5 posts tagged “family”
my thanksgiving was okay. after everyone left it sort of picked up. it was nice to see everyone, but the awkwardness and the insecurities about the room were too prominent to really regard it as a 'great' thanksgiving. everyone was in their own little place, but overall, i guess it's nice to just see everyone and have everyone together. my cousins are all down from college, my aunt and uncle from california came out, my relatives in new york were all over as always and my immediate family was here, mostly. after all the tension and everything was broken, my sister, brother, cousin, cousin's friend and i all played some old school nintendo 64. we played diddy kong racing n64, the original pokemon stadium and mario kart n64. it was so much fun. we were all screaming at each other and played until 1AM. i love nights like that, when everything just seems so happy, fun and right. i didn't rush into black friday today, but i did go to the mall. i bought a dress, sweater and shirt and h&m. it's one of my favorite stores. they didn't have much of a sale, so it wasn't a big rush, but i really like what i got, i hadn't shopped for myself in a long while. i finished christmas shopping already. the day before thanksgiving i was finished with my family. all i have left is my friends. i'm not sure who i'm buying for yet. i know two... everyone else i'm unsure about. anyway, i'm just happy to be done with it. i have a lot of english homework to do this weekend, but i'm sort of procrastinating a bit on everything. maybe i'll do my ap us vocab tonight, just to have it done. i need a boca burger because i feel like my brain wants some protein. i guess i'll leave it at that. i need to get back into the swing of things.
i think too much. it was really sunny today. i decided not to stay after school and just come home. i still haven't called my parents to tell them that, but whatever. i'm listeing to rogue wave and being a mope-y weenie, but i;m actually okay with it. i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm starting to have second thoughts. my etsy sales are picking up and i got a convo this morning for a wholesale inquiry ! i'm madly excited. i've officially decided that listening to chicago x 12 while feeling sad is the greatest medication anywhere. i was probably just about to right a sort of asshole blog entry, but it got fixed by rogue wave's cheerful beats. now it's being followed by badly drawn boy. (: the world seems to know what i need.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- i found this on etsy the other day. kurt vonnegut is seriously, one of my favorite people to ever live. he's my soul mate, we were just born in the wrong decades. someday we'll be together, haha. not for his looks, for his mind. we thought sort of the same. i love his dark humor. i love how his books are so apocalyptic and full of the fall of humanity. it sounds weird, but i guess it's only for those who understand. it's hard for me to find someone i can really talk to about vonnegut's works and such. some people just don't understand my fascination with the apocalypse and the fall of humanity. i guess i wouldn't either if it wasn't me. i don't know, but i love this pin. it's the essence of vonnegut for a high school student.
i really want this shirt ! i love timber ! his art is so amazing and it has such great texture to it. i have yet to buy something from him, but if my wholesale inquiry goes well then i'll probably be buying more than that ! hehe. i'm really excited. if it goes through i won't have to worry about money for a good while, and hopefully i could eventually accumulate enough for my camcorder by next year ! i'm really hoping, hoping, hoping ! hehe. anyway, i love the illustration on this v-neck.
i was going to apply for national honor society, but i'm having doubts on if i'll be able to keep up with everything. i already gave one teacher a recommendation to fill out.. i have two more. other than that, i need a recommendation from some community manager type. i did some community service over the summer but i don't know if they'd fill it out for me, ugh. hehe. i don't know. i've filled out most of the application and noticed that i'm not much of an over-achiever. i've gotten a little lazier this year in terms of extracurriculars, or maybe i was lazy to begin with. i don't know. i'll just have procrastinated recommendations and try to volunteer tomorrow and such. who knows what will happen, but all i learned is, some things mean more than school. i learned it yesterday-ish.
