10 posts tagged “feelings”
i need to regain focus. i've been in this apathetic mood for the past few weeks and i'm getting fed up with my lack of motivation. my priorities completely changed and it's not like i'm getting bad grades, it's just my mind is constantly in a different place and on particular people. i don't want to get swept away too fast and i've been trying really hard to slow myself down in terms of my feelings. i tend to fall fast, hard and get completely swept away, really fast. i hate that about myself sometimes. i don't want to get my heart broken over and over again. i know i tend to not be too empathetic with some other people, but i always want a safety net. sometimes i'm empathetic just because i usually have a lot on my mind. i know i should care more. i expect people to care how i feel and a lot of the time i ignore the feelings of others. i feel bad now. anyway, i just don't want to get hurt too bad. it's to the point where if i don't see him i feel sad. if i just saw him and got to speak to him at least once a day, i think i'd be fine. he is just my favorite person to talk to. everytime we talk i learn something new about him and usually i just like him even more. at times i feel like i'd be so much better if he could just always be in my life. someone i can relate to and share feelings with that makes me feel so warm inside. i don't know if i've ever felt so strongly towards anyone else... maybe once or twice. it's just like, the fact that i'm unsure of his feelings thus far, kills me. i think everyone is aware of my feelings. i feel like i'm coming onto him too much, now that i think about it. everyone who has ever seen me speaking with him, immediately knows i like him. when we first spoke, i instantly liked him. i wasn't expecting him to share so much interest with me. i feel tempted to say that i'm in love with him... but my fears of commitment and dependency are too large, as well as my fear of being hurt. i know i'm probably not the prettiest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the nicest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the most deserving girl in the world, but i think it's evident i try hard and i don't know. ugh, i ramble on about this every time i come here. i'm so tempted to just say this all to him, but i'm so scared at the same time. it's starting to upset me, how far i've been sucked into this. i need a distraction, but i get reminded of him over such small things. hahaha. now i'm feeling silly. anyway, i guess i'll watch a movie and be done with all this. i want it to be tomorrow already, so i can get eternal sunshine back and watch it 24/7.
i just want things to calm down. i just want myself to calm down. i just want my mind to be clear and my heart to be open. i'm tired of thinking about things, i just want to live my life again. when my mind is all muddled up it's hard to set myself straight. i just want to forget everything and be calmer and be at peace. i want to forget everything and just approach everything with an open mind and heart. i'm tired of thinking things over again and again and yet again. i just want to dive in and not worry about the consequence. i don't want to be thinking about what to say or how to act before i do or say something. i just want to do it. i just want to be free of my own feelings and feel like myself again. i'm the best version of myself i've ever been. i'm reeking in determination that probably isn't even worth it. maybe just sleeping things off will help, but right now, i'm just in such a muddle. i just want to break through the fog and be carefree. right now i'm caring too much. i'm completely afraid of my feelings and their consequence. i want to say the right things and act the right way. i don't want to blow anything, but the way i've been thinking everything through, i feel like i'm blowing everything. i just want to be normal again, not in love or like or whatever you or i would call it. i'm growing to hate the feeling and i'm pushing it away in any way i can. i just want to sleep for a good few hours. sleep it off, wake up, and not have a care in the world. not worry about the future, or fret about the past because it's the present and this moment, right now, should be all that matters. what it comes down to is, there is a world out there bigger than us. there is a world out there bigger than me, where things like this won't matter and how i feel won't matter. right now, feeling infinite, things just seem calmer, better. i feel nothing but the blood rushing to my head and through my body. the nerves coming over me and the mind sinking into this thought of infinity. i don't want to think of anything else unless i'm truly positive i'm in love with him. i don't want to think about it anymore. i don't want to worry about if i said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way. i'm me and that's all. i just want to feel like me again. i live to live like me. i live to be like me. i am me and always will be. this infinity is all i'll be once i'm gone, and i can't decide if i should just scare him off with my true feelings, wait until i find out if he feels the same or just expel him from my mind as best i can, which would be impossible. i know the logical choice that anyone would tell me, to tell him, but it's harder than that. i've laid it all out so many times that it's not even worth the plunge, i feel. maybe i'm too proud to be the one to say it all again. maybe i just don't want to get hurt, all i know is that the longer i wait and the more time passes, the more reasons i think of to not do it. to not have him and to not want him. i just don't want to worry about things anymore. i'm going to go take a long nap and leave Heima playing on my television screen. i'll sleep in iceland today. i'll nap in iceland and hopefully wake up there, in a new place, with a new life and away from him.
