2 posts tagged “high school”

long day. too long. too much room for thought, and then i overthink everything. especially what matters.

i started twilight, hardcore, today. i wasn't expecting to be as addicted as i'm growing. i guess now i understand the edward cullen hype. i guess anyone would love to fall in love with someone who was their absolute ideal in looks, combined with someone who would love them unconditionally to the extent that they would overcome so much and love them so much as to not only step out of their comfort zone, but to want to pretty much defy who they are. i've heard people make fun of other people for falling in love with a fictional character like edward cullen, but last year i fell in love with alex from a clockwork orange, i can't really talk. haha. don't ask why, i have strange taste. but anyway, i like it more than i though it would and i'm already almost 200 pages in. everyone is right when they say that you read it fast. i started reading slaughterhouse five last night also. i suck with books, honestly. i just have too many interests, and then i don't read fast enough. there is so much i want to read. right now i'm reading twilight, slaughterhouse five, watchmen and the crucible. probably tomorrow i'll be starting a different book. i'm an ass.


anyway, i'm going to be honest right now and truly vent something sort of embarrassing but maybe slightly sweet. i've written before about how i have crushes and such, but today i sort of went a little out of my normal self. i was talking to this guy i like about books and stuff. we read the same things, except he finishes them, haha. we watch the same movies and that kind of thing. i haven't really met anyone who intrigued me to this degree in a while. he makes me want to read what i haven't read and watch what i haven't seen. maybe it's that he has more free time than me or just reads faster, i don't know, but i'm just finding myself liking him. while we were talking, he was telling me which books he was going to read next, and i hadn't heard of either of them. being the ass i am, i want him to think i'm smarter than i am and i looked them up, hehe. it sort of makes me feel dumb when he reads so much more than i do, but what i want is someone who can have appreciation for things other people write, and who i'll be able to actually have a conversation with about things that matter. i guess i'm stupid for pretending i know something i don't, but it's just a stupid thing i did. you don't meet someone as fanatical about kurt vonnegut as you everyday. i don't know if i'm a bad person for it or if i'm just human. he reads nietzsche too. how often do you meet someone in high school who reads the same philiosophers you do? i'm just inspired and intrigued by him, i don't know. it's what i need. i need to read so i can get ahead and become better at writing and comprehending so when it comes time for filming, i'll be set. am i wrong?

<-- sage knit purse, $9.75. now available at my etsy shop ! today was a 'hump day' for lack of a better term. i began production on 'rosa: the movie' and i was so pumped ! it's coming out so funny, and i think it's going to be a lot of fun to continue making. my mind has just been in filmmaking- mode for so many years i'm starting to question whether or not it's what i really want to do. i guess 'rosa: the movie' will be the main judge of it. i mean, it is completely for fun, but i really want to put a lot into it. i want to either prove to myself that this is what i want or that this isn't what i want. by the end of this, i want to know if filmmaking is my calling or if i've just been scared to hang up the phone on the whole deal. i hate the cliffhanger ending that high school is creating for me. whether i'll end up in fashion design, interior design, filmmaking or something else out of the ordinary. i guess i just have so many interests that it's been harder for me to have a completely clear future. all i know is that i want to study abroad in iceland and japan, i want to go into the peace corps, i want to have kids and be the best mom i possibly can. everything else is pretty much up for grabs at this point. i don't know where life will take me, or if i want to go there. i guess i just want life to handle itself. i'm kind of scared of finding that i have zero film talent after all this time i've spent with it. it has been a comfort and a good friend, and i hope to continue that friendship, but if it ends it ends. my expertise and love of film will never die, it just might not end up being my life as i wanted it to, but it's unclear what i want at this point.

i now that i have that out there, everything else seems minuscule. i don't really care what many other people think anymore. school is almost over, and i hope i won't see a lot of people in the hallways. around the middle of the day i was just feeling basic high school side effects after i yelled at this kid pretty bad. it was a topic that had bothered me pretty much all year, i just needed to finally tell him off. after it, i felt bad. i don't know what to feel about it, but i guess it was for the best. it's better to be honest than to live a lie like some people do. but at this point, i feel that i was right but it's all kind of unimportant to me now.