4 posts tagged “focus”

i need to regain focus. i've been in this apathetic mood for the past few weeks and i'm getting fed up with my lack of motivation. my priorities completely changed and it's not like i'm getting bad grades, it's just my mind is constantly in a different place and on particular people. i don't want to get swept away too fast and i've been trying really hard to slow myself down in terms of my feelings. i tend to fall fast, hard and get completely swept away, really fast. i hate that about myself sometimes. i don't want to get my heart broken over and over again. i know i tend to not be too empathetic with some other people, but i always want a safety net. sometimes i'm empathetic just because i usually have a lot on my mind. i know i should care more. i expect people to care how i feel and a lot of the time i ignore the feelings of others. i feel bad now. anyway, i just don't want to get hurt too bad. it's to the point where if i don't see him i feel sad. if i just saw him and got to speak to him at least once a day, i think i'd be fine. he is just my favorite person to talk to. everytime we talk i learn something new about him and usually i just like him even more. at times i feel like i'd be so much better if he could just always be in my life. someone i can relate to and share feelings with that makes me feel so warm inside. i don't know if i've ever felt so strongly towards anyone else... maybe once or twice. it's just like, the fact that i'm unsure of his feelings thus far, kills me. i think everyone is aware of my feelings. i feel like i'm coming onto him too much, now that i think about it. everyone who has ever seen me speaking with him, immediately knows i like him. when we first spoke, i instantly liked him. i wasn't expecting him to share so much interest with me. i feel tempted to say that i'm in love with him... but my fears of commitment and dependency are too large, as well as my fear of being hurt. i know i'm probably not the prettiest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the nicest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the most deserving girl in the world, but i think it's evident i try hard and i don't know. ugh, i ramble on about this every time i come here. i'm so tempted to just say this all to him, but i'm so scared at the same time. it's starting to upset me, how far i've been sucked into this. i need a distraction, but i get reminded of him over such small things. hahaha. now i'm feeling silly. anyway, i guess i'll watch a movie and be done with all this. i want it to be tomorrow already, so i can get eternal sunshine back and watch it 24/7.

it's is killing my insides ! i'm losing confidence ! ahhh ! hahah. not really. i just have to remember the fun aspect of things, i suppose, but it has been hard to keep myself entirely motivated. i need to stop caring about sales. i need to focus on the positives. like how much having this shop has boosted my creativity ! i think so much more about creative things now. i always wonder, what i could make, what people need, what i'd want, what hasn't been made? i like where i've been going, as far as my etsy shop goes. i have so many ideas, and they pop into my head daily. so in short, watch out world. all i know is i need more community service. i'm thinking about volunteering for this friendship circle where you spend an hour and a half a week to visit kids with special needs and do an activity or craft with them. i think it'd be interesting, and would keep me more open- minded about that sort of thing.

the picture i have here today, i didn't take. it's of devendra banhart, indie rocker and natalie portman's new boyfriend. upon signing on for AIM, i saw in the AIM today that someone was dating him and i just thought he was pretty hot for a bushy bearded boy, but the article was seeing it as odd and controversial, that natalie portman would have interest in this guy they said looks like a 'hobo.' to me, i mean, of course you idolize natalie portman. she's so nice and thin, you envy her, and she does so much for animals rights and the environment. she went to harvard no less ! i guess you can say i'm jealous of her brilliance and body, but that's just me. she's just so perfect, but anyway, i am in no way surprised by this pairing, but i'm also in no way surprised that tabloids can't seem to understand that there is beauty in people besides their bushy beards ! these celebrity bloggers, magazines, newspapers, they're all looking away from what's in front of them ! a guy with talent and sweetness. he's so unique in his music, and he sort of looks like her ex and my love, gael garcia bernal, if you take off the beard and give him gael's haircut.

magazines are just completely shallow these days, and so are people. they can't look beyond differences and into the eyes of an artist or a unique mind. we're always looking to get ahead, but all we're doing is putting ourselves behind in being so shallow. as much as i say i love jared leto or gael garcia bernal, or even devendra banhart, if i was with them and either of them turned out to be a disappointment, i'd treat them as anyone else. looks matter, but personality outshines it.