<-- palaver zine 003, $3. available now at my etsy shop. [if you dig my blog, you'll almost definitely dig my zine !]
i love who i am sometimes. this week has been strange to say the least. i've had sudden bursts of 'i love me !' not in a cocky way though, more in a i'm a strong person with a creative mind kind of way.
i fall for people i relate to, quite easily in fact. i don't mean to, but it happens when i don't realize. i get scared of it too, and that's when things fall apart. i almost fell yesterday.. but when the person is taken it's hard.sometimes i just find myself in need of sharing things with someone i could speak to on an intimate type of level. things i couldn't tell a close friend, acquaintance or even my fish. i end up holding them inside. i guess i unleashed all that 'inside' last week. i feel so free now, but things were looking sort of complicated at moments this week, but they seem to be going up again, so that's good. (: i guess sometimes i just need to look at myself in the mirror and remember i'm a good and strong person. look back on my life and smile. i don't know where i got all this confidence from almost. all i can think of is when we were working on my short film and my crew was treating me like i was some kind of genius, especially our TA (teaching assistant, who is usually in their 20s and just helps you along). and no, it's not a pedophilia thing, i think i would've been disgusted and would've noticed if it was. but it just struck me so much the way their faces were so in agreement and in awe. they would always say 'i like that,' and i'd take their advice too. but i just remember being in the editing room and the TA kept coming over to me asking me how far i was and stuff, and once i was done he kept saying 'that's dope,' and one of the girls in my crew was asking him to see her film and she said 'it's not as good as that.' it just made me feel so confident and great. it made me really happy. i think i'm at a major turning point in my life, just because last week made it for me. i want to maintain this, i want to maintain this. it's all i can think about.
if you want to see the short film i made, convo me on etsy. it's on a dvd and i can probably make copies, but i don't know how to rip it from the dvd to the computer. if you know how to do that comment here, but otherwise, i'd be happy to try to send copies. i'll also send a note that you should read prior so you can 'get it.' it's hard to understand if i don't explain it first.
oh ! and i might be opening another etsy shop with my friend. (: yes, i'll be running two if it happens. jamieleto.etsy.com shall never die, but a new shop may be on the rise. we want to save up for radiohead tickets for the next time they come around, as well as various fun things on etsy. (: we're going to make radiohead themed things and it's going to be fun ! or at least it sounds as though it will be. i guess we shall see. ;D but i'll keep you posted.
i love who i am sometimes. this week has been strange to say the least. i've had sudden bursts of 'i love me !' not in a cocky way though, more in a i'm a strong person with a creative mind kind of way.
i fall for people i relate to, quite easily in fact. i don't mean to, but it happens when i don't realize. i get scared of it too, and that's when things fall apart. i almost fell yesterday.. but when the person is taken it's hard.sometimes i just find myself in need of sharing things with someone i could speak to on an intimate type of level. things i couldn't tell a close friend, acquaintance or even my fish. i end up holding them inside. i guess i unleashed all that 'inside' last week. i feel so free now, but things were looking sort of complicated at moments this week, but they seem to be going up again, so that's good. (: i guess sometimes i just need to look at myself in the mirror and remember i'm a good and strong person. look back on my life and smile. i don't know where i got all this confidence from almost. all i can think of is when we were working on my short film and my crew was treating me like i was some kind of genius, especially our TA (teaching assistant, who is usually in their 20s and just helps you along). and no, it's not a pedophilia thing, i think i would've been disgusted and would've noticed if it was. but it just struck me so much the way their faces were so in agreement and in awe. they would always say 'i like that,' and i'd take their advice too. but i just remember being in the editing room and the TA kept coming over to me asking me how far i was and stuff, and once i was done he kept saying 'that's dope,' and one of the girls in my crew was asking him to see her film and she said 'it's not as good as that.' it just made me feel so confident and great. it made me really happy. i think i'm at a major turning point in my life, just because last week made it for me. i want to maintain this, i want to maintain this. it's all i can think about.
