<-- burgundy buttons brooch, $3. right here, right now. that's all. i'm in such a vulnerable and angry and sad and confused state. i want to just let it all out and it's going to happen, right here. i'm not holding back anything. i'm writing it all and i don't care who or who doesn't read it. complete strangers or vague acquaintances are what i need right now... more than close friends, more than family, and more than people who think they're my close friends or family but really aren't in my mind. i hold too much inside myself and no matter how much i blog and how much i watch movies or read books, trying to escape from what is supposed to be reality, i just have so much bottled up. it's coming out, like vomit. all this stuff in my brain. then, maybe, i'll feel somewhat stable again. i'm really not right now.
yesterday, i sort of got hit by a metaphorical, five buses, eight fast moving trains and 28 fallen airplanes. i've never had such a blow to the brain. felt so lost and confused without anyone to blame but myself. it's always been someone else's fault. someone else's pain. someone else's sorrow that i just shared. my whole life has been one crazy ride on someone else's train, but still i could feel the pain; but now the pain is mine and for once, i have to deal with it alone. i've been alone for a while now. i've pretty much become anti-social in the past two weeks. i haven't touched to much of anyone, and when i did, it was just vague, pointless conversation. i haven't really been getting out much, but i didn't want to get out. for some reason i wanted to be alone. i didn't want to leave. i just wanted to stay inside and i don't know why. i guess my body prefers solitude for some odd reason. but i've just been living my life hardly, just getting by. walking to the post office sometimes. not even executing any goals i've set. i guess i've been sort of selfish. i've just forgotten everyone just because i've been feeling down. do i have the right to alienate myself? i don't even know anymore.
the story today though, it's about everything, not just me. it's bigger than me. it's a big thing to tackle, and it's life. i don't know exactly how i'm going to tackle it yet, but maybe by the end of this i might have some idea. it's better to get your thoughts on the table before you go for the plunge... and what a plunge it will be.
yesterday was the fourth of july. i had family over, blah, unimportant. we were outside having a barbecue when my grandma brought up that my sister, kelly, had her baby. the thing is, i'd had no idea until just yesterday when this happened already, earlier this week or maybe earlier this month, i don't even know. how did i come to this ignorance? it all started with a trip to peru last year. my cousin was getting married. i didn't go, i went to look at colleges with my sister instead. so at the end of the summer there is all this bitterness and secrets and weird things going on. it seemed like everyone knew something i didn't, and i wanted to know, but at the time i was mixed up in the dumbass world of teenage angst. last year was basically my year to be angsty and selfish and not care about anything besides me and hanging out with my selfish, angsty friends. so in short, i pretty much hated my family. i hated my sister for reasons i don't even remember. i hated my mom because she'd ruined everything that could've been my life and i hated my dad because he ignored me for years and let my mom ruin everything that could've been my life without fighting back. see, my mom is the psycho, my dad is the pushover, which is just as bad as the psycho. and when i say psycho, i'm not kidding. my family does have a wide history of poor mental health, but my mom is the worst because she has these terrible mood swings, she's always paranoid, she has the worst temper i know and the worst part.. she won't get help. she doesn't think she needs it and she doesn't want it. she doesn't want to get better, and that's the worst part. she has a history of abuse, not in her childhood, but ours. i have so many memories of her beating on my oldest sister, my cousin who lived with us and sometimes me and my other sister. she's so unstable, and she got away with her abusive natures until CPS finally came into the picture, but that's another story. point and fact, i don't like my parents that much. my dad is a pushover and my mom is a psycho, but out of this came me, so i guess i can't hate them. it was around the beginning of last year when i found out everything. i think it was the week of my birthday, in november, or maybe before. my sister's friend josh joined media art honor society and then for a while we just talked about her a lot that first day he joined, and since i hated her i didn't really care what i said. but i didn't know that he was a total chatterbox who talks bad about everyone, but also, tells everyone when someone else talked bad about them; so the next day my sister came home all mad at me and i was like, oh well, but then we were in the kitchen eating an after school snack when we lashed out in this big fight and it was terrible. but through that, it all came out. we both noticed, we need to stick together, and she told me about how my oldest sister who had gone to my cousin's wedding in peru had found out that my mom was having an affair and that she was stealing money from us and had been creating a surplus in peru to move there eventually with the guy she was having an affair with [who is a loser, if i might add]. in this, my sister and i decided to put all our differences behind us and become closer than close, and we have been since. the horrible truth about my already horrible mom came out, through my oldest sister, who i hadn't spoken to in a while, and wondered why, but the thing about the truth was that we had to keep our knowledge of it a secret, so if my dad was going to divorce her, we could surprise her with it in the end when she thinks she's getting away with it.