yesterday morning i was talking to my mom. she was upset about some things and needed to vent. in that moment, i became proud of myself as i spoke to her. i've grown so much, and in some way, grown more than my older siblings. being an aspiring filmmaker, i figured out my whole immediate family history. the misconceptions, the wrong turns, the wrong blames. things that haunt and sadden us, as well as things we enjoy to reminisce about. i'm not that into venting about my family or home life. there isn't much to vent about anymore. try me three years ago for it. it's just, i'm so proud i could see things people don't. i can explain the conflicts and inner-workings of my family who was screwed up for so long and i figured out why. i turned a lifelong villain into a friend. i overcame the fact that i felt ignored for so long and made amends with someone i thought i'd hated. i think i've been brave in my decisions and my thoughts. thinking back just makes me love myself a little more. i've achieved something that others in my family have not, and that's love for each of them. in my family it seems as though each of us always have someone we dislike or even hate, but not me. i've grown to love each of them, no matter how they may or may not have hurt me. without knowing the history, you may not be able to see, but if you would've known me then, you could see how far i've come.
<-- burgundy buttons brooch, $3. right here, right now. that's all. i'm in such a vulnerable and angry and sad and confused state. i want to just let it all out and it's going to happen, right here. i'm not holding back anything. i'm writing it all and i don't care who or who doesn't read it. complete strangers or vague acquaintances are what i need right now... more than close friends, more than family, and more than people who think they're my close friends or family but really aren't in my mind. i hold too much inside myself and no matter how much i blog and how much i watch movies or read books, trying to escape from what is supposed to be reality, i just have so much bottled up. it's coming out, like vomit. all this stuff in my brain. then, maybe, i'll feel somewhat stable again. i'm really not right now.
yesterday, i sort of got hit by a metaphorical, five buses, eight fast moving trains and 28 fallen airplanes. i've never had such a blow to the brain. felt so lost and confused without anyone to blame but myself. it's always been someone else's fault. someone else's pain. someone else's sorrow that i just shared. my whole life has been one crazy ride on someone else's train, but still i could feel the pain; but now the pain is mine and for once, i have to deal with it alone. i've been alone for a while now. i've pretty much become anti-social in the past two weeks. i haven't touched to much of anyone, and when i did, it was just vague, pointless conversation. i haven't really been getting out much, but i didn't want to get out. for some reason i wanted to be alone. i didn't want to leave. i just wanted to stay inside and i don't know why. i guess my body prefers solitude for some odd reason. but i've just been living my life hardly, just getting by. walking to the post office sometimes. not even executing any goals i've set. i guess i've been sort of selfish. i've just forgotten everyone just because i've been feeling down. do i have the right to alienate myself? i don't even know anymore.
the story today though, it's about everything, not just me. it's bigger than me. it's a big thing to tackle, and it's life. i don't know exactly how i'm going to tackle it yet, but maybe by the end of this i might have some idea. it's better to get your thoughts on the table before you go for the plunge... and what a plunge it will be.
yesterday was the fourth of july. i had family over, blah, unimportant. we were outside having a barbecue when my grandma brought up that my sister, kelly, had her baby. the thing is, i'd had no idea until just yesterday when this happened already, earlier this week or maybe earlier this month, i don't even know. how did i come to this ignorance? it all started with a trip to peru last year. my cousin was getting married. i didn't go, i went to look at colleges with my sister instead. so at the end of the summer there is all this bitterness and secrets and weird things going on. it seemed like everyone knew something i didn't, and i wanted to know, but at the time i was mixed up in the dumbass world of teenage angst. last year was basically my year to be angsty and selfish and not care about anything besides me and hanging out with my selfish, angsty friends. so in short, i pretty much hated my family. i hated my sister for reasons i don't even remember. i hated my mom because she'd ruined everything that could've been my life and i hated my dad because he ignored me for years and let my mom ruin everything that could've been my life without fighting back. see, my mom is the psycho, my dad is the pushover, which is just as bad as the psycho. and when i say psycho, i'm not kidding. my family does have a wide history of poor mental health, but my mom is the worst because she has these terrible mood swings, she's always paranoid, she has the worst temper i know and the worst part.. she won't get help. she doesn't think she needs it and she doesn't