6 posts tagged “college”
i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.
today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.
while sulking in my negativity, misery and woe, i woke up this morning with two sales ! it seems the home that took in squilliam and lewie squee has returned for more. i love college students. this one in particular is actually my sister's roommate in college at BYU in provo, utah. i have to say, i couldn't have woken up better... unless it was with an oscar win or by charlie kaufman asking me to direct a film he has written.
<-- this is the customer appreciation photo. it's adorable, is it not? i'm just so overcome with happiness when i see things i've made being enjoyed in a new home. it's like making a film that made someone happy. haha. now i have to go to the craft store and stock up on supplies and shipping materials ! yum. i'm so psyched.
other then that, it's been a slow weekend. i'm listening to the 'once' soundtrack and just chilling out. i'm spending tomorrow in new york city going to touristy places and probably taking hundreds of pictures. i need to buy flickr pro really bad.
<-- this is the customer appreciation photo. it's adorable, is it not? i'm just so overcome with happiness when i see things i've made being enjoyed in a new home. it's like making a film that made someone happy. haha. now i have to go to the craft store and stock up on supplies and shipping materials ! yum. i'm so psyched.
other then that, it's been a slow weekend. i'm listening to the 'once' soundtrack and just chilling out. i'm spending tomorrow in new york city going to touristy places and probably taking hundreds of pictures. i need to buy flickr pro really bad.
<-- ralfff squee, $5. available in my etsy shop. i know i'm supposed to be away today, but things got mixed up and film camp starts tomorrow instead, so i'm in your life for another day more before i take a six day hiatus ! hooray? not really i guess.
i have a film planned out, and i've had it in my mind for about a week. once i thought of it, it just sort of hit me as something i have to do. it's something personal, and something i can't really ignore, but it doesn't end positively, which bothers me. i guess i'll lay it out here, but all rights are reserved to me ! so don't try to steal it just because i like to think here please ! chances are it might not even be that great anyway, but before i begin, i just want to put all the cards on the table, so to speak. even though this is the most minimal camp the new york film academy offers, it might be my deciding factor for the future. summer is almost over, i'm getting older. i want to apply to colleges with wisdom, pride and assurance in my heart. i don't want to make a mistake and apply somewhere i won't be happy in. if i end up finding that film is still who i am, i most definitely won't stop, but if i find that other roads and avenues are calling me, i just might have to break this, but i want to know. living with a lifelong regret of not pursuing my dream is one of my worst fears, but as of right now, i haven't even figured out what my dream is.
every time i hear a song, read a book, hear someone say something i like, i think of it being to film. my mind is in film mode. things inspire me and i just go right there. it's my outlet, and i suppose that's what it should be.
so my idea is, basically, thank you notes. it's on my goals list and one night, while watching american beauty, i thought of a sort of dismal thought. a sort of, thought that expands and grows on me. a short film, about a girl and her once best friend. it starts out as her writing a light-hearted thank you note, thanking her for the experiences they shared and for always being such a great friend. she'd speak in the past tense like, 'we'd have so much fun together. we'd laugh about everything and make all the big problems seem so little. thank you for being such a great friend to me.' but then the note would take a sour turn, with something along the lines of, 'i thought we'd always be friends, until you left when i needed you the most.' this is personal to me. i think it's personal to anyone. a good friend that leaves, a hard time you can't handle alone, and people who can't take you at your worst, so in the words of marilyn monroe, don't deserve you at your best. throughout the beginning, there would be random flashes, and experimentation with time. sped up sometimes, but with flashes of the times with the friend. so basically, you would see glimpses of them together. but when it takes a turn for the worse, it would turn into aggression, and pretty much all the insanity would open up and then i'd mix in sorts of reds and blacks, a darker tone with a darker turn to the music and the overall film. then she would end off the letter, with a sort of thank you for helping me in shaping me into the stronger, smarter, better person i am today. and then she would take the letter, put it in the envelope and things would return to normalcy. in this moment, she walks out the door, is in front of the mailbox [i imagined it as one of those moderately sized blue ones you find in the city or near the post office. she'd stare at the envelope for a few seconds, open the door of the mailbox, and not go through with it. she would then return to her room and take out a box. she'd stick the letter in that box. the camera would close up to the inside of the box of... envelopes. it would then zoom out to see the girl sitting or laying in shame. she'd written numerous letters, but had not had the strength to send any. i want this to capture the hopelessness and the feelings we can't seem to leave behind. in some ways, it would help me reconcile and release the hopelessness i feel at times. i want to let it go, and maybe this will help me, as well as other people. this is the film i want to make, and i think it would be around three minutes long, because i think that's our maximum, but anyway, if you're willing to read this long thought, leave me some feedback. it'd be most appreciated. idea, copyright jamieleto, all rights reserved. :)
i have a film planned out, and i've had it in my mind for about a week. once i thought of it, it just sort of hit me as something i have to do. it's something personal, and something i can't really ignore, but it doesn't end positively, which bothers me. i guess i'll lay it out here, but all rights are reserved to me ! so don't try to steal it just because i like to think here please ! chances are it might not even be that great anyway, but before i begin, i just want to put all the cards on the table, so to speak. even though this is the most minimal camp the new york film academy offers, it might be my deciding factor for the future. summer is almost over, i'm getting older. i want to apply to colleges with wisdom, pride and assurance in my heart. i don't want to make a mistake and apply somewhere i won't be happy in. if i end up finding that film is still who i am, i most definitely won't stop, but if i find that other roads and avenues are calling me, i just might have to break this, but i want to know. living with a lifelong regret of not pursuing my dream is one of my worst fears, but as of right now, i haven't even figured out what my dream is.