so, my mom knew that my oldest sister knew. she knew that my oldest sister would tell. in turn, she hated my oldest sister and alienated her from everything. even as far to try and tell me that this girl who had raised me in a way even my mother had not, was not my sister. in reality, or in blood i should say, she is my cousin, not my sister. my uncle in peru who had had her sort of by mistake, had died and she had come to the united states and was adopted by my parents to gain citizenship and build a better life here. she is my family and that will never change. i consider her a true part of myself, where i'd shun both my parents. in my mind, my family is my siblings more than anything. they are the people i love more than anything and they are my two sisters and my little brother. but both my sisters are gone now. my oldest sister is out in the real world, and she's married; my other sister is currently in california, going off to college soon. i am now, alone with my little brother. but with my oldest sister's alienation, i kept contact with her until march, when my dad wouldn't let us see her while my mom was away.
the thing with my dad, is beyond being a pushover, he is very paranoid. he thinks of my mom as some sort of a supernatural being almost. he thinks she'll find out everything, but she also gives him pain. she fights with him all the time, and it's so unbearable for the rest of us and him. but he won't leave here because of his paranoia, and it's costing his life. he's wasting it on her; a woman that's never going to be satisfied when he could be sufficiently happy any other way. and i do mean, almost any other way. my oldest sister did tell him about my mom's shenanigans in peru as well, and he was planning on divorcing her [for the millionth time] but you know how pushovers work out...
so i haven't really spoken to my sister since march when my dad wouldn't; let us go see her. she was already pregnant, but i never did stop thinking of her or her baby, and that is not something i take lightly at all. but i did get preoccupied, mostly with school, etsy and trying to better myself. i lost sight of a lot of things and i was just focusing on getting into college and me, me, me, me, me. i lost sight of a lot. april, may and june all went by fairly quickly. during june i hatched this idea that i should walk to the post office every week and send her something, secretly, along with my packages. i was strongly thinking of it and considering it. i was often thinking about what to write and what to do. i was actually going to start doing it next week, because she was due in august. i was thinking skippy and i could make some things. cheer her up and let her know we cared. i even found this onesie on etsy i wanted to get for he, but now it's too late for it. i let her stay alienated and only saw her once throughout the whole pregnancy. i missed it. and that's why i'm feeling like shit. i think the only solution is to just do everything anyway. send things every week like i was going to and just be honest. today is going to be about her, and not me, for once. i guess i do think a sufficient amount about other people, but it's still not enough because i've never been more angry at myself than i am today.
yesterday, i sort of got hit by a metaphorical, five buses, eight fast moving trains and 28 fallen airplanes. i've never had such a blow to the brain. felt so lost and confused without anyone to blame but myself. it's always been someone else's fault. someone else's pain. someone else's sorrow that i just shared. my whole life has been one crazy ride on someone else's train, but still i could feel the pain; but now the pain is mine and for once, i have to deal with it alone. i've been alone for a while now. i've pretty much become anti-social in the past two weeks. i haven't touched to much of anyone, and when i did, it was just vague, pointless conversation. i haven't really been getting out much, but i didn't want to get out. for some reason i wanted to be alone. i didn't want to leave. i just wanted to stay inside and i don't know why. i guess my body prefers solitude for some odd reason. but i've just been living my life hardly, just getting by. walking to the post office sometimes. not even executing any goals i've set. i guess i've been sort of selfish. i've just forgotten everyone just because i've been feeling down. do i have the right to alienate myself? i don't even know anymore.
the story today though, it's about everything, not just me. it's bigger than me. it's a big thing to tackle, and it's life. i don't know exactly how i'm going to tackle it yet, but maybe by the end of this i might have some idea. it's better to get your thoughts on the table before you go for the plunge... and what a plunge it will be.