want it. she doesn't want to get better, and that's the worst part. she has a history of abuse, not in her childhood, but ours. i have so many memories of her beating on my oldest sister, my cousin who lived with us and sometimes me and my other sister. she's so unstable, and she got away with her abusive natures until CPS finally came into the picture, but that's another story. point and fact, i don't like my parents that much. my dad is a pushover and my mom is a psycho, but out of this came me, so i guess i can't hate them. it was around the beginning of last year when i found out everything. i think it was the week of my birthday, in november, or maybe before. my sister's friend josh joined media art honor society and then for a while we just talked about her a lot that first day he joined, and since i hated her i didn't really care what i said. but i didn't know that he was a total chatterbox who talks bad about everyone, but also, tells everyone when someone else talked bad about them; so the next day my sister came home all mad at me and i was like, oh well, but then we were in the kitchen eating an after school snack when we lashed out in this big fight and it was terrible. but through that, it all came out. we both noticed, we need to stick together, and she told me about how my oldest sister who had gone to my cousin's wedding in peru had found out that my mom was having an affair and that she was stealing money from us and had been creating a surplus in peru to move there eventually with the guy she was having an affair with [who is a loser, if i might add]. in this, my sister and i decided to put all our differences behind us and become closer than close, and we have been since. the horrible truth about my already horrible mom came out, through my oldest sister, who i hadn't spoken to in a while, and wondered why, but the thing about the truth was that we had to keep our knowledge of it a secret, so if my dad was going to divorce her, we could surprise her with it in the end when she thinks she's getting away with it.
so, my mom knew that my oldest sister knew. she knew that my oldest sister would tell. in turn, she hated my oldest sister and alienated her from everything. even as far to try and tell me that this girl who had raised me in a way even my mother had not, was not my sister. in reality, or in blood i should say, she is my cousin, not my sister. my uncle in peru who had had her sort of by mistake, had died and she had come to the united states and was adopted by my parents to gain citizenship and build a better life here. she is my family and that will never change. i consider her a true part of myself, where i'd shun both my parents. in my mind, my family is my siblings more than anything. they are the people i love more than anything and they are my two sisters and my little brother. but both my sisters are gone now. my oldest sister is out in the real world, and she's married; my other sister is currently in california, going off to college soon. i am now, alone with my little brother. but with my oldest sister's alienation, i kept contact with her until march, when my dad wouldn't let us see her while my mom was away.
the thing with my dad, is beyond being a pushover, he is very paranoid. he thinks of my mom as some sort of a supernatural being almost. he thinks she'll find out everything, but she also gives him pain. she fights with him all the time, and it's so unbearable for the rest of us and him. but he won't leave here because of his paranoia, and it's costing his life. he's wasting it on her; a woman that's never going to be satisfied when he could be sufficiently happy any other way. and i do mean, almost any other way. my oldest sister did tell him about my mom's shenanigans in peru as well, and he was planning on divorcing her [for the millionth time] but you know how pushovers work out...
so i haven't really spoken to my sister since march when my dad wouldn't; let us go see her. she was already pregnant, but i never did stop thinking of her or her baby, and that is not something i take lightly at all. but i did get preoccupied, mostly with school, etsy and trying to better myself. i lost sight of a lot of things and i was just focusing on getting into college and me, me, me, me, me. i lost sight of a lot. april, may and june all went by fairly quickly. during june i hatched this idea that i should walk to the post office every week and send her something, secretly, along with my packages. i was strongly thinking of it and considering it. i was often thinking about what to write and what to do. i was actually going to start doing it next week, because she was due in august. i was thinking skippy and i could make some things. cheer her up and let her know we cared. i even found this onesie on etsy i wanted to get for he, but now it's too late for it. i let her stay alienated and only saw her once throughout the whole pregnancy. i missed it. and that's why i'm feeling like shit. i think the only solution is to just do everything anyway. send things every week like i was going to and just be honest. today is going to be about her, and not me, for once. i guess i do think a sufficient amount about other people, but it's still not enough because i've never been more angry at myself than i am today.
