10 posts tagged “happy”
i think too much. it was really sunny today. i decided not to stay after school and just come home. i still haven't called my parents to tell them that, but whatever. i'm listeing to rogue wave and being a mope-y weenie, but i;m actually okay with it. i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm starting to have second thoughts. my etsy sales are picking up and i got a convo this morning for a wholesale inquiry ! i'm madly excited. i've officially decided that listening to chicago x 12 while feeling sad is the greatest medication anywhere. i was probably just about to right a sort of asshole blog entry, but it got fixed by rogue wave's cheerful beats. now it's being followed by badly drawn boy. (: the world seems to know what i need.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- i found this on etsy the other day. kurt vonnegut is seriously, one of my favorite people to ever live. he's my soul mate, we were just born in the wrong decades. someday we'll be together, haha. not for his looks, for his mind. we thought sort of the same. i love his dark humor. i love how his books are so apocalyptic and full of the fall of humanity. it sounds weird, but i guess it's only for those who understand. it's hard for me to find someone i can really talk to about vonnegut's works and such. some people just don't understand my fascination with the apocalypse and the fall of humanity. i guess i wouldn't either if it wasn't me. i don't know, but i love this pin. it's the essence of vonnegut for a high school student.
i really want this shirt ! i love timber ! his art is so amazing and it has such great texture to it. i have yet to buy something from him, but if my wholesale inquiry goes well then i'll probably be buying more than that ! hehe. i'm really excited. if it goes through i won't have to worry about money for a good while, and hopefully i could eventually accumulate enough for my camcorder by next year ! i'm really hoping, hoping, hoping ! hehe. anyway, i love the illustration on this v-neck.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- rave cellphone cozy, $6. check etsy shop for details.
today was just so, odd. it was a mood swingy day, but what day hasn't been lately? for me at least. i got some books from the library. both of which will probably influence me a lot in the future, but on two totally different topics. the first, a book called film school confidential. it has information on basically, every film program in the united states, and tips on life before, during and after film school. i'll come back to that later. the second, the book that has been calling my soul, generation t. both books are probably going to be of great use to me in the future, but i fear both as well. stuck between different worlds again. film, fashion. thinking about which i am more passionate about, or is interior design what i want? it's so frustrating, trying to find out what you want. hopefully by the end of next week, when i'm waiting for thom yorke to come out on that stage, i'll know if i was meant for film. i'm scared for it. i'm trying to ignore my own expectations for myself, but it's so hard when film has become such a huge part of my life for so many years. but generation t really inspires me. i saw it in barnes and noble one day and from that day on, i knew it was my new love. so many things i could do, so much i could save and so much to love and so much to help me grow. it was like love at first sight ! haha. i'm so excited for it, but i'm also excited for the new york film academy next week. but which more? i can't even begin to tell.
about film school confidential, just bluntly in six words, scared the shit out of me. i started reading, and it talked so much about the massive amount of competition out there. how you have to be so well equipped, interesting, original, be at the right place at the right time pretty much. how your first feature film had to be a hit so you will have hopes of continuing. i want to be a filmmaker. i want to show people life through my eyes, that's what i want. i think i could add my own flavor or spice to anything. paprika here, pepper there. my life has just been so rich in so many mixed feelings. hopelessness, depression, lack of attention, but also, joy, euphoria and overall ecstatic nature. i've had some really great moments, and some really terrible ones, but i want to show the world who i am. i want my point of view to be shared and maybe someone will hear it. i want to get my message across. but i just get so scared that i'll fail.
today was just so, odd. it was a mood swingy day, but what day hasn't been lately? for me at least. i got some books from the library. both of which will probably influence me a lot in the future, but on two totally different topics. the first, a book called film school confidential. it has information on basically, every film program in the united states, and tips on life before, during and after film school. i'll come back to that later. the second, the book that has been calling my soul, generation t. both books are probably going to be of great use to me in the future, but i fear both as well. stuck between different worlds again. film, fashion. thinking about which i am more passionate about, or is interior design what i want? it's so frustrating, trying to find out what you want. hopefully by the end of next week, when i'm waiting for thom yorke to come out on that stage, i'll know if i was meant for film. i'm scared for it. i'm trying to ignore my own expectations for myself, but it's so hard when film has become such a huge part of my life for so many years. but generation t really inspires me. i saw it in barnes and noble one day and from that day on, i knew it was my new love. so many things i could do, so much i could save and so much to love and so much to help me grow. it was like love at first sight ! haha. i'm so excited for it, but i'm also excited for the new york film academy next week. but which more? i can't even begin to tell.