yesterday was the fourth of july. i had family over, blah, unimportant. we were outside having a barbecue when my grandma brought up that my sister, kelly, had her baby. the thing is, i'd had no idea until just yesterday when this happened already, earlier this week or maybe earlier this month, i don't even know. how did i come to this ignorance? it all started with a trip to peru last year. my cousin was getting married. i didn't go, i went to look at colleges with my sister instead. so at the end of the summer there is all this bitterness and secrets and weird things going on. it seemed like everyone knew something i didn't, and i wanted to know, but at the time i was mixed up in the dumbass world of teenage angst. last year was basically my year to be angsty and selfish and not care about anything besides me and hanging out with my selfish, angsty friends. so in short, i pretty much hated my family. i hated my sister for reasons i don't even remember. i hated my mom because she'd ruined everything that could've been my life and i hated my dad because he ignored me for years and let my mom ruin everything that could've been my life without fighting back. see, my mom is the psycho, my dad is the pushover, which is just as bad as the psycho. and when i say psycho, i'm not kidding. my family does have a wide history of poor mental health, but my mom is the worst because she has these terrible mood swings, she's always paranoid, she has the worst temper i know and the worst part.. she won't get help. she doesn't think she needs it and she doesn't want it. she doesn't want to get better, and that's the worst part. she has a history of abuse, not in her childhood, but ours. i have so many memories of her beating on my oldest sister, my cousin who lived with us and sometimes me and my other sister. she's so unstable, and she got away with her abusive natures until CPS finally came into the picture, but that's another story. point and fact, i don't like my parents that much. my dad is a pushover and my mom is a psycho, but out of this came me, so i guess i can't hate them. it was around the beginning of last year when i found out everything. i think it was the week of my birthday, in november, or maybe before. my sister's friend josh joined media art honor society and then for a while we just talked about her a lot that first day he joined, and since i hated her i didn't really care what i said. but i didn't know that he was a total chatterbox who talks bad about everyone, but also, tells everyone when someone else talked bad about them; so the next day my sister came home all mad at me and i was like, oh well, but then we were in the kitchen eating an after school snack when we lashed out in this big fight and it was terrible. but through that, it all came out. we both noticed, we need to stick together, and she told me about how my oldest sister who had gone to my cousin's wedding in peru had found out that my mom was having an affair and that she was stealing money from us and had been creating a surplus in peru to move there eventually with the guy she was having an affair with [who is a loser, if i might add]. in this, my sister and i decided to put all our differences behind us and become closer than close, and we have been since. the horrible truth about my already horrible mom came out, through my oldest sister, who i hadn't spoken to in a while, and wondered why, but the thing about the truth was that we had to keep our knowledge of it a secret, so if my dad was going to divorce her, we could surprise her with it in the end when she thinks she's getting away with it.
so, my mom knew that my oldest sister knew. she knew that my oldest sister would tell. in turn, she hated my oldest sister and alienated her from everything. even as far to try and tell me that this girl who had raised me in a way even my mother had not, was not my sister. in reality, or in blood i should say, she is my cousin, not my sister. my uncle in peru who had had her sort of by mistake, had died and she had come to the united states and was adopted by my parents to gain citizenship and build a better life here. she is my family and that will never change. i consider her a true part of myself, where i'd shun both my parents. in my mind, my family is my siblings more than anything. they are the people i love more than anything and they are my two sisters and my little brother. but both my sisters are gone now. my oldest sister is out in the real world, and she's married; my other sister is currently in california, going off to college soon. i am now, alone with my little brother. but with my oldest sister's alienation, i kept contact with her until march, when my dad wouldn't let us see her while my mom was away.
the thing with my dad, is beyond being a pushover, he is very paranoid. he thinks of my mom as some sort of a supernatural being almost. he thinks she'll find out everything, but she also gives him pain. she fights with him all the time, and it's so unbearable for the rest of us and him. but he won't leave here because of his paranoia, and it's costing his life. he's wasting it on her; a woman that's never going to be satisfied when he could be sufficiently happy any other way. and i do mean, almost any other way. my oldest sister did tell him about my mom's shenanigans in peru as well, and he was planning on divorcing her [for the millionth time] but you know how pushovers work out...
so i haven't really spoken to my sister since march when my dad wouldn't; let us go see her. she was already pregnant, but i never did stop thinking of her or her baby, and that is not something i take lightly at all. but i did get preoccupied, mostly with school, etsy and trying to better myself. i lost sight of a lot of things and i was just focusing on getting into college and me, me, me, me, me. i lost sight of a lot. april, may and june all went by fairly quickly. during june i hatched this idea that i should walk to the post office every week and send her something, secretly, along with my packages. i was strongly thinking of it and considering it. i was often thinking about what to write and what to do. i was actually going to start doing it next week, because she was due in august. i was thinking skippy and i could make some things. cheer her up and let her know we cared. i even found this onesie on etsy i wanted to get for he, but now it's too late for it. i let her stay alienated and only saw her once throughout the whole pregnancy. i missed it. and that's why i'm feeling like shit. i think the only solution is to just do everything anyway. send things every week like i was going to and just be honest. today is going to be about her, and not me, for once. i guess i do think a sufficient amount about other people, but it's still not enough because i've never been more angry at myself than i am today.
