5 posts tagged “eternal sunshine”
i need to regain focus. i've been in this apathetic mood for the past few weeks and i'm getting fed up with my lack of motivation. my priorities completely changed and it's not like i'm getting bad grades, it's just my mind is constantly in a different place and on particular people. i don't want to get swept away too fast and i've been trying really hard to slow myself down in terms of my feelings. i tend to fall fast, hard and get completely swept away, really fast. i hate that about myself sometimes. i don't want to get my heart broken over and over again. i know i tend to not be too empathetic with some other people, but i always want a safety net. sometimes i'm empathetic just because i usually have a lot on my mind. i know i should care more. i expect people to care how i feel and a lot of the time i ignore the feelings of others. i feel bad now. anyway, i just don't want to get hurt too bad. it's to the point where if i don't see him i feel sad. if i just saw him and got to speak to him at least once a day, i think i'd be fine. he is just my favorite person to talk to. everytime we talk i learn something new about him and usually i just like him even more. at times i feel like i'd be so much better if he could just always be in my life. someone i can relate to and share feelings with that makes me feel so warm inside. i don't know if i've ever felt so strongly towards anyone else... maybe once or twice. it's just like, the fact that i'm unsure of his feelings thus far, kills me. i think everyone is aware of my feelings. i feel like i'm coming onto him too much, now that i think about it. everyone who has ever seen me speaking with him, immediately knows i like him. when we first spoke, i instantly liked him. i wasn't expecting him to share so much interest with me. i feel tempted to say that i'm in love with him... but my fears of commitment and dependency are too large, as well as my fear of being hurt. i know i'm probably not the prettiest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the nicest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the most deserving girl in the world, but i think it's evident i try hard and i don't know. ugh, i ramble on about this every time i come here. i'm so tempted to just say this all to him, but i'm so scared at the same time. it's starting to upset me, how far i've been sucked into this. i need a distraction, but i get reminded of him over such small things. hahaha. now i'm feeling silly. anyway, i guess i'll watch a movie and be done with all this. i want it to be tomorrow already, so i can get eternal sunshine back and watch it 24/7.
i'm listening to devendra banhart. he's a genius of course, but i felt like i needed him more in my iTunes library. i can't believe how much mates of state i listened to last week ! i checked my lastfm and it was like, all mates of state-y ! the past two days i've been obsessively nonstop watching eternal sunshine precisely at 7PM. it made me think about writing in a journal, like joel, just cos you have the ability to be completely private and forget what you want forgotten. i'm not sure where this blog will go, but i'm not sure if having a written journal is any better, besides the fact i can doodle.
today was my first day working with my ap conference group in a few months. they showed me the powerpoint they made, and to be honest, i was unhappy with it. when i stayed after school today all i did was tediously work on that slideshow. it bothered me. i don't want it to make the wrong impression, but at the same time, i felt like an ass. i drove one partner out by just attacking her for plagiarism, but now i'm pretty much attacking this group for making an ugly powerpoint. i don't know if it's just that i suck at working in groups or just suck with people in general. whether i'm right or wrong, i'm going to run it by my partners first. i need to work on being considerate. but it does sound like i'm trying... right?
<-- key ball chain, $1.25. destashin' available at my etsy shop ! today was just so tranquil, and i loved it. i just felt like problems from yesterday should remain in yesterday, and they did. i think watching eternal sunshine last night really gave me more peace of mind. i think that film and i have a spiritual connection of sorts; it never ceases to make me incredibly happy and carefree. i think i should marry michel gondry ! haha, although he is too old for me, that film is just like, my sanctuary ! good times, bad times. i wish i would've watched it the night before the ap test. i could've used the extra strength, maybe. but sometime soon i'd like to really stop dwelling in the past. what's done is done with that ap test and i'm tired of it dwelling in my mind what i could've done. i did the best i can, i did the best i can. the biggest reward was the whole class itself, and i learned so much i wouldn't have known otherwise. i'm so much more cultured, i know about world religions. i could converse with muslims about islam and hindus about hinduism. i could converse with buddhists about buddhism and with zoroastrianists about zoroastrianism. everything i've gained outweighs the test itself. i need to think of that more often.
today is the american idol finale. david vs. david and i still can't decide who should win. i like cook better but i think arch would make a better idol. i don't know, i don't want to suck up more than four sentences on this but i really think archuletta should win. cook is an established artist who could get a greater record deal elsewhere. the end.