about film school confidential, just bluntly in six words, scared the shit out of me. i started reading, and it talked so much about the massive amount of competition out there. how you have to be so well equipped, interesting, original, be at the right place at the right time pretty much. how your first feature film had to be a hit so you will have hopes of continuing. i want to be a filmmaker. i want to show people life through my eyes, that's what i want. i think i could add my own flavor or spice to anything. paprika here, pepper there. my life has just been so rich in so many mixed feelings. hopelessness, depression, lack of attention, but also, joy, euphoria and overall ecstatic nature. i've had some really great moments, and some really terrible ones, but i want to show the world who i am. i want my point of view to be shared and maybe someone will hear it. i want to get my message across. but i just get so scared that i'll fail.
<-- reporter style eco journal by heatherlea. THIS ITEM IS NOT MADE BY ME. i just thought maybe i should switch it up sometimes. show off some other cool things around etsy, and who doesn't like some free publicity. i think heatherlea's recycled paper notebooks and journals are so cool ! recycled paper is just so unique looking, and i sometimes prefer it to regular. (: hehe. but anyway, check her out at heatherlea.etsy.com !
i'm only 6 small sales away from being halfway to 100 ! i know i'll probably achieve that by the end of the year, but maybe not by the end of the summer. ): it's the unfortunate truth, but i really don't mind. i've been feeling a lot better about everything today. i made plans with friends next week and tomorrow i'm going to go see bon jovi in central park. :D and maybe attempt to semi- fix things with my dad, even though i might end up being too stubborn in the end. i have flaws, and i'm aware of them. i guess maybe sometimes i need to be the bigger person more often, but i did get my sister a present for her baby... and on etsy of course ! i got her this cute onesie by ellembee. she has a lot of cute ones but i got the elliott the giraffe one. (: hopefully my new nephew will like it. too bad it will fit him in three months rather than now, but who knows, he might be pretty big. i wish i knew, but i'm planning on going to visit them in august, whether they want it or not. since i'll be in town, why not? hehe.
but anyway, i'm going to cut it short because i want to get back to the july palaver. :D and by the way, i'm so depressed that i ran out of episodes of the office to watch ! i guess i need to move on to the british version. (;
i'm only 6 small sales away from being halfway to 100 ! i know i'll probably achieve that by the end of the year, but maybe not by the end of the summer. ): it's the unfortunate truth, but i really don't mind. i've been feeling a lot better about everything today. i made plans with friends next week and tomorrow i'm going to go see bon jovi in central park. :D and maybe attempt to semi- fix things with my dad, even though i might end up being too stubborn in the end. i have flaws, and i'm aware of them. i guess maybe sometimes i need to be the bigger person more often, but i did get my sister a present for her baby... and on etsy of course ! i got her this cute onesie by ellembee. she has a lot of cute ones but i got the elliott the giraffe one. (: hopefully my new nephew will like it. too bad it will fit him in three months rather than now, but who knows, he might be pretty big. i wish i knew, but i'm planning on going to visit them in august, whether they want it or not. since i'll be in town, why not? hehe.
but anyway, i'm going to cut it short because i want to get back to the july palaver. :D and by the way, i'm so depressed that i ran out of episodes of the office to watch ! i guess i need to move on to the british version. (;
happy earth day ! i need to do something green today, but i don't know what. i'm having one of those self-doubt moments. i need to get off the computer. i need to focus on something elsewhere. i need to focus on what i'm making. so i did two exercise videos yesterday, and i don't feel worked out enough. i suppose while i was doing the videos it was burning, but i don't know if it was enough, but i can't imagine spending three or four hours working out rather than just two. now that i have days off, i need to work my ass out ! i need to get measuring tape or something so i can keep track on if i'm actually making any progress with this whole deal. i did yoga and a richard simmons tone & sweat video. soon i'm going to get buns of steal too. working, working, working it out.