<-- cell pin cushion/plushie, $3. listed today in my etsy shop ! parachutes [amazing band from iceland] came out with a new song today and just gave me a rush of adrenaline ! yum. and so now i'm feeling pretty good. i'm in one of those write an about me moods, so i'll do just that. i've 59 sales away from 100 ! that's a lot, but hopefully it'll get smaller soon. i need to get knitting, get sewing and post, post, post ! i also just found a new band i like called the parenthetical girls ! they have this fun song 'the weight she fell under.' it's not fun lyrics, but it's fun because it has a glockenspiel ! it's so much fun to listen to. yes, i'm having a blast. hahah. but anyway, i'll get writing before i forget who i am, which might be soon. i would rant about the fact that i desperately need to get out of here and go to the post office ! but i will get off my butt eventually. i'm going to go to staples and search for recycled paper ! yay. so i won't have to spend a fortune on cardstock everytime i want to come out with a zine, for the sole reasoning of wanting to help the environment. i'm a tad worried about my time restraints on my new zine. it's pretty much done, except my featured artists have yet to send back their answers to my questions, so hopefully that will happen soon since i convo-ed them today. ay ya ya ya ya. i'm getting bored.
<-- duke the gnome, $4. today national geographic is having [as i'm writing] a live broadcast from reykjavik ! it's the greatest icelandic mash-up of course ! their dynamic duo ! sigur ros and bjork ! it's so wonderful. i started watching a little while ago and i'm sad because i feel like i missed so much. it's going to be on the nat geo website tomorrow, but it's such and amazing combination for such a worthy cause. i'm very passionate about iceland, as mostly everyone knows, and i'm very aware about the state of it right now. the question of whether or not iceland should sacrifice its pristine environment for its not so pristine economy. i love this country to death, and i've never even been there. i could say a million times that i've fallen in love with a person, but only with iceland can i say i'm in love with the country, not even knowing its people. it's the last one, the last unaltered and nature-made country. as technology booms and grows, nature is taking a backseat. the earth can't control technology. technology is becoming too great now, and ruining the beauty that the earth is. iceland is the last completely pristine place on earth. the amazon is being torn down, the polar ice caps are melting. and now, iceland''s people are striving to fight the destruction of the last pristine environment in the world. i understand it's a debate and it's a gamble, but my point of view is for it to just open up more than it has. try more for tourism rather than sell itself for cheap energy. we need to save this planet, not add more to its current grief.
<-- beaming echarpe, $9. i'm going to have a really short entry today, because i'm going to go see WALL-E soon, hopefully. today was a friend's going away party, and my mom made me more than an hour late. it was really upsetting, because i was just thinking, what if this is one of the last times i would ever see him? not that he's anything more than just a friend, but what if this is the last time i'd see him? what if he never comes to visit or something bad happens to him? do i really want his last memory of me to be that person who didn't show up to his graduation party and didn't care? i know i couldn't live with that, but then, i guess i never really thought of anything that way, really. my whole life is like that. there are always hellos and goodbyes, but sometimes there are negative goodbyes, and death doesn't wait for anything or anyone. who knows how many mistakes i've made, but none of them mean anything because i'm unaware of them, but i think i should make more of an effort to try to say goodbye with positivity, and make sure whenever someone walks away from me, there is no negative feelings unless i have a perfectly justified reason. you can't make everyone happy, and i've learned that, but the people that mean the most should at least feel that meaning and love.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
daily life. it goes "do you remember not long ago when we used to live for the nighttime? cherish each moment? now we don't live, we exist, we just run for our lives. so alone.' this verse really changed my point of view a lot. there is a difference between living and existing. anything can exist, but to live, is to experience. not just sit around and be lazy and afraid, doing something. and now that i saw that film, and was moved by it, i want to move my lazy ass a lot more than i have been, as of late. i need to get out more, even though i do get out a lot, i need more. i like the moments and the movies that change your life. it can give us all hope that one person could very well, change the world.