yesterday, i sort of got hit by a metaphorical, five buses, eight fast moving trains and 28 fallen airplanes. i've never had such a blow to the brain. felt so lost and confused without anyone to blame but myself. it's always been someone else's fault. someone else's pain. someone else's sorrow that i just shared. my whole life has been one crazy ride on someone else's train, but still i could feel the pain; but now the pain is mine and for once, i have to deal with it alone. i've been alone for a while now. i've pretty much become anti-social in the past two weeks. i haven't touched to much of anyone, and when i did, it was just vague, pointless conversation. i haven't really been getting out much, but i didn't want to get out. for some reason i wanted to be alone. i didn't want to leave. i just wanted to stay inside and i don't know why. i guess my body prefers solitude for some odd reason. but i've just been living my life hardly, just getting by. walking to the post office sometimes. not even executing any goals i've set. i guess i've been sort of selfish. i've just forgotten everyone just because i've been feeling down. do i have the right to alienate myself? i don't even know anymore.
the story today though, it's about everything, not just me. it's bigger than me. it's a big thing to tackle, and it's life. i don't know exactly how i'm going to tackle it yet, but maybe by the end of this i might have some idea. it's better to get your thoughts on the table before you go for the plunge... and what a plunge it will be.
yesterday was the fourth of july. i had family over, blah, unimportant. we were outside having a barbecue when my grandma brought up that my sister, kelly, had her baby. the thing is, i'd had no idea until just yesterday when this happened already, earlier this week or maybe earlier this month, i don't even know. how did i come to this ignorance? it all started with a trip to peru last year. my cousin was getting married. i didn't go, i went to look at colleges with my sister instead. so at the end of the summer there is all this bitterness and secrets and weird things going on. it seemed like everyone knew something i didn't, and i wanted to know, but at the time i was mixed up in the dumbass world of teenage angst. last year was basically my year to be angsty and selfish and not care about anything besides me and hanging out with my selfish, angsty friends. so in short, i pretty much hated my family. i hated my sister for reasons i don't even remember. i hated my mom because she'd ruined everything that could've been my life and i hated my dad because he ignored me for years and let my mom ruin everything that could've been my life without fighting back. see, my mom is the psycho, my dad is the pushover, which is just as bad as the psycho. and when i say psycho, i'm not kidding. my family does have a wide history of poor mental health, but my mom is the worst because she has these terrible mood swings, she's always paranoid, she has the worst temper i know and the worst part.. she won't get help. she doesn't think she needs it and she doesn't want it. she doesn't want to get better, and that's the worst part. she has a history of abuse, not in her childhood, but ours. i have so many memories of her beating on my oldest sister, my cousin who lived with us and sometimes me and my other sister. she's so unstable, and she got away with her abusive natures until CPS finally came into the picture, but that's another story. point and fact, i don't like my parents that much. my dad is a pushover and my mom is a psycho, but out of this came me, so i guess i can't hate them. it was around the beginning of last year when i found out everything. i think it was the week of my birthday, in november, or maybe before. my sister's friend josh joined media art honor society and then for a while we just talked about her a lot that first day he joined, and since i hated her i didn't really care what i said. but i didn't know that he was a total chatterbox who talks bad about everyone, but also, tells everyone when someone else talked bad about them; so the next day my sister came home all mad at me and i was like, oh well, but then we were in the kitchen eating an after school snack when we lashed out in this big fight and it was terrible. but through that, it all came out. we both noticed, we need to stick together, and she told me about how my oldest sister who had gone to my cousin's wedding in peru had found out that my mom was having an affair and that she was stealing money from us and had been creating a surplus in peru to move there eventually with the guy she was having an affair with [who is a loser, if i might add]. in this, my sister and i decided to put all our differences behind us and become closer than close, and we have been since. the horrible truth about my already horrible mom came out, through my oldest sister, who i hadn't spoken to in a while, and wondered why, but the thing about the truth was that we had to keep our knowledge of it a secret, so if my dad was going to divorce her, we could surprise her with it in the end when she thinks she's getting away with it.
