black and white
i hate how you can be totally high on life and it can just be taken away in an instant. i'm wasting time right now, or maybe i'm not. i need a few minutes to clear my head i guess. ugh. i hate these moments when i feel like i'm not good enough and i have this knot in my throat and i start doubting and second guessing life and myself and everything. i legit had such a kickass week in so many different ways, and all it took was one moment of being self-concious to bring me back down from my natural high. i hate how things can't stay too great for too long. i hate how things can seem so perfect but not really be. i hate how i've made myself so unhappy within just hours of being the happiest i've ever been. am i wrong to feel the way i'm feeling about myself right now? i'm not sure, but i just need a venting sesh so i can get back on my feet and start writing my mountain of essays and doing my mountain of homework so i can have a good time tomorrow. my mind is just all.. fucked up. it's nothing anyone did, it's just me overthink, feeling self- concious and feeling shitty. i'm just an asshole to myself. maybe if i didn't think at all about anything i'd be happier.
i've been having a really great few weeks. things have been looking so incredibly positive, like they never have before. just in the fact that i felt for once that i've found someone who i want to love and who wants to love me just made me feel like i was on some sort of a natural high. it's not like anything got taken away from me, i'm just afraid of being a disappointment, i guess. do i make myself seem too good or better than i am? i don't know anymore. i'm starting to second guess whether i'm as great as i make myself out to be, or as i think i am. i'm just starting to question if i'm deserving of what i'm getting or if it's too good to be true or some shit like that, i don't know. my moment of self- conciousness started over some trivial conversation with my mom. we were talking about jobs, and how i don't have one. i kept telling her i want one, i know i need one. i think i'm going to go next weekend looking, but this weekend is just too busy. ugh, i'm overwhelmed just thinking about how much i have to do still tonight. through this conversation i started to think, i have so many friends with jobs and some are even doing better than i am in school. am i just a dumbass or are they just smarter than me? i should be able to have better or at least equal grades to people with jobs. it's stupid if my grades are lower than people who have jobs. i have more time on my hands, how do i spend it if it's not on school shit? what have i been doing? all these thoughts came through my head and i felt incredibly self-concious. i feel so vulnerable and insecure. i don't feel sure of myself right now, at all. i need to remind myself of how good i am, even though saying it sounds completely arrogant. ugh. i'm trying to think of all the things that make me feel positive about myself. things that make me feel happy inside so i can get back on track. i don't know how i got so royally fucked up in the head in the span of a few hours. what is going on in my head right now? i'm trying to talk some sense into myself. it'll work eventually. i'll just listen to songs that make me happy and continually listen. think about how much i have to be happy about. ugh, why do i have to feel like so much shit? now i'm never going to get anything done.