EDIT: okay, i just saw wall-e and i completely loved it. it reminded me of why i fell in love with filmmaking in the first place. it was one of the greatest movies i've seen in years. it's so incredibly sweet, but with an apocalyptic, humans suck, 2001: a space odyssey-esque background and subplot ! it was sci-fi fantastic and so adorable ! it also makes me want to go out exercising really badly, because it felt so real... where we are headed. when you see it you'll know what i mean, and although a lot of people may deny it, if we continue our lives the way they are, life on earth will go extinct and we'll be run by machines. we'll exist, but we won't live. i remember one day a few years ago, i was listening to a savage garden song, 'hold me' [i just posted it], there is a verse in there that i really noticed at one point and started to constantly think about while living my
<-- freskur gnomes, $4 each. i'm starting a youtube channel. all week i've been recording [on my camera, not the camcorder that i lost by the way] everything and anything beautiful that held my attention. at the end of the week i'll make a montage of all of it and put it to a song. i'm going to try to do this every week so i can get used to how i feel and think about my surroundings. i think it's important for me to do something like this so once i'm a director of films or a cinematographer, i know my style, and i already know if i'm good or not.
i'm working on my new issue of the palaver. i'm making it a lot more art based this time. i found a few books i wanted to collage with, so i'm trying it. i'm going to try it to be less writing and more visual. as a filmmaker your number one priority should be the ability to tell a story through pictures. that's what sets film apart from anything else. i have to think of it more like that. make every film like it's a silent film, but have audio be equally important. to find that balance can probably take a lifetime, but i'm going to try my best to achieve it. i want my films to be extraordinary, and to be a good screenwriter you're supposed to write everyday, so why not be a good director or cinematographer by filming everything everyday? i think it sounds about right.
i'm working on my new issue of the palaver. i'm making it a lot more art based this time. i found a few books i wanted to collage with, so i'm trying it. i'm going to try it to be less writing and more visual. as a filmmaker your number one priority should be the ability to tell a story through pictures. that's what sets film apart from anything else. i have to think of it more like that. make every film like it's a silent film, but have audio be equally important. to find that balance can probably take a lifetime, but i'm going to try my best to achieve it. i want my films to be extraordinary, and to be a good screenwriter you're supposed to write everyday, so why not be a good director or cinematographer by filming everything everyday? i think it sounds about right.
<-- landin the linen scented gnome, $4. hopelandic. what does that mean? i don't know, but i guess i'd like to. i love when i'm in those moods where i could write for hours, and write well too. today i should've been walking to the post office, but then other things crossed my mind and came to my attention, so i decided to hand around for a little while. wednesday will be my first hardcore summer day, meaning, i need to wake up for a hardcore run. i either have the run around 6AM-ish, or 7PM-ish, just cos that's when my favorite shade of sky blue is out. i love when i can look at the sky and it's this pale blue feeling gray sort of color. it makes me thing of iceland, and i like it. that place calls to me everyday. every time one of their delightful musicians make their way into my headphones during a walk or during a sit, i just want to be there with them, experiencing what it is that makes iceland so mysteriously serene and beautiful. lately, they've even had problems within, but my want and need of iceland has not died, and hopefully will not. the people of iceland seem to love it as well, or else we'd have a high concentration of icelandic- americans rather than italian or irish, and who has seen that more than one to four times in their lives? me, never. people in iceland dwell there because they're happy there, it seems. whenever i listen to sigur ros, amiina, etc. i don't have to wonder why.
ideas have been popping into my mind all week ever since saturday. now that i'm sure i'm going to be going to the new york film academy [only for a week, but i will cherish it] for the first week of august, i want to make the most of the equipment and opportunity that will be available to me, to make something worthwhile and something as amazing as possible. something that can get me into some film festivals and that i can add to my college resume. but i have noticed a common pattern, that all my stories are of hopeless loves, or loves lost. i don't know why my mind is so magnetic to that topic. perhaps it's because i'm simply a hopeless romantic? but probably more simply, because that's my interest. i always seem to picture audrey tautou as all of my protagonist or supporting female roles ! she's like, all over my mind ! i must say, i think my mind and body yearns for me to purchase amelie as soon as possible ! hahha.
ideas have been popping into my mind all week ever since saturday. now that i'm sure i'm going to be going to the new york film academy [only for a week, but i will cherish it] for the first week of august, i want to make the most of the equipment and opportunity that will be available to me, to make something worthwhile and something as amazing as possible. something that can get me into some film festivals and that i can add to my college resume. but i have noticed a common pattern, that all my stories are of hopeless loves, or loves lost. i don't know why my mind is so magnetic to that topic. perhaps it's because i'm simply a hopeless romantic? but probably more simply, because that's my interest. i always seem to picture audrey tautou as all of my protagonist or supporting female roles ! she's like, all over my mind ! i must say, i think my mind and body yearns for me to purchase amelie as soon as possible ! hahha.
and because i feel like it, i'd like to write about myself to this point, just cos 'something to talk about' by badly drawn boy happens to strike my fancy, as well as put me in the mood.