if you want to see the short film i made, convo me on etsy. it's on a dvd and i can probably make copies, but i don't know how to rip it from the dvd to the computer. if you know how to do that comment here, but otherwise, i'd be happy to try to send copies. i'll also send a note that you should read prior so you can 'get it.' it's hard to understand if i don't explain it first.
oh ! and i might be opening another etsy shop with my friend. (: yes, i'll be running two if it happens. jamieleto.etsy.com shall never die, but a new shop may be on the rise. we want to save up for radiohead tickets for the next time they come around, as well as various fun things on etsy. (: we're going to make radiohead themed things and it's going to be fun ! or at least it sounds as though it will be. i guess we shall see. ;D but i'll keep you posted.
<-- ralfff squee, $5. available in my etsy shop. i know i'm supposed to be away today, but things got mixed up and film camp starts tomorrow instead, so i'm in your life for another day more before i take a six day hiatus ! hooray? not really i guess.
i have a film planned out, and i've had it in my mind for about a week. once i thought of it, it just sort of hit me as something i have to do. it's something personal, and something i can't really ignore, but it doesn't end positively, which bothers me. i guess i'll lay it out here, but all rights are reserved to me ! so don't try to steal it just because i like to think here please ! chances are it might not even be that great anyway, but before i begin, i just want to put all the cards on the table, so to speak. even though this is the most minimal camp the new york film academy offers, it might be my deciding factor for the future. summer is almost over, i'm getting older. i want to apply to colleges with wisdom, pride and assurance in my heart. i don't want to make a mistake and apply somewhere i won't be happy in. if i end up finding that film is still who i am, i most definitely won't stop, but if i find that other roads and avenues are calling me, i just might have to break this, but i want to know. living with a lifelong regret of not pursuing my dream is one of my worst fears, but as of right now, i haven't even figured out what my dream is.
every time i hear a song, read a book, hear someone say something i like, i think of it being to film. my mind is in film mode. things inspire me and i just go right there. it's my outlet, and i suppose that's what it should be.
so my idea is, basically, thank you notes. it's on my goals list and one night, while watching american beauty, i thought of a sort of dismal thought. a sort of, thought that expands and grows on me. a short film, about a girl and her once best friend. it starts out as her writing a light-hearted thank you note, thanking her for the experiences they shared and for always being such a great friend. she'd speak in the past tense like, 'we'd have so much fun together. we'd laugh about everything and make all the big problems seem so little. thank you for being such a great friend to me.' but then the note would take a sour turn, with something along the lines of, 'i thought we'd always be friends, until you left when i needed you the most.' this is personal to me. i think it's personal to anyone. a good friend that leaves, a hard time you can't handle alone, and people who can't take you at your worst, so in the words of marilyn monroe, don't deserve you at your best. throughout the beginning, there would be random flashes, and experimentation with time. sped up sometimes, but with flashes of the times with the friend. so basically, you would see glimpses of them together. but when it takes a turn for the worse, it would turn into aggression, and pretty much all the insanity would open up and then i'd mix in sorts of reds and blacks, a darker tone with a darker turn to the music and the overall film. then she would end off the letter, with a sort of thank you for helping me in shaping me into the stronger, smarter, better person i am today. and then she would take the letter, put it in the envelope and things would return to normalcy. in this moment, she walks out the door, is in front of the mailbox [i imagined it as one of those moderately sized blue ones you find in the city or near the post office. she'd stare at the envelope for a few seconds, open the door of the mailbox, and not go through with it. she would then return to her room and take out a box. she'd stick the letter in that box. the camera would close up to the inside of the box of... envelopes. it would then zoom out to see the girl sitting or laying in shame. she'd written numerous letters, but had not had the strength to send any. i want this to capture the hopelessness and the feelings we can't seem to leave behind. in some ways, it would help me reconcile and release the hopelessness i feel at times. i want to let it go, and maybe this will help me, as well as other people. this is the film i want to make, and i think it would be around three minutes long, because i think that's our maximum, but anyway, if you're willing to read this long thought, leave me some feedback. it'd be most appreciated. idea, copyright jamieleto, all rights reserved. :)
