J A M I E L E T O

i was just wondering what istockphoto was. i always see it but i never really knew what it was. i guess i do now. i just picked out some randoms because they looked cute. i like that one with the tree in the hands. it appeals to my senses. this week is hectic and stuff, but i wanted to take twenty minutes to just be and just think and just... not be in the world around me. the surroundings get so repetitive eventually, and i just sort of want to be in my little world of infinity. i just sort of want to be in the state of mind where i can write well and write clearly. i have to finish writing an essay, so it'd be quite a fitting state of mind. i'm going to write for an hour at 8PM, so until then, i'll write here just to get into the mood. i'm currently reading some klosterman. i have to say he is one of my mental soulmates. i met him through a friend. not legit meet, but i mean, was introduced to his work. i love how he overanalyzes things so commonly overlooked. i love just reading him and just thinking to myself about what he has to say. a lot of it is so true [except the beginning essay where he expressed hatred for coldplay, which isn't legitamite anymore because since then they have proved their worth !]. it's just things you overlook, and i like looking into those. i've been meaning to read klosterman for a while, and i'm so happy we've met. it's nice when you find that there are other people in the world, or in history, who can really understand you and your point of view. it's even better when it's someone you know for real and can actually talk to, but i can settle for books and authors. through literature you can tell a lot about a person just by their style, tone and subject matter. i'm also currently listening to kasabian. i really like this song 'the doberman.' it's sort of my perfect tone right now. i'm also sort of obsessed with this song by apes and androids, 'hot kathy.' i've been listening to it on repeat a lot. i just love how it's sort of staccato and then it turns into this repetitive tune that is totally catchy. i'm just getting into a lot of new music lately. anyway, i'm pretty much done venting and ready to get on with my essay. i've pretty much convinced myself that this blog is for my own personal benefit if i feel like venting. i'm done trying to make it interesting, not that i ever really tried i guess. there's not much to monitor with me right now.

i took this weird nap around 6 and woke up at 10. now i'm not tired and i'm going to be up all night. great job to me. i guess i'll just have a hardcore vent sesh. i feel like there's so much i want to pore out, but i don't know how much i'll end up bringing to the table. i feel like there's so much going on and i just don't know what to do sometimes. i'm probably going to spend most of the day tomorrow figuring it out. i'm in such a good mood and a good place, but at the same time, i feel like it's not enough, or like it's empty in a way. i feel like i'm sort of half slacking off, but i am trying. i just don't know what i'm spending my time on. i should really write it down sometime, like, next week. i'm listening to HIM right now and reminiscing about life, a bit. that band got me through some difficult times... but not without leaving scars unfortunately. it was what i enjoyed listening to at the time, but it wasn't the most uplifting music or the best choice. i guess as long as i'm alive it served its purpose, but i would've just forced rogue wave or the decemberists on myself if i could go back to then. then again, i like where i am. that's the thing with wishing you could change something or wanting to change something. i like my life right now and i wouldn't change anything. once you notice you're in a good place, you're alive and you have what you need, the past isn't as important. once you notice that if you were to go back in time and change something, you'd come back and things would be different, maybe you rethink. i always think like this; if i was to go back in time and give myself rogue wave instead of him, yeah, i might not have as many scars. i might have liked it, i might have hated it. whatever works, works. as long as whatever i was listening to was able to give me some sort of therapeutic reasoning, i have no regrets about listening to it. i think my life has a sort of rich history that not everyone has. not everyone has experiences like me. i've traveled, i've nights of terrible depression on the brink of self-destruction and nights where i just want the day to never end because it was so beautiful. i had my tough time and it just makes me that much better of a person. i wouldn't change a thing about my life in the past. i have so much material to save for later ! i have so many things i could make films about. plus, i have great friends, i'm in love, i have decent grades, i'm happy with who i am... it seems like enough to not want to change a thing. i'd be too afraid that something would get taken away. i don't want anything to leave.

i feel myself getting a sort of senioritis. people say when you're a senior you totally slack off in school and they call it senioritis. you're just rushing to get out and don't care how your grades go. i'm sort of feeling it, a bit. i've been half slacking, i suppose. i think i have at least an A or B in every subject. nothing lower. i'm in two clubs i'll have a leadership position in each next year. i run my own business. i read a lot, hence, i'll probably do decent on the SAT (but i do need to study more). i know there are places i'm lacking. no, i don't do sports, but i don't think film schools really mind. over the summer i'm hoping to build up a kickass portfolio. what else can i really do? i know i need to look more into colleges, and now that's it's late at night i'm thinking clearly. i know i'll get some excellent letters of reccomendation from my teachers. what else do i really need? i guess i could put more effort in my clubs. lately i've been slacking. maybe it's just this week i was really distracted with my love interest, hehe. i sort of slightly ditched both clubs, but it wasn't completely necessary to be there anyway. i think i missed some sort of national honor society meeting or something, but i feel like i miss everything lately. just last week i was sort of slacking a bit i suppose. tomorrow i think i'll spend a few hardcore hours on my ap paper and english essay. i want to get everything done tomorrow so i can have fun on sunday at guggenheim and make next week a little less stressful. i know when i wake up tomorrow i'll probably not be thinking this way, but i really want next week to be a bit less stressful than what i'm anticipating it to be. things just don't seem to be calming down the way i want them to. i think i'll be up until around 3AM tonight, just because of that dumbass nap i took in the middle of the day, ugh. i just noticed how i've been pretty much been typing non-stop for the past few minutes, without thinking at all about it. it just comes out so effortlessly. i'm going to write a few more paragraphs. i have things to talk about. don't bother reading on, really. it's just venting.