i'm jamie. i have a shop on etsy. i'm completely in love with film and music. i'm not really sure if i'd ever want to fully collaborate the two as a career, but for now, i want to be a film director. i idolize michel gondry and wes anderson, mostly, but tim burton makes his way in there as well, along with many others, but i'll stop listing. i'm so in love with life that i constantly lose sight of things. i'm always thinking about things and trying to understand where i am and where i'll eventually be. as ideas come into my mind, i try my best to write them down, but things are always coming and going in my life. people just as well as the wind. i tire of people and other things too easily for my own good, but some people manage to maintain my constant interest. lately my main focus has been on bettering myself and loving myself. i love when i have sudden bursts of self-esteem. i'm a vegetarian. i love living things, and while they are killed inhumanely, i will not eat them. i believe everyone should have a death that was brought upon by themselves in some way; by some choice they made or by the fact they may have lived a while. we all bring upon our own deaths some way, and animals should have that right as well, or at least be given the most painless death if we are to continually murder them for our own well-being. i have a pet fish named pablo diablo, and to be perfectly honest, at times he makes me feel uncomfortable because i'm not sure if having him in a small case is what he really needs or wants. i want his freedom, but i know he couldn't survive in the real world. i believe everything on earth is given life for a reason. everything has a purpose. everything to ever walk this earth had some effect on something that was necessary to keeping the balance of the universe, from the embryo just killed by abortion to the oldest person who has ever lived. my nature to over- procrastinate and constantly forget things is one of my biggest flaws. but in the end, it's only me, and i'm learning to love and embrace it.
i'm jamie. i have a shop on etsy. i'm completely in love with film and music. i'm not really sure if i'd ever want to fully collaborate the two as a career, but for now, i want to be a film director. i idolize michel gondry and wes anderson, mostly, but tim burton makes his way in there as well, along with many others, but i'll stop listing. i'm so in love with life that i constantly lose sight of things. i'm always thinking about things and trying to understand where i am and where i'll eventually be. as ideas come into my mind, i try my best to write them down, but things are always coming and going in my life. people just as well as the wind. i tire of people and other things too easily for my own good, but some people manage to maintain my constant interest. lately my main focus has been on bettering myself and loving myself. i love when i have sudden bursts of self-esteem. i'm a vegetarian. i love living things, and while they are killed inhumanely, i will not eat them. i believe everyone should have a death that was brought upon by themselves in some way; by some choice they made or by the fact they may have lived a while. we all bring upon our own deaths some way, and animals should have that right as well, or at least be given the most painless death if we are to continually murder them for our own well-being. i have a pet fish named pablo diablo, and to be perfectly honest, at times he makes me feel uncomfortable because i'm not sure if having him in a small case is what he really needs or wants. i want his freedom, but i know he couldn't survive in the real world. i believe everything on earth is given life for a reason. everything has a purpose. everything to ever walk this earth had some effect on something that was necessary to keeping the balance of the universe, from the embryo just killed by abortion to the oldest person who has ever lived. my nature to over- procrastinate and constantly forget things is one of my biggest flaws. but in the end, it's only me, and i'm learning to love and embrace it.
i uploaded a ton of new pictures today on my etsy, so pretty much when you click on any piece of jewelry, there is some weird nice picture you haven't seen before. (: it's 10.47PM and this is probably the latest at night i've ever blogged before... but i really feel like it. i have this urge to just redo everything.. as in, my facebook, my myspace and all those shitty websites that are supposed to help people learn more about you, but in the end, essentially, people just copy each other or just don't fill the thing out. those websites can be fodder for mega-creeps who are trying to make themselves be like you and copy all your information, modifying a few things here and there. those online stalker people who have no individuality, but i guess no one really does anymore. the earth has been around for so long that new ideas have mostly already been thought of by someone, somewhere, sometime. now all you have to do is go find one that no one remembers or that no one bothered to put into action. that's life today. people who are just learning from their experiences, but are, essentially, just jumbling up things they've seen and learned. it's not new, it's just a new way of seeing 'new.' nothing is new anymore. languages, written languages, numbers, they were all discovered already. that was really originality, and now, in the twenty-first century, there are so many people struggling to find this 'originality' that is really non-existent. they penalize others for not being original enough, but in truth, if you weren't one of those mesopotamian farmers in the fertile crescent, or those egyptians by the nile, or those greek philosophers eating too many olives, you're not that original. you're modifying things that have already been done. every idea has crossed someone's mind sometime, you just won't know who.