i have a film planned out, and i've had it in my mind for about a week. once i thought of it, it just sort of hit me as something i have to do. it's something personal, and something i can't really ignore, but it doesn't end positively, which bothers me. i guess i'll lay it out here, but all rights are reserved to me ! so don't try to steal it just because i like to think here please ! chances are it might not even be that great anyway, but before i begin, i just want to put all the cards on the table, so to speak. even though this is the most minimal camp the new york film academy offers, it might be my deciding factor for the future. summer is almost over, i'm getting older. i want to apply to colleges with wisdom, pride and assurance in my heart. i don't want to make a mistake and apply somewhere i won't be happy in. if i end up finding that film is still who i am, i most definitely won't stop, but if i find that other roads and avenues are calling me, i just might have to break this, but i want to know. living with a lifelong regret of not pursuing my dream is one of my worst fears, but as of right now, i haven't even figured out what my dream is.
every time i hear a song, read a book, hear someone say something i like, i think of it being to film. my mind is in film mode. things inspire me and i just go right there. it's my outlet, and i suppose that's what it should be.
so my idea is, basically, thank you notes. it's on my goals list and one night, while watching american beauty, i thought of a sort of dismal thought. a sort of, thought that expands and grows on me. a short film, about a girl and her once best friend. it starts out as her writing a light-hearted thank you note, thanking her for the experiences they shared and for always being such a great friend. she'd speak in the past tense like, 'we'd have so much fun together. we'd laugh about everything and make all the big problems seem so little. thank you for being such a great friend to me.' but then the note would take a sour turn, with something along the lines of, 'i thought we'd always be friends, until you left when i needed you the most.' this is personal to me. i think it's personal to anyone. a good friend that leaves, a hard time you can't handle alone, and people who can't take you at your worst, so in the words of marilyn monroe, don't deserve you at your best. throughout the beginning, there would be random flashes, and experimentation with time. sped up sometimes, but with flashes of the times with the friend. so basically, you would see glimpses of them together. but when it takes a turn for the worse, it would turn into aggression, and pretty much all the insanity would open up and then i'd mix in sorts of reds and blacks, a darker tone with a darker turn to the music and the overall film. then she would end off the letter, with a sort of thank you for helping me in shaping me into the stronger, smarter, better person i am today. and then she would take the letter, put it in the envelope and things would return to normalcy. in this moment, she walks out the door, is in front of the mailbox [i imagined it as one of those moderately sized blue ones you find in the city or near the post office. she'd stare at the envelope for a few seconds, open the door of the mailbox, and not go through with it. she would then return to her room and take out a box. she'd stick the letter in that box. the camera would close up to the inside of the box of... envelopes. it would then zoom out to see the girl sitting or laying in shame. she'd written numerous letters, but had not had the strength to send any. i want this to capture the hopelessness and the feelings we can't seem to leave behind. in some ways, it would help me reconcile and release the hopelessness i feel at times. i want to let it go, and maybe this will help me, as well as other people. this is the film i want to make, and i think it would be around three minutes long, because i think that's our maximum, but anyway, if you're willing to read this long thought, leave me some feedback. it'd be most appreciated. idea, copyright jamieleto, all rights reserved. :)
i'm split in half. it's really weird. i don't know. today i had yet another field trip. i feel like i'm so behind in school since i missed two days in a row, although i had legitimate excuses for both days. i can tell i have a long night ahead of me... a night of nonstop homework and procrastination i should've gotten over with on my hour and a half train ride. i randomly started writing a story yesterday afternoon. i'm not sure where it was going exactly but i could tell i was in it. my subconcious was pretty much typing the words while i just seemed to move my fingers. i didn't really know what to expect of it at first, but now i think i'm just going to let it continue and see where it takes me. i just had this urge to write a story yesterday. it was strange. i guess i was afraid i'd forget my ideas. my memory has been getting worse and worse, it's to the point where i forget so many things. thank goodness i knew it was thursday today or i would probably be missing the LOST season finale, which would be equivalent to death ! but today i just had a lot of time to think things over. i'm not sure why i feel the way i do about certain people, when they're quite obviously not my type. i don't know where the attraction comes from, but i need to rid myself of it since i kind of have a new interest in someone more interesting. haha, i used the word 'interest' a lot in that sentence. but anyway, i'm just really tired i suppose. my blisters from yesterday are still burning hardcore, and since all i did today was walk, walk and walk ! it didn't make anything feel any better. all i can say is that i need a new shower cd and i need to sort out my feelings. i don't want to be all confused about everything like i am now. i don't even know how to feel and i feel as though it may be impossible for me to ever regain this consciousness of feeling. i'm confused.