i didn't fulfill all my yesterday goals. i traded '300' for bill murray's 'broken flowers' and i'm not sure how good of a choice that was, since i didn't love broken flowers as much as i thought i would. of course bill murray is always brilliant, but it just started to lack plot somewhere in there. i don't know when or why, but it just happened. i woke up with a stuffy nose, and that's not a good sign. allergies are back ! and it sucks. i have to finish my knitted purse as well. it's very cute and it'll fit your dvds and books, or at least it fit mine, but for you heavy readers, i'm not too sure. i didn't finish balzac and the little chinese seamstress either. basically yesterday was a trip to the thrift store and watching kids and doing almost nothing productive, which was bad. i haven't checked my horoscope in ages, but i did talk to an old friend yesterday, to whom i haven't spoke in at least a year or two. i tire of people so quickly and easily that i have so many old friends lying around, i guess, or people who hate my guts. either one will do. i don't know if it's worth it to make amends, just cos i don't even know how many people there are to make amends with. i guess a lot of the time i feel more like just living my life. i just want to be happy, but there are so many things out there that don't want you to be. i suppose i should try to not let them bother me, but i don't know, i guess i just let them get to me sometimes. like part of your heart was stolen and now it's been sent off into exile since they love someone else. it's so hard to watch people be happy at times, when you're not happy yourself. i need to work on that. i need to finish my book.
i didn't fulfill all my yesterday goals. i traded '300' for bill murray's 'broken flowers' and i'm not sure how good of a choice that was, since i didn't love broken flowers as much as i thought i would. of course bill murray is always brilliant, but it just started to lack plot somewhere in there. i don't know when or why, but it just happened. i woke up with a stuffy nose, and that's not a good sign. allergies are back ! and it sucks. i have to finish my knitted purse as well. it's very cute and it'll fit your dvds and books, or at least it fit mine, but for you heavy readers, i'm not too sure. i didn't finish balzac and the little chinese seamstress either. basically yesterday was a trip to the thrift store and watching kids and doing almost nothing productive, which was bad. i haven't checked my horoscope in ages, but i did talk to an old friend yesterday, to whom i haven't spoke in at least a year or two. i tire of people so quickly and easily that i have so many old friends lying around, i guess, or people who hate my guts. either one will do. i don't know if it's worth it to make amends, just cos i don't even know how many people there are to make amends with. i guess a lot of the time i feel more like just living my life. i just want to be happy, but there are so many things out there that don't want you to be. i suppose i should try to not let them bother me, but i don't know, i guess i just let them get to me sometimes. like part of your heart was stolen and now it's been sent off into exile since they love someone else. it's so hard to watch people be happy at times, when you're not happy yourself. i need to work on that. i need to finish my book.
<-- green swirly shell earrings, $3. listed today in my etsy shop ! today i feel a lot more in tuned with who i am. i wrote a new about me on my facebook; i prefer it to be my private facebook so don't add me unless we talk regularly or you just love me too much. in finally writing an about me, i don't know if it means i've found myself, or if i'm just growing to know myself better, but one thing that is very hard for me to write is an about me, i suppose. whenever i write one i always feel it's incomplete and keep editing it until i just get fed up. i guess it's better to just be blunt and upfront about who you are than to just ramble on about things no one cares about. i wrote an about me here on vox, but about mes never prove entirely accurate. they say about me but how can you know that? what kind of a spider understands arachnophobia? the answer is simply, it's up to everyone else to have their perceptions about you, i guess, but you are also entitled to your thoughts about who you think you are, and this is what, currently on facebook, it says i am:
'i'm jamie. i'd rather live life without pointless confrontations. as long as i live life making things, i'm good. people come in and out of my life, but in the end, i'm more in love with life itself.'
this sums me up the best, i feel, of anything i've ever written. the line 'i'd rather live life without pointless confrontations,' is a new thing for me. i'd rather back down and avoid fights than to start them for pointless reasons. i'd rather stop arguing and live than to live life in anger, hatred, looking for battles to fight and win. my competitive nature is diminishing somewhat, just cos i was overly competitive from the start. now i feel like i can accomplish things better than others, but still float in a world where i am also completely happy with who i am.