i feel like i should put more effort into my writing. i want to be a better writer. i want to feel like my writing is more meaningful than it has been... it hasn't been so meaningful has it? i suppose blogs are not to practice your writing skills as much as to document your life, but why not pick up two poops with one pooper scooper? [vegan censorship. at first i wrote 'kill two birds with one stone' then i was like, no. that sounds terrible ! that's so not kosher ! haha. then i was like 'pet two cats with...' and then i couldn't think of what to pet them with ! so then of course, the first thing to come to mind is feces, and then finally i made the decision to write pick up two poops with one pooper scooper, hehe. (:] i'm not sure how entertaining my writing is, but i hope it's at least somewhat appealing.

i know at moments i completely succumb to my hopeless feelings of love, like or lust or whatever else bothers me. lately i've been pretty juvenile and acting more my age just cos it's one of those stages where it just might be inevitable to not focus on anyone but you. sometimes it just happens that way, and when it does, you regret it, just cos you couldn't think of everyone for just five minutes. you had to think about you, and him, or you and them or just you being you and not wanting to care about all the problems of the world. genocide, global warming, war, war, war. either way the earth is doomed. if not gradually then by atomic war. if not, we'll just keep slaughtering the innocent until there is no one left but those few souls who did the deed and who will never be able to sleep a wink for the rest of their lives. some days i wonder how or what can drive a person to the point they would take someone's life. i can't comprehend how a person could handle the guilt and utter sadness of taking someone's life away. it was their gift, their burden and you just took it back, like taking a christmas gift right out of the hands of a child. how can we call ourselves worthy of life when we call others unworthy? time takes people when they need to go, not when we decide they should, but it happens anyway. i suppose some people can't handle what's thrown at them in this life, so they just think, in the next life maybe it will be better? maybe. just maybe, and that's all there is.

lately i've found myself being so completely unhappy. especially a day like today, where i found myself feeling so adolescent and stupid. i hate feeling like i am my age, or like i'm immature. i know i'm probably never going to fully grow up, just cos that's my nature. my nature is to try and be a neutral age, or a neutral person. someone who can get along with people that are any age. as much as i love talking about politics, i also love talking about webkinz. things like that make me feel pretty good. it's like a personality achievement. but i still haven't been too happy with myself lately, and i don't like feeling as though i have low self-esteem. i guess the root of the problem is, i don't feel completely needed anymore, by anyone but myself. i guess i kind of like having people dependent on me. i haven't had that in a while, but i guess i need it.

so today i had a taste of teenage angst, and i must say, it was a quite awful taste and i wish i wouldn't have had it. so a while back i spoke of not missing that SAT course i was taking a year before everyone else? well yesterday i was in school until 4.10ish, finishing my painting for art, that i still haven't finished. that painting has been the bane of my existence for the past few weeks because i can't get the sky right ! but that's besides the point. i cursed some people out because they were making noises and blah blah blah, i was feeling stressed and bitchy. so i get home, hungry as hell and just trying to freaking get by, and we're about to go out to dinner. then my dad realizes, oh ! i have my SAT course today. i didn't freaking want to go. i was hungry ! and would've been completely unfocused due to the growls of my stomach and the dryness of my throat. i know myself, and i know that it would ruin any concentration of mine, so i said i wasn't going, i was hungry. and so now my dad is mad at me, and is probably going to give me the high school-type silent treatment, like he has before. i think it's stupid and immature of him. i'm not sure if this whole ordeal was really angst or just hunger, but nevertheless, i did do something somewhat irrational i guess.

all the stress from this little ordeal made me so crazy and depressed once i got home from dinner. i just stayed in my room, waiting for LOST to come on. that show never fails to freaking amaze me and make me feel better. it's like it matches my mood every time to make me feel better or make me think. last night's episode made me cry hysterically out of utter joy. i loved it. it was my favorite episode of the season, not to be topped by any. desmond is my new favorite character.