"stalker's my whole style and if i get caught i'll deny, deny, deny..." an excerpt from a completely genius song by the band Why? that i love. those guys are just so totally awesome, how can you not love them? i love their name too. a while back, a few years ago, i remember talking to my sister and cousin about a band having a name like that. i think we came up with the name 'i don't know' though. the point of it was so then whenever someone would ask what your favorite band is, the conversation would go in circles like 'what's your favorite band?' 'i don't know' 'what do you mean you don't know?' 'i don't know !' but in our idea, all the song and album names would do the same thing. but i do love Why?'s name. it has the similar effect and when i first started getting into Why? that was what really drew me to them. a good band name always make the band extra fun. like harry and the potters or natalie portman's shaved head.
but lately i've critiquing myself a lot. i don't know where my hate ends and mind begins. everywhere i look, it seems there is someone hating me. i walk around high school and i see old friends who are friends no more, old foes who are just ignored and people who are just people i'll never know, and probably shouldn't know anyway. i find that i'm much too careless when it comes to other people. i feel like i go through people like pages in a book. i don't know what it is about me. i tire of people much too easily, and although it's all to avoid myself getting hurt, i don't know if it's the greatest trait to have. a lot of people think i hate them when i don't. i truth, there are some situations where i just don't know how to act at all, i need to fix it.
but lately i've critiquing myself a lot. i don't know where my hate ends and mind begins. everywhere i look, it seems there is someone hating me. i walk around high school and i see old friends who are friends no more, old foes who are just ignored and people who are just people i'll never know, and probably shouldn't know anyway. i find that i'm much too careless when it comes to other people. i feel like i go through people like pages in a book. i don't know what it is about me. i tire of people much too easily, and although it's all to avoid myself getting hurt, i don't know if it's the greatest trait to have. a lot of people think i hate them when i don't. i truth, there are some situations where i just don't know how to act at all, i need to fix it.
yeah, this is my self- portrait of the week, hehe. i was contemplating for so long posting it, but it really sums up my last days of being vegan. yes, it's obnoxious, but it's me and today i felt confident enough to post it. so basically, the story behind this was the museum of natural history. i went last friday and they had all this food that looked so good ! pizza, chicken nuggets, donuts, wraps, salads with ranch dressing ! yum, fats ! but then, of course, i had to take the vegan road, so i ended up getting this vegetable pasta, non-meat couscous and broccoli. it was a good lunch, but i did hate watching everyone enjoy their meals more, hehe.
so today i went out running ! watching peaceful warrior really pumped me up. today i just feel a lot more serene and i like it. i feel more in tuned with my feelings and everything. i feel more active and happy. i hope everyday of this will make me calmer. i think that's one of my flaws; my over-enthusiasm or obnoxious nature. i dwell on things, i let things bother me, and i'm too loud at times. i don't know if that's something to love or loathe. all i know is i love just being back into a new goal. it makes me feel more complete. whenever i start achieving a goal i feel so much more complete and good about myself. maybe if i started a goal every week i'd always be happy.