the line 'as long as i live life making things, i'm good,' was another important discovery for me this year. i learned a lot this year, mainly in media art honor society, about how unpredictable life really is. who knows where i could be in twenty years? making films? making clothes? making any money at all? but the way i see it, all i really love to do is create things. i sew, knit, make jewelry... but that's only my etsy life. i collage my room, i take photographs, i make films... but that's only my home life. outside of that is an endless window of opportunity in which i could just keep my right sided brain going and come up with endless ideas for endless creations and endless happiness. as long as i'm making something out of nothing, doing something worthwhile, life will work everything else out.
my last line, something i've been struggling with all my life is this, 'people come in and out of my life, but in the end, i'm more in love with life itself.' i had my first kind of, sort of relationship this year. it was pretty much dog shit from beginning to end. i didn't know much about anything or how i'd do at all, but it just ended up, i need my space. i lose and gain friends or boyfriends every year and it all ends up okay in the end, cos in the end, i have my goals and i have my dignity. i have what i want out of life and my twisted determination to get it. that is all.
'i'm jamie. i'd rather live life without pointless confrontations. as long as i live life making things, i'm good. people come in and out of my life, but in the end, i'm more in love with life itself.'
this sums me up the best, i feel, of anything i've ever written. the line 'i'd rather live life without pointless confrontations,' is a new thing for me. i'd rather back down and avoid fights than to start them for pointless reasons. i'd rather stop arguing and live than to live life in anger, hatred, looking for battles to fight and win. my competitive nature is diminishing somewhat, just cos i was overly competitive from the start. now i feel like i can accomplish things better than others, but still float in a world where i am also completely happy with who i am.
the line 'as long as i live life making things, i'm good,' was another important discovery for me this year. i learned a lot this year, mainly in media art honor society, about how unpredictable life really is. who knows where i could be in twenty years? making films? making clothes? making any money at all? but the way i see it, all i really love to do is create things. i sew, knit, make jewelry... but that's only my etsy life. i collage my room, i take photographs, i make films... but that's only my home life. outside of that is an endless window of opportunity in which i could just keep my right sided brain going and come up with endless ideas for endless creations and endless happiness. as long as i'm making something out of nothing, doing something worthwhile, life will work everything else out.
my last line, something i've been struggling with all my life is this, 'people come in and out of my life, but in the end, i'm more in love with life itself.' i had my first kind of, sort of relationship this year. it was pretty much dog shit from beginning to end. i didn't know much about anything or how i'd do at all, but it just ended up, i need my space. i lose and gain friends or boyfriends every year and it all ends up okay in the end, cos in the end, i have my goals and i have my dignity. i have what i want out of life and my twisted determination to get it. that is all.
yeah, this is my self- portrait of the week, hehe. i was contemplating for so long posting it, but it really sums up my last days of being vegan. yes, it's obnoxious, but it's me and today i felt confident enough to post it. so basically, the story behind this was the museum of natural history. i went last friday and they had all this food that looked so good ! pizza, chicken nuggets, donuts, wraps, salads with ranch dressing ! yum, fats ! but then, of course, i had to take the vegan road, so i ended up getting this vegetable pasta, non-meat couscous and broccoli. it was a good lunch, but i did hate watching everyone enjoy their meals more, hehe.
so today i went out running ! watching peaceful warrior really pumped me up. today i just feel a lot more serene and i like it. i feel more in tuned with my feelings and everything. i feel more active and happy. i hope everyday of this will make me calmer. i think that's one of my flaws; my over-enthusiasm or obnoxious nature. i dwell on things, i let things bother me, and i'm too loud at times. i don't know if that's something to love or loathe. all i know is i love just being back into a new goal. it makes me feel more complete. whenever i start achieving a goal i feel so much more complete and good about myself. maybe if i started a goal every week i'd always be happy.
after i watched peaceful warrior, pride & prejudice was on the oxygen network [yeah i know, i'm a loser who likes to watch the oxygen network sometimes] and i really liked it. of course, like most girls, i totally fell for mr. darcy, just cos he was so dedicated to his love. he did everything he could to help elizabeth and was so modest in professing his love. it's just what every girl wants i suppose. jane austen's character was just such an absolute ideal, but i suppose that is what happens whenever a woman writes a romance novel; one character will be their absolute ideal... it just sucks that it's so hard to find.