everything just went incredibly well today. i'm still kind of eh about what i'm wearing to ap conference. i need to be sure soon. it's so close and i'm so excited to present ! i've been working so hard on it, and it's just so exciting. i can't wait for it to be next week and for there to be only two real school days for me ! (:
today is the american idol finale. david vs. david and i still can't decide who should win. i like cook better but i think arch would make a better idol. i don't know, i don't want to suck up more than four sentences on this but i really think archuletta should win. cook is an established artist who could get a greater record deal elsewhere. the end.
everything just went incredibly well today. i'm still kind of eh about what i'm wearing to ap conference. i need to be sure soon. it's so close and i'm so excited to present ! i've been working so hard on it, and it's just so exciting. i can't wait for it to be next week and for there to be only two real school days for me ! (:
first day of break and already i'm feeling really plain and uninspired. i feel like everything is in need of a lift and everything needs to change somehow. i don't really like how things are going right now, to be honest. i thought everything would seem more worthwhile than they have been as of late. i need something more than this. with my days of veganism soon coming to an end, the time to act on a new goal is soon approaching. i remember that first week of being vegan, feeling as if anything was possible. feeling like i'd conquered something deep inside myself. i think it's high time that i do something even more extreme. i feel i might have found some formerly unknown strength somewhere through being vegan, but i know i can't remain vegan while i'm still living at home, it'd just cause more problems in my already complicated life, sadly. and i do miss my best friend milk, dearly. but i do love the fact that it has, indeed, opened me up to new foods and has shown me that i am capable of that openness.
i feel so much like watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but not on a LOST night. maybe tomorrow night. i got 'once' from the library, but i haven't watched it yet. i think i'll wait to watch it with a friend of mine. i'm so afraid to be disappointed by it. its cover says it's supposed to be fantastic, but i'm so afraid of being disappointed. i've been dying to see it for so long now, i don't know what i'd do if i was to be disappointed. it'd just be sad to me, i suppose.
and in the midst of all these strange things, i've also found that i've been dreaming every night, and remembering them. it's strange because they're usually never consecutive. i wonder why. it never ceases to amaze me i guess. how dreams can just, well, you know, take hold. they just confuse me more and more.
i feel so much like watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, but not on a LOST night. maybe tomorrow night. i got 'once' from the library, but i haven't watched it yet. i think i'll wait to watch it with a friend of mine. i'm so afraid to be disappointed by it. its cover says it's supposed to be fantastic, but i'm so afraid of being disappointed. i've been dying to see it for so long now, i don't know what i'd do if i was to be disappointed. it'd just be sad to me, i suppose.
and in the midst of all these strange things, i've also found that i've been dreaming every night, and remembering them. it's strange because they're usually never consecutive. i wonder why. it never ceases to amaze me i guess. how dreams can just, well, you know, take hold. they just confuse me more and more.
so today is valentine's day. i hate to admit that it actually really bothered me this year. i guess i thought i grew out of that feeling of neglect when i don't have a valentine, but i was more than wrong, i was dead wrong. around fourth period it started getting to me. the violin serenades being given out and the chocolates; i guess sometimes i just feel like i should be better than i am, skinnier than i am and nicer than i am... today was definitely one of those days. it's like being alive but dead.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
i wanted so much to have it all end. say fuck you to valentine's day and just go on. sadly its never that easy. sadly nothing is ever easy. sadly, i feel so extremely empty inside and i don't know what to do about it.
i'm probably going to watch eternal sunshine later. my favorite film of all time and takes place on valentine's day. since i have no valentine, i can safely say, i agree with joel barish when he calls valentine's day 'a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap,' but sadly since i'm only fifteen, i can't escape to montauk impulsively as he did, as much as i'd like to at this moment. go out there and meet my joel barish or male version of clementine.
but alas, valentine's day continues. a day to celebrate love you have or mourn the love you lack. i guess since i always screw things up with anyone i like it bothers me a lot more than it should. i always feel like i mess everything up and it sucks a lot, but there's nothing else i can do. this is the one day a year where it actually completely bothers me that i'm single. i do like it better being single, if i compare it to past relationships, but i guess i never do go out with people i actually like cos i always screw it up with those people first, before anything can happen. because of this, i've pretty much stopped expressing those feelings to people. if someone took an interest in me, i guess they'd tell me. i'm just so tired of being so brave.
oh how i wish i could be going to the rufus wainwright show tonight... spend valentine's day listening to his beautiful lyrics and voice. he may not be the best looking man in the world, but he's currently my second favorite solo artist. only second to my love, landon pigg. i wish landon pigg could be my valentine, but all i have is LOST to look forward to.