so, my mom knew that my oldest sister knew. she knew that my oldest sister would tell. in turn, she hated my oldest sister and alienated her from everything. even as far to try and tell me that this girl who had raised me in a way even my mother had not, was not my sister. in reality, or in blood i should say, she is my cousin, not my sister. my uncle in peru who had had her sort of by mistake, had died and she had come to the united states and was adopted by my parents to gain citizenship and build a better life here. she is my family and that will never change. i consider her a true part of myself, where i'd shun both my parents. in my mind, my family is my siblings more than anything. they are the people i love more than anything and they are my two sisters and my little brother. but both my sisters are gone now. my oldest sister is out in the real world, and she's married; my other sister is currently in california, going off to college soon. i am now, alone with my little brother. but with my oldest sister's alienation, i kept contact with her until march, when my dad wouldn't let us see her while my mom was away.
the thing with my dad, is beyond being a pushover, he is very paranoid. he thinks of my mom as some sort of a supernatural being almost. he thinks she'll find out everything, but she also gives him pain. she fights with him all the time, and it's so unbearable for the rest of us and him. but he won't leave here because of his paranoia, and it's costing his life. he's wasting it on her; a woman that's never going to be satisfied when he could be sufficiently happy any other way. and i do mean, almost any other way. my oldest sister did tell him about my mom's shenanigans in peru as well, and he was planning on divorcing her [for the millionth time] but you know how pushovers work out...
so i haven't really spoken to my sister since march when my dad wouldn't; let us go see her. she was already pregnant, but i never did stop thinking of her or her baby, and that is not something i take lightly at all. but i did get preoccupied, mostly with school, etsy and trying to better myself. i lost sight of a lot of things and i was just focusing on getting into college and me, me, me, me, me. i lost sight of a lot. april, may and june all went by fairly quickly. during june i hatched this idea that i should walk to the post office every week and send her something, secretly, along with my packages. i was strongly thinking of it and considering it. i was often thinking about what to write and what to do. i was actually going to start doing it next week, because she was due in august. i was thinking skippy and i could make some things. cheer her up and let her know we cared. i even found this onesie on etsy i wanted to get for he, but now it's too late for it. i let her stay alienated and only saw her once throughout the whole pregnancy. i missed it. and that's why i'm feeling like shit. i think the only solution is to just do everything anyway. send things every week like i was going to and just be honest. today is going to be about her, and not me, for once. i guess i do think a sufficient amount about other people, but it's still not enough because i've never been more angry at myself than i am today.
watching 'no country for old men.' i've been dying to see it for a while and now i can see why. it's such an interesting story and an interesting point of view. i love how everything in it is so subtle and how everything is so deep in feeling. the coen brothers do it better than most directors i know of. i love what they do, and they do it flawlessly. i don't think many other directors, besides martin scorsese, capture the criminal mind like the coen brothers. they just add the perfect amount of insanity and sanity to create these characters that are both unforgettable and unforgivable. it's flawless.
today i had a big choice to make, and i picked the wrong choice. my friend wanted me to come to see him in his play, and i didn't go. i'm hoping to go on sunday instead, but the person i was supposed to go with today flaked out, so i decided to be a shitty friend and i feel guilty. i know i'm going to keep feeling guilty if i don't go tomorrow, with someone or not, so yeah, i'm going, or at least i want to. my dad has a family birthday get together tomorrow as well.. hopefully it won't run past 7PM cos i really don't want to disappoint my friend, but this is all so hard.
today i had a big choice to make, and i picked the wrong choice. my friend wanted me to come to see him in his play, and i didn't go. i'm hoping to go on sunday instead, but the person i was supposed to go with today flaked out, so i decided to be a shitty friend and i feel guilty. i know i'm going to keep feeling guilty if i don't go tomorrow, with someone or not, so yeah, i'm going, or at least i want to. my dad has a family birthday get together tomorrow as well.. hopefully it won't run past 7PM cos i really don't want to disappoint my friend, but this is all so hard.