so today i went out running ! watching peaceful warrior really pumped me up. today i just feel a lot more serene and i like it. i feel more in tuned with my feelings and everything. i feel more active and happy. i hope everyday of this will make me calmer. i think that's one of my flaws; my over-enthusiasm or obnoxious nature. i dwell on things, i let things bother me, and i'm too loud at times. i don't know if that's something to love or loathe. all i know is i love just being back into a new goal. it makes me feel more complete. whenever i start achieving a goal i feel so much more complete and good about myself. maybe if i started a goal every week i'd always be happy.
after i watched peaceful warrior, pride & prejudice was on the oxygen network [yeah i know, i'm a loser who likes to watch the oxygen network sometimes] and i really liked it. of course, like most girls, i totally fell for mr. darcy, just cos he was so dedicated to his love. he did everything he could to help elizabeth and was so modest in professing his love. it's just what every girl wants i suppose. jane austen's character was just such an absolute ideal, but i suppose that is what happens whenever a woman writes a romance novel; one character will be their absolute ideal... it just sucks that it's so hard to find.
today i was kind of depressed, all day. i don't know if it's just the eating of sweets and meat, or the fact that i'm not feeling like myself... it's probably both. i guess i'm just so tired of the same old shit. i haven't been working at my goal, at all. i guess you feel a lot better about yourself when you have something to look forward to, or live up to, rather. i feel so rushed, constantly. always needing to be ahead of the game and it hurts. i don't know what's going on, but i feel like i'm depressed a lot lately, and it's not just today, it's almost always, well, except when i'm amongst people i actually care a lot about. i just hate the way some people treat me. it just feels pointless and annoying. i want to be free of this. i want to live a better life; a happier life. i want to leave my house and be free. i need to go on runs, walks. i need to work off all this belly fat i have, even though it isn't much. i don't think i'm far from having flat abs, but i suppose i just want them. i feel so stupid saying it, but i guess that's what i worry about now. i'm a teenage for christ's sakes. teenagers are notorious for having negative self-images and being moody assholes, and now i know i'm no exception, no matter how much i want to change the world. living would be so much easier, apathetically. you wouldn't care about other people, or what other people think, or making new friends; you'd only worry about you and how to get you where you need to go; but i'd never want that easy life. it sounds like crap. i suppose worrying is a lot better than not worrying. i guess my life is more worthwhile when i'm helping others, or having the intention to. i feel like i should make some revisions to my list. when i made it, i wasn't thinking as clearly as i am now. i was just sort of clicking on ideas. you can never be completely sure about anything ever, it seems.
i just need to be free. tomorrow i need to definitely put my new goal into action. i did do a bit of yoga today, but it was not enough. my arms and legs need working, and hopefully, if i run my whole body will be working. i'm going to try to really work at it, but chances are i'll probably slack again. i'm so busy this week, i guess. my sister wants to take me to steve & barry's and i have to mail a parcel. everything is just so jumbled up. i want to, and need to, be free of this. it feels so awful that i'm procrastinating this way. i feel like a failure, just two days after completing my vegan goal.
i just need to be free. tomorrow i need to definitely put my new goal into action. i did do a bit of yoga today, but it was not enough. my arms and legs need working, and hopefully, if i run my whole body will be working. i'm going to try to really work at it, but chances are i'll probably slack again. i'm so busy this week, i guess. my sister wants to take me to steve & barry's and i have to mail a parcel. everything is just so jumbled up. i want to, and need to, be free of this. it feels so awful that i'm procrastinating this way. i feel like a failure, just two days after completing my vegan goal.