every time i hear a song, read a book, hear someone say something i like, i think of it being to film. my mind is in film mode. things inspire me and i just go right there. it's my outlet, and i suppose that's what it should be.
so my idea is, basically, thank you notes. it's on my goals list and one night, while watching american beauty, i thought of a sort of dismal thought. a sort of, thought that expands and grows on me. a short film, about a girl and her once best friend. it starts out as her writing a light-hearted thank you note, thanking her for the experiences they shared and for always being such a great friend. she'd speak in the past tense like, 'we'd have so much fun together. we'd laugh about everything and make all the big problems seem so little. thank you for being such a great friend to me.' but then the note would take a sour turn, with something along the lines of, 'i thought we'd always be friends, until you left when i needed you the most.' this is personal to me. i think it's personal to anyone. a good friend that leaves, a hard time you can't handle alone, and people who can't take you at your worst, so in the words of marilyn monroe, don't deserve you at your best. throughout the beginning, there would be random flashes, and experimentation with time. sped up sometimes, but with flashes of the times with the friend. so basically, you would see glimpses of them together. but when it takes a turn for the worse, it would turn into aggression, and pretty much all the insanity would open up and then i'd mix in sorts of reds and blacks, a darker tone with a darker turn to the music and the overall film. then she would end off the letter, with a sort of thank you for helping me in shaping me into the stronger, smarter, better person i am today. and then she would take the letter, put it in the envelope and things would return to normalcy. in this moment, she walks out the door, is in front of the mailbox [i imagined it as one of those moderately sized blue ones you find in the city or near the post office. she'd stare at the envelope for a few seconds, open the door of the mailbox, and not go through with it. she would then return to her room and take out a box. she'd stick the letter in that box. the camera would close up to the inside of the box of... envelopes. it would then zoom out to see the girl sitting or laying in shame. she'd written numerous letters, but had not had the strength to send any. i want this to capture the hopelessness and the feelings we can't seem to leave behind. in some ways, it would help me reconcile and release the hopelessness i feel at times. i want to let it go, and maybe this will help me, as well as other people. this is the film i want to make, and i think it would be around three minutes long, because i think that's our maximum, but anyway, if you're willing to read this long thought, leave me some feedback. it'd be most appreciated. idea, copyright jamieleto, all rights reserved. :)
<-- beaming echarpe, $9. i'm going to have a really short entry today, because i'm going to go see WALL-E soon, hopefully. today was a friend's going away party, and my mom made me more than an hour late. it was really upsetting, because i was just thinking, what if this is one of the last times i would ever see him? not that he's anything more than just a friend, but what if this is the last time i'd see him? what if he never comes to visit or something bad happens to him? do i really want his last memory of me to be that person who didn't show up to his graduation party and didn't care? i know i couldn't live with that, but then, i guess i never really thought of anything that way, really. my whole life is like that. there are always hellos and goodbyes, but sometimes there are negative goodbyes, and death doesn't wait for anything or anyone. who knows how many mistakes i've made, but none of them mean anything because i'm unaware of them, but i think i should make more of an effort to try to say goodbye with positivity, and make sure whenever someone walks away from me, there is no negative feelings unless i have a perfectly justified reason. you can't make everyone happy, and i've learned that, but the people that mean the most should at least feel that meaning and love.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
daily life. it goes "do you remember not long ago when we used to live for the nighttime? cherish each moment? now we don't live, we exist, we just run for our lives. so alone.' this verse really changed my point of view a lot. there is a difference between living and existing. anything can exist, but to live, is to experience. not just sit around and be lazy and afraid, doing something. and now that i saw that film, and was moved by it, i want to move my lazy ass a lot more than i have been, as of late. i need to get out more, even though i do get out a lot, i need more. i like the moments and the movies that change your life. it can give us all hope that one person could very well, change the world.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
