you can have it all
i feel myself sinking. i'm just so upset with myself right now. what have i done? today, well, this afternoon, i just want it to go away. what did i do? what have i become? honestly, what has all this school stress done to me? what have i let it do?
today, when my mom got home, i was in the middle of paris je t'aime. i was just innocently watching it, trying to relax. she knows the weight i've fallen under. when she got home, i just said hi like any other day. i went upstairs to speak with her, talking to her about trivial shit. the average shit you talk to your mom about, i suppose. i was telling her about how my sister had bought me netflix for my birthday and how we were sharing it. she started to try and make me feel guilty, telling me that my sister had no job and shouldn't be buying me netflix. i wanted so bad to contradict her statement, which i knew to be untrue, but of course i couldn't because i told my sister i wouldn't tell her about her job. she doesn't want my mom to know she's working while in college. anyway, so my mom was there, trying to make me feel guilty. after yesterday especially, i can't stand the staggering aggravation. i just told her to stop and walked away. she was trying to make me feel guilty for a present my sister wanted to give me for my birthday. that's all i need now, hm? guilt.
i returned to watch more of paris je t'aime. i had just finished walter salles' segment, and had the lullaby the girl sang in it stuck in my head. i just want to relax and be alone, but she started telling me to do my homework. when i told her i didn't have much, she backed off. later on, she comes back while she's on the phone with my dad, telling him that i'll help him and that i'll help her too with trivial shit around the house. i'm usually not this irritable, but i'm in the aftermath of a stressful as fuck week, i didn't even really know what i'm capable of. hearing her say this, trying to pack more on top of me when i'm trying to relax for two fucking hours and just watch this movie, i just couldn't take it. i just told her to shut up and i left the room. she came after me. then she stood in my doorway telling me she didn't recognize me. this is obviously, all i need in the midst of my stress. she stood there spitting out negative all 'i don't know you' type gibberish to me while i told her to please leave, please leave, please leave. and let me give you a bit of history before you think poorly of me, even though i'm thinking quite poorly of myself.
as a tween (yes, tween) i had this sort of dark spot on my life. it was that stage in your life where you get all fucked up basically, and my temper was up the wall. at that point, my mom was verbally and at times, physically abusive. around that time, i was royally fucked and sometimes i'd actually fight back when she would anger me. i learned from the best i suppose. my temper was terrible, and i even went to some lowlife tween anger management program. i couldn't control myself, and i struggled for a while trying to set myself straight.
when she was spitting all this gibberish at me, i just didn't want to handle it. honestly, i was really close to just breaking out and throwing my stereo at her. i seriously thought about it. it went through my mind and it upset me because then it just made me think about how i used to be and made me wonder if i'd come all this way for nothing. am i back where i started? an asshole who doesn't give a shit. a punk-goth kid who cut herself. a dumbass who just needed an extra ounce of attention that she couldn't get. i spent so many years fucked up and now i'm back there? i just hysterically cried and tried to tune her out. her saying she needs to bring me to a shrink was the fucking icing on the cake. i just, i just couldn't take it, honestly. i told her to leave. i told her to please leave. it took everything in me to keep myself in control, after i was about to make a mistake. she wouldn't listen to me and i was trying so hard. i just want things to calm down, but i know they won't. thank goodness she finally left, and i contemplated cutting myself, which i haven't done in years. then i thought, i'm not a dumbass and i don't feel bad enough to want to do it. then a song played in my head that i hadn't heard in so long. nine inch nails' cover of johnny cash's "hurt." it was once my favorite song to sing... when i'd cut myself. maybe i'm being too blunt here, but honestly, everyone has their baggage and bullshit, and i just need this venting. i came down here, to this computer and started to blast the song. i wasn't sure what i was going to do, so here i am, writing. i deleted the song off my iTunes, as a sign of growth, and now i'm just trying to figure out a way to make up for it. the first thing that came to my mind was karma. now i'm not going to deserve to be with anyone. now it's not going to happen for me. now i'm royally fucked. i just have to figure out the right way to tell my mom i'm sort of sorry i guess. i don't want to lose myself again when i worked all summer and all my life finding it. i don't want to lose who i am. and it's all because i'm so stressed. i'm going to watch paris je t'aime. i'm going to study for my test tomorrow. then i'm going to read twilight and fall asleep early. i want to wake up tomorrow feeling good, in hopes i could still deserve to fall in love or that i could still deserve to live my dream. this was a long entry, but i needed it. reading this, i can't believe how far i've come. all the people put behind me. all the friends who i've known and loved on the way. all the things i love and all the things i hate, i have no regrets. i just hope i am still deserving of something more. maybe this will make things right, and make the world forgive me for moving slightly backwards. i just would like to thank the internet for giving me a place to pour. like maple syrup on pancakes. i like pancakes.
