2 posts tagged “crush”

long day. too long. too much room for thought, and then i overthink everything. especially what matters.

i started twilight, hardcore, today. i wasn't expecting to be as addicted as i'm growing. i guess now i understand the edward cullen hype. i guess anyone would love to fall in love with someone who was their absolute ideal in looks, combined with someone who would love them unconditionally to the extent that they would overcome so much and love them so much as to not only step out of their comfort zone, but to want to pretty much defy who they are. i've heard people make fun of other people for falling in love with a fictional character like edward cullen, but last year i fell in love with alex from a clockwork orange, i can't really talk. haha. don't ask why, i have strange taste. but anyway, i like it more than i though it would and i'm already almost 200 pages in. everyone is right when they say that you read it fast. i started reading slaughterhouse five last night also. i suck with books, honestly. i just have too many interests, and then i don't read fast enough. there is so much i want to read. right now i'm reading twilight, slaughterhouse five, watchmen and the crucible. probably tomorrow i'll be starting a different book. i'm an ass.


anyway, i'm going to be honest right now and truly vent something sort of embarrassing but maybe slightly sweet. i've written before about how i have crushes and such, but today i sort of went a little out of my normal self. i was talking to this guy i like about books and stuff. we read the same things, except he finishes them, haha. we watch the same movies and that kind of thing. i haven't really met anyone who intrigued me to this degree in a while. he makes me want to read what i haven't read and watch what i haven't seen. maybe it's that he has more free time than me or just reads faster, i don't know, but i'm just finding myself liking him. while we were talking, he was telling me which books he was going to read next, and i hadn't heard of either of them. being the ass i am, i want him to think i'm smarter than i am and i looked them up, hehe. it sort of makes me feel dumb when he reads so much more than i do, but what i want is someone who can have appreciation for things other people write, and who i'll be able to actually have a conversation with about things that matter. i guess i'm stupid for pretending i know something i don't, but it's just a stupid thing i did. you don't meet someone as fanatical about kurt vonnegut as you everyday. i don't know if i'm a bad person for it or if i'm just human. he reads nietzsche too. how often do you meet someone in high school who reads the same philiosophers you do? i'm just inspired and intrigued by him, i don't know. it's what i need. i need to read so i can get ahead and become better at writing and comprehending so when it comes time for filming, i'll be set. am i wrong?

today was so confusing. i felt like such a teenager. i'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing but i just felt so immature worrying about things that are so... i don't know, childish? or maybe just impulsive? or maybe just... normal? i don't like it. i didn't like it. i didn't like the idea of someone possibly just taking over my brain because i have that type of infatuation. i don't like the idea of someone taking over my mind, being all i can think about, seeping into my dreams and thoughts and movements and limbs. my decisions, my courage, my dignity. just, sometimes. just, sometimes, i feel human and not as if there is a world outside of my mind. i feel like the important thing is here and now and between us and with him and it just overwhelms me. i just don't know what to do or what to say or how to act. i feel like i always mess things up; like i puke all over myself spiritually or something. it sounds gross i guess, to use that metaphor i mean, but vomit stopped grossing me out when jade issacs puked all over me in first grade, since i got invited to all her birthday parties after that. but anyway, i just hate when something feels so right, but so wrong at the same time. what i'm feeling now seems totally out of my control. it's been a recurring thought all year, confusing me and coming in one side of my head and out the next. driving me insane, into insanity, into despair and craziness. sometimes i want it to stay. i fantasize about what to do, how to act, how to speak, what to say. and then when the time comes i just don't say anything. i feel like i already fucked it up by being myself; by being who i am and not caring what the consequence would be. i'm not sure what his feelings are completely. i feel like he has something towards me but what it is i don't know. maybe i'm just assuming to make myself feel more secure and complete because there's that empty space i want him to fill in my life. that empty space that wants him there. i just don't know if it's completely what i desire at this point. i guess at some points i feel like maybe he's below me in some ways. he has this demeanor that sort of, throws you under the bus, so to speak. it's like this collected, fake confident and yet, aesthetic demeanor that attracts me. he's not the best looking, but he's the most well- spoken, forceful, charming and ideal person i've met in a while, that i haven't completely fucked it up with. we're so similar in interest, but i just don't know if it could ever amount to anything. and that is the end of my teenage rant.