i like writing at night. do you ever notice that sometimes your self-esteem boosts at night? for me it does. i don't know why. maybe it's just that once it's time for you to sleep again, it's when you see things for what they really are. maybe that's the curse of sleep. maybe sleep itself is a curse. it's this neutral feeling that tries to keep you from reality so you'll create conflict. it's like, it will be 11PM, and i'd feel pretty without makeup, whereas, at 9AM i'd feel gross. maybe sleep is a curse. without conflict there would be no stress, without stress there would be no sickness and no aging, without aging there would be no death, but if you think about it, death is necessary for life. if nothing died and everyone lived forever the earth would be too full, like it's filling up now. everything has a carrying capacity, but if every creature on earth felt secretly superior or had high self-esteem and felt 100% good about itself, death wouldn't be necessary, and that would throw things out of balance. death is a disease, sleep is a curse.
i like writing at night. do you ever notice that sometimes your self-esteem boosts at night? for me it does. i don't know why. maybe it's just that once it's time for you to sleep again, it's when you see things for what they really are. maybe that's the curse of sleep. maybe sleep itself is a curse. it's this neutral feeling that tries to keep you from reality so you'll create conflict. it's like, it will be 11PM, and i'd feel pretty without makeup, whereas, at 9AM i'd feel gross. maybe sleep is a curse. without conflict there would be no stress, without stress there would be no sickness and no aging, without aging there would be no death, but if you think about it, death is necessary for life. if nothing died and everyone lived forever the earth would be too full, like it's filling up now. everything has a carrying capacity, but if every creature on earth felt secretly superior or had high self-esteem and felt 100% good about itself, death wouldn't be necessary, and that would throw things out of balance. death is a disease, sleep is a curse.
the picture today is of my fish, pablo diablo ! i love him so much, he's so orange and beautiful. i like how he eats. hehe. when i was taking this photo my mom walked in the room and was like 'what are you doing?' and i replied 'taking pictures of my fish, he's very photogenic.' because he is ! hahah. look at his fabulousness ! he's fierce ! hehe. i was thinking about what it would be like if i got another fish. i was thinking i'd name it diablo cody and if i got a third fish i'd name it cody martin and if i got a fourth fish i'd name it martin scorsese ! hahaha, i know, i'm weird, but i guess it's cute. (: i need more pets now that my sister is gone. i want to get rid of as much as i can and make my room as empty as possible. i guess that'll get rid of the 'get rid of stuff and keep what matters' goal for this year. that'll be hard because i'm the type that hangs on to pretty much everything. i never want to let things go. i just want to keep everything, but i really need to start fresh and new next year. i'm even updating my wardrobe ! haha, not. i wish. i'm probably not going to make enough money over the summer to do that. unless my goal comes true and i have 100 etsy sales this summer ! that'd be, the bomb !
i think i've sang coldplay's song 'viva la vida' at least 20 times within the past two days. out loud too ! i sang in the shower yesterday. i really need to get some new blank cds so i can make more mix cds for my showers, and maybe i can send the mix cd with my palavers this time. speaking of which, i need to get a print cartridge desperately or i won't be able to put out any more of my june palaver before it comes time for the july issue ! hehe. i'm planning for the july one to be really kick-ass, so watch for it !
today while on the internet, i was doing a sort of shallow thing. it was more like a self- esteem thing i suppose. i was looking for blemishes and flaws in pictures of natalie portman, hahah, but what i found out was, even though i found some, it didn't really make me feel any better about anything. it was just noticing she was human i guess, but i guess we fail to see that when these people are portrayed to be like deities on earth. as if they have no flaws in the world, besides within their love lives. but i also found a new like for keira knightley. she's so down to earth. in one of her quotes on a website she was talking about how for pirates of the caribbean they had to paint her cleavage in everyday ! hahah. things like that make me happy. i hate how in hollywood they portray everything to be so far from reality and people strive to be that false reality when it is really unachievable. that's one thing i don't want in my films.
i think i've sang coldplay's song 'viva la vida' at least 20 times within the past two days. out loud too ! i sang in the shower yesterday. i really need to get some new blank cds so i can make more mix cds for my showers, and maybe i can send the mix cd with my palavers this time. speaking of which, i need to get a print cartridge desperately or i won't be able to put out any more of my june palaver before it comes time for the july issue ! hehe. i'm planning for the july one to be really kick-ass, so watch for it !
today while on the internet, i was doing a sort of shallow thing. it was more like a self- esteem thing i suppose. i was looking for blemishes and flaws in pictures of natalie portman, hahah, but what i found out was, even though i found some, it didn't really make me feel any better about anything. it was just noticing she was human i guess, but i guess we fail to see that when these people are portrayed to be like deities on earth. as if they have no flaws in the world, besides within their love lives. but i also found a new like for keira knightley. she's so down to earth. in one of her quotes on a website she was talking about how for pirates of the caribbean they had to paint her cleavage in everyday ! hahah. things like that make me happy. i hate how in hollywood they portray everything to be so far from reality and people strive to be that false reality when it is really unachievable. that's one thing i don't want in my films.