<-- dusk gray echarpe, $9. available at my etsy shop ! today was an asshole. i probably couldn't even tell you why. i just didn't like it at all. i don't know why but it seems like no matter how hard i try, i can't manage to be happy in every day. it saddens me. i want to have enjoyment out of life, but how can you when you have so much hate inside you for no reason. i think i need to let all of this anger and hate out somehow, but how? i really would love to do it, honestly. i'm tired of being so scared. i'm tired of caring when i'm hurt; i bounce back anyway. i'm just so tired of myself in general. i wonder constantly, why can't i be nicer? the answer is, simply, that i can, but i haven't. i want to be nicer without being too nice that it either makes me annoying or vulnerable. i want to be who i want to be and i don't want anything to affect it. i don't know why i'm so unhappy with who i am, but i need to change it. i'm constantly asking myself to change and i don't. i hate it and it makes me so disappointed in myself. i press it upon myself, there's no one imposing this on me. it's only me to disappoint. me to change. me to try.
next month will be a mark in the right direction. tomorrow will be a mark in the right direction. a new life, a new love, a new peace, a new hate. i'm going vegan for the month and starting to achieve what i strive for. i want to be someone who gets what they want in life, with full control over their life. i guess i just need to accept myself for who i am in order to accomplish this, and it's going to be hard. if i can achieve all those goals on my list, i'll feel so free. i'll feel so accomplished. i'll feel like i've done it and start a new list. i need to start my life off again, but in a new and better direction where i feel content with where i am and what i'm doing.
i need to step it up in every single way possible. i need to be good at everything and multi-task. things seem to be getting progressively harder, which is why i need to act now. as things get harder, i want others to not matter at all. i want to overcome all of the obstacles i'm up against, and i will.
next month will be a mark in the right direction. tomorrow will be a mark in the right direction. a new life, a new love, a new peace, a new hate. i'm going vegan for the month and starting to achieve what i strive for. i want to be someone who gets what they want in life, with full control over their life. i guess i just need to accept myself for who i am in order to accomplish this, and it's going to be hard. if i can achieve all those goals on my list, i'll feel so free. i'll feel so accomplished. i'll feel like i've done it and start a new list. i need to start my life off again, but in a new and better direction where i feel content with where i am and what i'm doing.
i need to step it up in every single way possible. i need to be good at everything and multi-task. things seem to be getting progressively harder, which is why i need to act now. as things get harder, i want others to not matter at all. i want to overcome all of the obstacles i'm up against, and i will.
<--new item added to my etsy shop yesterday. green hand-knit zipper pouch, $6.25 today today today, i disappointed myself too many times already, and it's only but halfway over. if i don't accomplish something by the end of today i think i'll be forced to fully despair at my character. so this morning my dad kind of sort of apologized to me, but it was only kind of, and i wanted to fucking cry. he said things, but i felt like he didn't mean them at all. sometimes words just come out, but i couldn't forgive him for some reason. it's the big wall in front of my compassion. it's the me circa 7th grade, still holding me back. i want to break past it and be nice to everyone, but i can't escape my former self for some reason, and it's scary. i don't know why and how i'm so bitter, but i'm really not. it's like, i thought i changed, but i stayed the same. i'm stuck in the same rutt, the same hole, without progression. i used to say i didn't like change, i wanted 'constants' in my life, but i really don't. i want change. i want the world to change. i want barack obama for president. i want to change myself for the better but it's terribly hard for me to do when i'm still here... in this hole; but hopefully not eternally.
that was only part one of my being a disappointment. then i was too late to catch the post office. i couldn't mail my order in. -_____- standing there, where the lobby window should've been open, was absolutely degrading and depressing. another door closed, but nothing opened. and being the youth of today's america, i have no idea how many stamps are supposed to go on the envelope, so, in turn, i have to mail it monday and i feel like shit about it. this morning i felt so confident, and now, i have an utter lack of confidence. but is confidence really what makes us better people, or is it modesty? is it better to be quiet or loud? i guess it's to your preference, i just wish life would give you all the answers right away. sadly, nothing is ever easy.
i spent almost $30 at the craft store today. it felt like death on a stick. i don't know how or why i did it. i told myself to spend $15, and i spent so much. for all these reasons, i've disappointed myself today. i don't know what to do anymore. i guess all i can do now is try to make myself happy with myself again, and pretend to still have confidence, since that's what my horoscope said to do. i bought more felt and shit than i could probably use in a lifetime. i kind of like it though. i want to be busy. now that i have so much supplies, it's time to get crafty.