after i watched peaceful warrior, pride & prejudice was on the oxygen network [yeah i know, i'm a loser who likes to watch the oxygen network sometimes] and i really liked it. of course, like most girls, i totally fell for mr. darcy, just cos he was so dedicated to his love. he did everything he could to help elizabeth and was so modest in professing his love. it's just what every girl wants i suppose. jane austen's character was just such an absolute ideal, but i suppose that is what happens whenever a woman writes a romance novel; one character will be their absolute ideal... it just sucks that it's so hard to find.
so today i went out running ! watching peaceful warrior really pumped me up. today i just feel a lot more serene and i like it. i feel more in tuned with my feelings and everything. i feel more active and happy. i hope everyday of this will make me calmer. i think that's one of my flaws; my over-enthusiasm or obnoxious nature. i dwell on things, i let things bother me, and i'm too loud at times. i don't know if that's something to love or loathe. all i know is i love just being back into a new goal. it makes me feel more complete. whenever i start achieving a goal i feel so much more complete and good about myself. maybe if i started a goal every week i'd always be happy.
after i watched peaceful warrior, pride & prejudice was on the oxygen network [yeah i know, i'm a loser who likes to watch the oxygen network sometimes] and i really liked it. of course, like most girls, i totally fell for mr. darcy, just cos he was so dedicated to his love. he did everything he could to help elizabeth and was so modest in professing his love. it's just what every girl wants i suppose. jane austen's character was just such an absolute ideal, but i suppose that is what happens whenever a woman writes a romance novel; one character will be their absolute ideal... it just sucks that it's so hard to find.
today was just... odd. i liked it at times; it wasn't as terrible as i was anticipating. my main concern was that i wouldn't be able to do any of the yoga poses we're learning in gym class, yet again, but today was my day i guess. i could do basically all the poses we learned, and it was painful, but it felt good that i could do something for a change ! haha. i'm feeling very confident about my grade in biology this quarter though; i feel as though it is pretty much impossible for me to get lower than an A. this quarter is going by so fast, and the AP test is coming so soon; i don't know if i can keep up, but i think i'm going to start studying very soon. i need to practice up on my essay writing skills and get better at being an AP student. i don't feel like i poured much into school this quarter either. i feel like things just happened. i don't think my grade in AP world this quarter is going to be where it should be, at all. i always have to miss extra credit assignments because of media art honor society; but being in media art honor society is pretty important to me, so i guess that just means i should've worked harder.
as i said, today was quite odd. just cos my feelings and my mind were just, everywhere. i'm feeling a lot better than i did yesterday, but it's just not enough right now, i suppose. i guess i need something more, and i'm going to find it, and achieve it somehow. everything is just in such a jumble and a fog at the moment, and i want everything to be on track again like it was. i need some pets; i want some pets. just like, things, companions, to keep in my room. i guess maybe i'd like to feel that something is dependent on me in some way. i want to get fishes and a turtle. i wish i could get a seahorse as well, but those are probably harder to find. it'd be cool to have a shark, but maybe not so much in a few years. i actually really want an elephant, and i'll tell you why; for my next journalism article i convinced my teacher to let me write about something exotic... PAINTING ELEPHANTS. it's not a hoax, these elephants are artists ! click below and see ! i feel like it's going to be an amazing article; but i just love what animals can do !
as i said, today was quite odd. just cos my feelings and my mind were just, everywhere. i'm feeling a lot better than i did yesterday, but it's just not enough right now, i suppose. i guess i need something more, and i'm going to find it, and achieve it somehow. everything is just in such a jumble and a fog at the moment, and i want everything to be on track again like it was. i need some pets; i want some pets. just like, things, companions, to keep in my room. i guess maybe i'd like to feel that something is dependent on me in some way. i want to get fishes and a turtle. i wish i could get a seahorse as well, but those are probably harder to find. it'd be cool to have a shark, but maybe not so much in a few years. i actually really want an elephant, and i'll tell you why; for my next journalism article i convinced my teacher to let me write about something exotic... PAINTING ELEPHANTS. it's not a hoax, these elephants are artists ! click below and see ! i feel like it's going to be an amazing article; but i just love what animals can do !
