care about all the problems of the world. genocide, global warming, war, war, war. either way the earth is doomed. if not gradually then by atomic war. if not, we'll just keep slaughtering the innocent until there is no one left but those few souls who did the deed and who will never be able to sleep a wink for the rest of their lives. some days i wonder how or what can drive a person to the point they would take someone's life. i can't comprehend how a person could handle the guilt and utter sadness of taking someone's life away. it was their gift, their burden and you just took it back, like taking a christmas gift right out of the hands of a child. how can we call ourselves worthy of life when we call others unworthy? time takes people when they need to go, not when we decide they should, but it happens anyway. i suppose some people can't handle what's thrown at them in this life, so they just think, in the next life maybe it will be better? maybe. just maybe, and that's all there is.