my sister left today. it hasn't hit me yet at all. i guess at moments i noticed, but ultimately, it has made not much difference to me, yet. i don't think it will much until school time comes around again and then i don't have someone to wait at the bus stop with or make fun of weirdies with. it's so weird what can happen in a year. i went from completely despising her to becoming so close with her. i don't know what my summer will consist of much right now. i'm sort of in shock i guess, and at a loss for everything. but i want this to be positive. i want to spend more time on myself and bettering that. i was just reading an article on the etsy storque and now i'm sort of thinking about making a semi- video blog type thing. not a blog though, just like, a channel. but i don't want it to be typical. i'm sure everyone is as tired as i am of seeing the dumb ass who sits in front of their computer making faces or whatever they do and constantly cutting themselves off and editing stupidly. stupid short-cut editing doesn't make you that great, but i want to make some type of a unique and fun youtube channel that people will actually not be bored watching and not have to just listen to me talk for hours. i guess for the next few days i'll be compiling ideas of everything i want to do this summer and this is one, i suppose. but this is one of my optional ones, since i have so many other goals.
so far i have a few goals in mind: exercise daily, youtube/vimeo channel, 100 etsy sales, kiva section of my etsy shop & watch all of lost over again. exercise daily is key. it seems like as long as i procrastinate it, the more i go insane with negativity. my pool is open, no one is home, i have no real summer job, i have no excuse. the youtube or vimeo channel i create, will be completely optional. i don't want it to be too serious or too extreme. i don't want to end up like a lot of kids around where i live with their weird and pointless youtube channels. i'd point out names, but if they end up google-ing themselves then they'll find out i was dissing them. oh well, there are tons of headstrong teenagers that have their own pointless channels. no one needs examples. the 100 etsy sales is my major goal. since i'm without a summer job and lost my camcorder i need to save up for a new camcorder and also establish myself as a serious etsy seller. i'll hopefully be posting everyday and then comes the next goal. next year, my friend and i are starting a club, completely fundraising based. it's going to be based on kiva.org; a great website that allows people all over the world to give and receive loans. the receivers are people who are less fortunate who are trying to start their own businesses but need a little boost. (: when they are successful, they'll pay it back, so it's like a cycle. the basis of our club is to fundraise and then just keep distributing it out and helping tons of people ! so, this summer, i'm going to make a section of my shop that will have all proceeds going to our kiva club. i'll hopefully be posting one item a week in that section. besides that, the lost thing is self-explanitory. (: hehe. hopefully it'll be a great summer !
so far i have a few goals in mind: exercise daily, youtube/vimeo channel, 100 etsy sales, kiva section of my etsy shop & watch all of lost over again. exercise daily is key. it seems like as long as i procrastinate it, the more i go insane with negativity. my pool is open, no one is home, i have no real summer job, i have no excuse. the youtube or vimeo channel i create, will be completely optional. i don't want it to be too serious or too extreme. i don't want to end up like a lot of kids around where i live with their weird and pointless youtube channels. i'd point out names, but if they end up google-ing themselves then they'll find out i was dissing them. oh well, there are tons of headstrong teenagers that have their own pointless channels. no one needs examples. the 100 etsy sales is my major goal. since i'm without a summer job and lost my camcorder i need to save up for a new camcorder and also establish myself as a serious etsy seller. i'll hopefully be posting everyday and then comes the next goal. next year, my friend and i are starting a club, completely fundraising based. it's going to be based on kiva.org; a great website that allows people all over the world to give and receive loans. the receivers are people who are less fortunate who are trying to start their own businesses but need a little boost. (: when they are successful, they'll pay it back, so it's like a cycle. the basis of our club is to fundraise and then just keep distributing it out and helping tons of people ! so, this summer, i'm going to make a section of my shop that will have all proceeds going to our kiva club. i'll hopefully be posting one item a week in that section. besides that, the lost thing is self-explanitory. (: hehe. hopefully it'll be a great summer !