<--black-white scarf, $12. now available in my etsy shop. today was not great at all. i really didn't like it much. i guess it had its moments, but right now i really don't like it. i seemed okay, but i'm sort of dying inside, or maybe just trying to. i'm not sure how i feel. i'm either confused or content for real. right now i feel completely fine, but i don't think i'm supposed to. i don't know if that's really how i feel or not. there is just a lot going on, kind of.
i brought my old school polaroid into school today. i took three pictures. i don't scan my polaroids anymore, but it was pretty much the highlight of the day. i'm not sure how i feel exactly. school was alright, but something felt sort of empty. i feel like i'm missing something i suppose. media art honor society was canceled, so there was that. sometimes i feel as though i look forward to it, but most days, i really don't. i guess that's cos it's only fun sometimes, not all the time. i hate when things are fickle and you never know which way they'll go. i guess basically, things haven't been going so well at home. today i was instant messaging my older sister who my parents have a pointless grudge against. she said something that really hit me close to home. 'i'm tired of fighting for a family who only cares about money.' and i thought about it for a moment, and realized it was true. not only for our family, but for most families, most of the world. i've discovered my hate for the fact that everything is about money nowadays. not that i don't like having money, i'm not one to say that our monetary system is terrible i suppose, but i think there is a lack of morals in the world today. i think money has become life to a lot of people in the world, and it shouldn't be. another reason why i love my goal list, because it's about living LIFE, not living money. money is not life, life is life. nature is life. beauty is life. experience is life. i want to experience. be extraordinary. i hope i already am.
i found rainbow colored yarn in my yarn drawer today. i'm knitting something. i love when i don't know what i'm doing. i love how i surprise myself in my knits. i start something and it ends beautifully, and then is enjoyed by someone else. i want to be more than ordinary. i don't know why i do some of the things i do, but i do know this, i want to make a difference in the world. actually, i shouldn't say that. i will make a difference in the world.
i brought my old school polaroid into school today. i took three pictures. i don't scan my polaroids anymore, but it was pretty much the highlight of the day. i'm not sure how i feel exactly. school was alright, but something felt sort of empty. i feel like i'm missing something i suppose. media art honor society was canceled, so there was that. sometimes i feel as though i look forward to it, but most days, i really don't. i guess that's cos it's only fun sometimes, not all the time. i hate when things are fickle and you never know which way they'll go. i guess basically, things haven't been going so well at home. today i was instant messaging my older sister who my parents have a pointless grudge against. she said something that really hit me close to home. 'i'm tired of fighting for a family who only cares about money.' and i thought about it for a moment, and realized it was true. not only for our family, but for most families, most of the world. i've discovered my hate for the fact that everything is about money nowadays. not that i don't like having money, i'm not one to say that our monetary system is terrible i suppose, but i think there is a lack of morals in the world today. i think money has become life to a lot of people in the world, and it shouldn't be. another reason why i love my goal list, because it's about living LIFE, not living money. money is not life, life is life. nature is life. beauty is life. experience is life. i want to experience. be extraordinary. i hope i already am.
i found rainbow colored yarn in my yarn drawer today. i'm knitting something. i love when i don't know what i'm doing. i love how i surprise myself in my knits. i start something and it ends beautifully, and then is enjoyed by someone else. i want to be more than ordinary. i don't know why i do some of the things i do, but i do know this, i want to make a difference in the world. actually, i shouldn't say that. i will make a difference in the world.
so today is valentine's day. i hate to admit that it actually really bothered me this year. i guess i thought i grew out of that feeling of neglect when i don't have a valentine, but i was more than wrong, i was dead wrong. around fourth period it started getting to me. the violin serenades being given out and the chocolates; i guess sometimes i just feel like i should be better than i am, skinnier than i am and nicer than i am... today was definitely one of those days. it's like being alive but dead.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