that was only part one of my being a disappointment. then i was too late to catch the post office. i couldn't mail my order in. -_____- standing there, where the lobby window should've been open, was absolutely degrading and depressing. another door closed, but nothing opened. and being the youth of today's america, i have no idea how many stamps are supposed to go on the envelope, so, in turn, i have to mail it monday and i feel like shit about it. this morning i felt so confident, and now, i have an utter lack of confidence. but is confidence really what makes us better people, or is it modesty? is it better to be quiet or loud? i guess it's to your preference, i just wish life would give you all the answers right away. sadly, nothing is ever easy.
i spent almost $30 at the craft store today. it felt like death on a stick. i don't know how or why i did it. i told myself to spend $15, and i spent so much. for all these reasons, i've disappointed myself today. i don't know what to do anymore. i guess all i can do now is try to make myself happy with myself again, and pretend to still have confidence, since that's what my horoscope said to do. i bought more felt and shit than i could probably use in a lifetime. i kind of like it though. i want to be busy. now that i have so much supplies, it's time to get crafty.
<-- new item to be added to my etsy shop; funfetti cable-knit hat, $9. so today i went to see two movies, on accident. i went to see Michel Gondry's new one, Be Kind Rewind and i went to see the Spiderwick Chronicles, which didn't mean to happen, but that's what i get for going to the movies with my mom and my brother.
so Be Kind Rewind was pretty much, very funny and very Gondry which i adore. i think Michel Gondry has really taken over Tim Burton for me, in terms of who i idol. of course i still idolize Tim Burton, but i think i want to make more Gondry-type pictures. i like the artistic perspective and point of view. it really intrigues me that we have an ability to express ourselves so freely in this world.
so i think i'm going to make my first independent short film. i have a good idea for it, i just need actors. i'll definitely post it here when i'm done. for now, it's just an idea. but there will be little to no talking throughout. it's more of an artistic, yet simple short film. it's like those short films before Pixar animated cartoons, minus the animation and plus the artistic flair. i really need to start making films and i really want to start being a busier person. i want to fill almost every minute of the day with some obligation; whether it be filming, schoolwork, meditation or DIY crafting; i want to be like, a superhero ! hahahah. i'm always happier when i'm busier, i think. i just need to step it up a bit i guess.
so later i'm sitting on babies, aka, babysitting, hahaha. that just gave me another good idea for a short film. hahahh ! i'm like pooping out ideas so fucking fast man ! i need to get working. i' ve pretty much decided to be content with the camera i have cos who cares about quality much anyway? as long as the film has a quality story, and after seeing Be Kind Rewind and the shit camera they used, who cares !? haha. that movie also made me really miss VHS ! i remember thinking, I WANT AS MANY VIDEOS AS POSSIBLE, and then two minutes later it was like I WANT AS MANY DVDS AS POSSIBLE ! hahahha. oh how consumerism has taken over our lives.
so Be Kind Rewind was pretty much, very funny and very Gondry which i adore. i think Michel Gondry has really taken over Tim Burton for me, in terms of who i idol. of course i still idolize Tim Burton, but i think i want to make more Gondry-type pictures. i like the artistic perspective and point of view. it really intrigues me that we have an ability to express ourselves so freely in this world.
so i think i'm going to make my first independent short film. i have a good idea for it, i just need actors. i'll definitely post it here when i'm done. for now, it's just an idea. but there will be little to no talking throughout. it's more of an artistic, yet simple short film. it's like those short films before Pixar animated cartoons, minus the animation and plus the artistic flair. i really need to start making films and i really want to start being a busier person. i want to fill almost every minute of the day with some obligation; whether it be filming, schoolwork, meditation or DIY crafting; i want to be like, a superhero ! hahahah. i'm always happier when i'm busier, i think. i just need to step it up a bit i guess.
so later i'm sitting on babies, aka, babysitting, hahaha. that just gave me another good idea for a short film. hahahh ! i'm like pooping out ideas so fucking fast man ! i need to get working. i' ve pretty much decided to be content with the camera i have cos who cares about quality much anyway? as long as the film has a quality story, and after seeing Be Kind Rewind and the shit camera they used, who cares !? haha. that movie also made me really miss VHS ! i remember thinking, I WANT AS MANY VIDEOS AS POSSIBLE, and then two minutes later it was like I WANT AS MANY DVDS AS POSSIBLE ! hahahha. oh how consumerism has taken over our lives.