<--white float necklace, $7. just listed in my etsy shop ! i'm updating early today, just cos i know i probably won't be able to do it later. i was expecting a surprise today, i guess i got it already. so yesterday i was pretty much contemplating what i want, like i always do. as always, it leaves me with nothing, even on easter. i guess an i.o.u. from the easter bunny isn't as extreme as an i.o.u. from santa claus, but seeing it made me want to cry, while i pretended it didn't matter. i hate how i can never ever decide what i want. it ruins everything for me. if i could just, decide things, and be sure about things without worrying what bother it might do to people or about the negative effects, maybe i'd be happier? i don't even know anymore. my sister keeps remarking that i'm unhappy and that i make a squidward face constantly. i know i'm unhappy, but how do you get happy? i don't even know what to do to make me happy. i know how to preoccupy myself, but the only times i find myself truly happy, are when i'm not at home and i'm with people i actually care about, like my friends, but even at those times i don't find myself happy at times. sometimes i fear i might need medication. being an addict is really scary to me; being dependent on something or someone really scares me. i don't want it to happen to me. i know that in the end, everyone leaves. everything leaves and you're all alone. i know it happens and i don't want to need something. i don't want to need something to make me happy. i don't want a pill or a person to be my life, but it's inevitable i guess. maybe the fact i always think of the infinite, and the stars and the universe, is what makes me so unhappy. or maybe i'm just naturally bitter.
but right here, right now, i'm unhappy. i got nothing for easter and i'm not even sure what i want. i guess what i'd like to say is that i want my mom to drop the grudge against my oldest sister and let her come and go out of the house as she pleases again so i can see her baby bump whenever i want; but in the world of my mom that won't happen. or maybe i'd like something fuzzy and alive to live in my room and be my pet.. and my new best friend, but that won't happen in the world of my mom either; she'd just make it sleep in the garage. i guess nothing is really a want outside of those. i don't really care about a sewing machine or a bike much, or a camera lens for that matter. i need a friend who won't leave, or will just get me out of where i stand. i'm afraid of being alone this year cos i know my sister is leaving for college. i need her though. i need her to stay, but i can't tell her that because i want too much for her to be happy. i need something to live with me here, or to spend time with someone i really want, when i want. i don't want a boyfriend, i really could care less about that type of crap right now, but i want a sister again, or just a pet i can have. my little brother hasn't grown up yet, he needs me, but i don't feel like i need him. i need something to lean on who leans on me too. i can't lean on him, he leans on me too much, to lean on him would be to make him fall.
i guess easter shouldn't be a holiday for gifts anyway, even if it is tradition in my family. i know i've written a lot today. i probably will can the i.o.u. and just try to forget, just like i try to forget about everything else i screw up. i've screwed it up with so many people just cos i'm always undecided. i'm tired of it, but i know i won't be able to make up my mind about that either. my mind is never made up, and it never will be while i'm trapped in this house, that really isn't a home.
well, happy easter everyone ! and happy spring !
but right here, right now, i'm unhappy. i got nothing for easter and i'm not even sure what i want. i guess what i'd like to say is that i want my mom to drop the grudge against my oldest sister and let her come and go out of the house as she pleases again so i can see her baby bump whenever i want; but in the world of my mom that won't happen. or maybe i'd like something fuzzy and alive to live in my room and be my pet.. and my new best friend, but that won't happen in the world of my mom either; she'd just make it sleep in the garage. i guess nothing is really a want outside of those. i don't really care about a sewing machine or a bike much, or a camera lens for that matter. i need a friend who won't leave, or will just get me out of where i stand. i'm afraid of being alone this year cos i know my sister is leaving for college. i need her though. i need her to stay, but i can't tell her that because i want too much for her to be happy. i need something to live with me here, or to spend time with someone i really want, when i want. i don't want a boyfriend, i really could care less about that type of crap right now, but i want a sister again, or just a pet i can have. my little brother hasn't grown up yet, he needs me, but i don't feel like i need him. i need something to lean on who leans on me too. i can't lean on him, he leans on me too much, to lean on him would be to make him fall.
i guess easter shouldn't be a holiday for gifts anyway, even if it is tradition in my family. i know i've written a lot today. i probably will can the i.o.u. and just try to forget, just like i try to forget about everything else i screw up. i've screwed it up with so many people just cos i'm always undecided. i'm tired of it, but i know i won't be able to make up my mind about that either. my mind is never made up, and it never will be while i'm trapped in this house, that really isn't a home.
well, happy easter everyone ! and happy spring !