today, when my mom got home, i was in the middle of paris je t'aime. i was just innocently watching it, trying to relax. she knows the weight i've fallen under. when she got home, i just said hi like any other day. i went upstairs to speak with her, talking to her about trivial shit. the average shit you talk to your mom about, i suppose. i was telling her about how my sister had bought me netflix for my birthday and how we were sharing it. she started to try and make me feel guilty, telling me that my sister had no job and shouldn't be buying me netflix. i wanted so bad to contradict her statement, which i knew to be untrue, but of course i couldn't because i told my sister i wouldn't tell her about her job. she doesn't want my mom to know she's working while in college. anyway, so my mom was there, trying to make me feel guilty. after yesterday especially, i can't stand the staggering aggravation. i just told her to stop and walked away. she was trying to make me feel guilty for a present my sister wanted to give me for my birthday. that's all i need now, hm? guilt.
i returned to watch more of paris je t'aime. i had just finished walter salles' segment, and had the lullaby the girl sang in it stuck in my head. i just want to relax and be alone, but she started telling me to do my homework. when i told her i didn't have much, she backed off. later on, she comes back while she's on the phone with my dad, telling him that i'll help him and that i'll help her too with trivial shit around the house. i'm usually not this irritable, but i'm in the aftermath of a stressful as fuck week, i didn't even really know what i'm capable of. hearing her say this, trying to pack more on top of me when i'm trying to relax for two fucking hours and just watch this movie, i just couldn't take it. i just told her to shut up and i left the room. she came after me. then she stood in my doorway telling me she didn't recognize me. this is obviously, all i need in the midst of my stress. she stood there spitting out negative all 'i don't know you' type gibberish to me while i told her to please leave, please leave, please leave. and let me give you a bit of history before you think poorly of me, even though i'm thinking quite poorly of myself.
as a tween (yes, tween) i had this sort of dark spot on my life. it was that stage in your life where you get all fucked up basically, and my temper was up the wall. at that point, my mom was verbally and at times, physically abusive. around that time, i was royally fucked and sometimes i'd actually fight back when she would anger me. i learned from the best i suppose. my temper was terrible, and i even went to some lowlife tween anger management program. i couldn't control myself, and i struggled for a while trying to set myself straight.
when she was spitting all this gibberish at me, i just didn't want to handle it. honestly, i was really close to just breaking out and throwing my stereo at her. i seriously thought about it. it went through my mind and it upset me because then it just made me think about how i used to be and made me wonder if i'd come all this way for nothing. am i back where i started? an asshole who doesn't give a shit. a punk-goth kid who cut herself. a dumbass who just needed an extra ounce of attention that she couldn't get. i spent so many years fucked up and now i'm back there? i just hysterically cried and tried to tune her out. her saying she needs to bring me to a shrink was the fucking icing on the cake. i just, i just couldn't take it, honestly. i told her to leave. i told her to please leave. it took everything in me to keep myself in control, after i was about to make a mistake. she wouldn't listen to me and i was trying so hard. i just want things to calm down, but i know they won't. thank goodness she finally left, and i contemplated cutting myself, which i haven't done in years. then i thought, i'm not a dumbass and i don't feel bad enough to want to do it. then a song played in my head that i hadn't heard in so long. nine inch nails' cover of johnny cash's "hurt." it was once my favorite song to sing... when i'd cut myself. maybe i'm being too blunt here, but honestly, everyone has their baggage and bullshit, and i just need this venting. i came down here, to this computer and started to blast the song. i wasn't sure what i was going to do, so here i am, writing. i deleted the song off my iTunes, as a sign of growth, and now i'm just trying to figure out a way to make up for it. the first thing that came to my mind was karma. now i'm not going to deserve to be with anyone. now it's not going to happen for me. now i'm royally fucked. i just have to figure out the right way to tell my mom i'm sort of sorry i guess. i don't want to lose myself again when i worked all summer and all my life finding it. i don't want to lose who i am. and it's all because i'm so stressed. i'm going to watch paris je t'aime. i'm going to study for my test tomorrow. then i'm going to read twilight and fall asleep early. i want to wake up tomorrow feeling good, in hopes i could still deserve to fall in love or that i could still deserve to live my dream. this was a long entry, but i needed it. reading this, i can't believe how far i've come. all the people put behind me. all the friends who i've known and loved on the way. all the things i love and all the things i hate, i have no regrets. i just hope i am still deserving of something more. maybe this will make things right, and make the world forgive me for moving slightly backwards. i just would like to thank the internet for giving me a place to pour. like maple syrup on pancakes. i like pancakes.