my sister left today. it hasn't hit me yet at all. i guess at moments i noticed, but ultimately, it has made not much difference to me, yet. i don't think it will much until school time comes around again and then i don't have someone to wait at the bus stop with or make fun of weirdies with. it's so weird what can happen in a year. i went from completely despising her to becoming so close with her. i don't know what my summer will consist of much right now. i'm sort of in shock i guess, and at a loss for everything. but i want this to be positive. i want to spend more time on myself and bettering that. i was just reading an article on the etsy storque and now i'm sort of thinking about making a semi- video blog type thing. not a blog though, just like, a channel. but i don't want it to be typical. i'm sure everyone is as tired as i am of seeing the dumb ass who sits in front of their computer making faces or whatever they do and constantly cutting themselves off and editing stupidly. stupid short-cut editing doesn't make you that great, but i want to make some type of a unique and fun youtube channel that people will actually not be bored watching and not have to just listen to me talk for hours. i guess for the next few days i'll be compiling ideas of everything i want to do this summer and this is one, i suppose. but this is one of my optional ones, since i have so many other goals.
so far i have a few goals in mind: exercise daily, youtube/vimeo channel, 100 etsy sales, kiva section of my etsy shop & watch all of lost over again. exercise daily is key. it seems like as long as i procrastinate it, the more i go insane with negativity. my pool is open, no one is home, i have no real summer job, i have no excuse. the youtube or vimeo channel i create, will be completely optional. i don't want it to be too serious or too extreme. i don't want to end up like a lot of kids around where i live with their weird and pointless youtube channels. i'd point out names, but if they end up google-ing themselves then they'll find out i was dissing them. oh well, there are tons of headstrong teenagers that have their own pointless channels. no one needs examples. the 100 etsy sales is my major goal. since i'm without a summer job and lost my camcorder i need to save up for a new camcorder and also establish myself as a serious etsy seller. i'll hopefully be posting everyday and then comes the next goal. next year, my friend and i are starting a club, completely fundraising based. it's going to be based on kiva.org; a great website that allows people all over the world to give and receive loans. the receivers are people who are less fortunate who are trying to start their own businesses but need a little boost. (: when they are successful, they'll pay it back, so it's like a cycle. the basis of our club is to fundraise and then just keep distributing it out and helping tons of people ! so, this summer, i'm going to make a section of my shop that will have all proceeds going to our kiva club. i'll hopefully be posting one item a week in that section. besides that, the lost thing is self-explanitory. (: hehe. hopefully it'll be a great summer !
so far i have a few goals in mind: exercise daily, youtube/vimeo channel, 100 etsy sales, kiva section of my etsy shop & watch all of lost over again. exercise daily is key. it seems like as long as i procrastinate it, the more i go insane with negativity. my pool is open, no one is home, i have no real summer job, i have no excuse. the youtube or vimeo channel i create, will be completely optional. i don't want it to be too serious or too extreme. i don't want to end up like a lot of kids around where i live with their weird and pointless youtube channels. i'd point out names, but if they end up google-ing themselves then they'll find out i was dissing them. oh well, there are tons of headstrong teenagers that have their own pointless channels. no one needs examples. the 100 etsy sales is my major goal. since i'm without a summer job and lost my camcorder i need to save up for a new camcorder and also establish myself as a serious etsy seller. i'll hopefully be posting everyday and then comes the next goal. next year, my friend and i are starting a club, completely fundraising based. it's going to be based on kiva.org; a great website that allows people all over the world to give and receive loans. the receivers are people who are less fortunate who are trying to start their own businesses but need a little boost. (: when they are successful, they'll pay it back, so it's like a cycle. the basis of our club is to fundraise and then just keep distributing it out and helping tons of people ! so, this summer, i'm going to make a section of my shop that will have all proceeds going to our kiva club. i'll hopefully be posting one item a week in that section. besides that, the lost thing is self-explanitory. (: hehe. hopefully it'll be a great summer !
Links
EVERY ITEM COMES WITH A SURPRISE FREE GIFT ! my new line...
the myspace page for my etsy shop.
DIYscene.com - DIY Clothing, Indie Design, and Craft Disc...
my new love is indiepublic. it's a great place to advert...
i've always been interested in flickr, and now i finally ...