<--white float necklace, $7. just listed in my etsy shop ! i'm updating early today, just cos i know i probably won't be able to do it later. i was expecting a surprise today, i guess i got it already. so yesterday i was pretty much contemplating what i want, like i always do. as always, it leaves me with nothing, even on easter. i guess an i.o.u. from the easter bunny isn't as extreme as an i.o.u. from santa claus, but seeing it made me want to cry, while i pretended it didn't matter. i hate how i can never ever decide what i want. it ruins everything for me. if i could just, decide things, and be sure about things without worrying what bother it might do to people or about the negative effects, maybe i'd be happier? i don't even know anymore. my sister keeps remarking that i'm unhappy and that i make a squidward face constantly. i know i'm unhappy, but how do you get happy? i don't even know what to do to make me happy. i know how to preoccupy myself, but the only times i find myself truly happy, are when i'm not at home and i'm with people i actually care about, like my friends, but even at those times i don't find myself happy at times. sometimes i fear i might need medication. being an addict is really scary to me; being dependent on something or someone really scares me. i don't want it to happen to me. i know that in the end, everyone leaves. everything leaves and you're all alone. i know it happens and i don't want to need something. i don't want to need something to make me happy. i don't want a pill or a person to be my life, but it's inevitable i guess. maybe the fact i always think of the infinite, and the stars and the universe, is what makes me so unhappy. or maybe i'm just naturally bitter.
but right here, right now, i'm unhappy. i got nothing for easter and i'm not even sure what i want. i guess what i'd like to say is that i want my mom to drop the grudge against my oldest sister and let her come and go out of the house as she pleases again so i can see her baby bump whenever i want; but in the world of my mom that won't happen. or maybe i'd like something fuzzy and alive to live in my room and be my pet.. and my new best friend, but that won't happen in the world of my mom either; she'd just make it sleep in the garage. i guess nothing is really a want outside of those. i don't really care about a sewing machine or a bike much, or a camera lens for that matter. i need a friend who won't leave, or will just get me out of where i stand. i'm afraid of being alone this year cos i know my sister is leaving for college. i need her though. i need her to stay, but i can't tell her that because i want too much for her to be happy. i need something to live with me here, or to spend time with someone i really want, when i want. i don't want a boyfriend, i really could care less about that type of crap right now, but i want a sister again, or just a pet i can have. my little brother hasn't grown up yet, he needs me, but i don't feel like i need him. i need something to lean on who leans on me too. i can't lean on him, he leans on me too much, to lean on him would be to make him fall.
i guess easter shouldn't be a holiday for gifts anyway, even if it is tradition in my family. i know i've written a lot today. i probably will can the i.o.u. and just try to forget, just like i try to forget about everything else i screw up. i've screwed it up with so many people just cos i'm always undecided. i'm tired of it, but i know i won't be able to make up my mind about that either. my mind is never made up, and it never will be while i'm trapped in this house, that really isn't a home.
well, happy easter everyone ! and happy spring !
but right here, right now, i'm unhappy. i got nothing for easter and i'm not even sure what i want. i guess what i'd like to say is that i want my mom to drop the grudge against my oldest sister and let her come and go out of the house as she pleases again so i can see her baby bump whenever i want; but in the world of my mom that won't happen. or maybe i'd like something fuzzy and alive to live in my room and be my pet.. and my new best friend, but that won't happen in the world of my mom either; she'd just make it sleep in the garage. i guess nothing is really a want outside of those. i don't really care about a sewing machine or a bike much, or a camera lens for that matter. i need a friend who won't leave, or will just get me out of where i stand. i'm afraid of being alone this year cos i know my sister is leaving for college. i need her though. i need her to stay, but i can't tell her that because i want too much for her to be happy. i need something to live with me here, or to spend time with someone i really want, when i want. i don't want a boyfriend, i really could care less about that type of crap right now, but i want a sister again, or just a pet i can have. my little brother hasn't grown up yet, he needs me, but i don't feel like i need him. i need something to lean on who leans on me too. i can't lean on him, he leans on me too much, to lean on him would be to make him fall.
i guess easter shouldn't be a holiday for gifts anyway, even if it is tradition in my family. i know i've written a lot today. i probably will can the i.o.u. and just try to forget, just like i try to forget about everything else i screw up. i've screwed it up with so many people just cos i'm always undecided. i'm tired of it, but i know i won't be able to make up my mind about that either. my mind is never made up, and it never will be while i'm trapped in this house, that really isn't a home.
well, happy easter everyone ! and happy spring !