today we were supposed to be doing this thing for this club, blah. it was some sort of a craft project type thing and i was sort of eh about going. i was sort of preoccupied with the fact that any day i stay after and don't hang out with my love interest [it's so odd that i'm going to be repeatedly using this phrase, but for some reason i always feel awkward using the real name. i'm not sure why. i never like using people's real names when i'm blogging. it's just sort of odd or foreign to me]. i feel sort of like an alcoholic or something, except i'm addicted to our conversations and just him in general. when i stay after and he's not there, it feels empty. it feels incomplete and i feel like i need more. i'm an addict i guess. it's so strange. it sounds sort of like dependency, slightly, and that sort of scares me. but anyway, i was supposed to do this thing for this club, but ended up meeting with said love interest while i was on my way to going there. we just hung out for a solid half hour, hour, with the occasional "'i should probably go do that thing,' 'then go,' 'but i don't want to go,' 'then don't'" exchange of words. haha. unfortunately, i enjoy talking to him so much that i just don't really want to do anything else. it's like, once you've gotten the best thing, you don't want to go back to the suckish thing. ugh, i hate how i sound like a total drug addict. anyway, so we were walking around, and around, and around, everywhere. that's sort of our thing since like, last week. we just walk around together, just us, and talk endlessly about things that don't matter to half the population of the earth. we have so much in common that it doesn't matter. we could talk about string cheese or something, and it would last a while in conversation. i think we have spoken about string cheese before, actually. we can just pretty much talk about anything and have a good conversation. we were just walking and talking and then i ran into a friend of mine, who is in the club that i was ditching. it was sort of incredibly awkward, seeing as this friend and i sort of always had this sort of flirtatious type friendship. it's like that friend you always sort unintentionally flirt with and almost like 800 times but never really do. he seemed extra shaky, a bit uncomfortable and possibly jealous. i'm not sure if it's just me sort of flattering myself or that was what was really up, but it was sort of awkward. it was such an oddly placed dose of reality. i half despised it, i guess. when you have such good chemistry and conversation with someone, you're in a separate world, almost. the reality that i had a sort of obligation was sort of bullshit, haha, but i guess it's what i needed. but we've been spending so much time together that.. i don't know. there's just nowhere else i'd rather be anymore.

i just felt like writing today. i need to vent before i start on my homework, i suppose. ugh, i'm just in love, i guess. nothing really new outside of it. we've just been spending a lot of time together since last week. last friday we pretty much were either with each other or talking to each other for around 10 hours. that's almost half a day, hah. if not my love interest, we have pretty much become like best friends. we like all the same things and our conversations are never boring. we legit talk for hours, no exaggeration. he made me some cds this week. my favorite is the mix he made me. i didn't ask him to, he just did. it overwhelmed me so much because when i heard mahgeetah by my morning jacket on it.. i just really started to think this might be who i want. not like a small want, like a big rest of my life type want, which is sort of scary and a big leap for my small mind. why i thought this? i'm not sure. i guess it's just some sort of weird intuition. who knows. i was felt like i was going to cry around the end when i heard leaves in the river by sea wolf. i fell in love with that song, and i fell in love with him. it just all meant so much. the fact that i didn't ask him and it was sort of spontaneous was cute and the surprise of it just made it all that much better. haha, in that moment i forced my dad to bring me to go get some blank cds. i made him two mixes and gave them to him yesterday. we spent a good few hours together yesterday. we can just keep a conversation for so long that time goes by so quickly when we're together. i just totally blew off what i was supposed to be doing after school to just be with him, and he stayed after for no real reason, but we just hung out the whole time. i looked through his entire iPod, mostly. it's insane how many bands we have in common, and it's so much fun to talk about it. it's just like, this time it's not about being nice, being hot or wanting sex... well at least for me it's not. we're just such good friends and we match so well i just love him for everything he is. we can have deep conversation, but still act like asses together. i just love that sort of freedom. i don't have to act a certain way all the time, i can be myself. i feel like i don't have to hold anything back and i feel like he doesn't either. i mean, he's not the most perfect person i've ever met, but he is the most perfect for me. there are things he has that i don't have, and there are things i have that he doesn't. just some people you feel like you want to, or have to know. he is able to recommend me good music and good movies that i haven't heard or seen, and i'm able to do the same. it's like, we have the perfect amount in common and the perfect amount not in common. we have just enough that we can still tell each other about different things. i just feel like there is so much i can learn from him, but so much i want to show him, just to see what he'd think. what sort of scared me today is how sure i feel that he feels the same. i'm usually somewhat of a secretly jealous person. i don't like to tell people when i feel jealous, because i feel like so many people get jealous so easily that being laid back is the best way to be. i'm not sure if i've just finally become completely laid back, or if it's just i feel so confident that he's in love with me that i don't care what he does or who he's with. either way, i just feel no jealousy when he's with anyone else at all, and it scares me, but at the same time, i feel like that's an achievement of sorts. i don't worry about anything else because all i really care about is what he thinks and what i think. i like the feeling of it. i just don't care if we stay friends or become more than friends, really anymore. a relationship would be nice, but all i really want up to now is to just be with him all the time. as long as we can be together and have good conversation and stuff, i'm good.

i'm sort of beginning to accept the fact that i am, for the most part, in love. it's hard for me to completely let it sink in, but up to now i think it has. i've just never had this kind of chemistry with someone before... mixed with weird coincidences all over the place. it's just like, everytime we're together it's something new. we can talk for hours, and pretty much did last night. we're so similar and compliment each other so well, and i'm almost completely positive that he feels the same. i remember being slightly into him after we first really spoke, but it just gets more and more every time we're together. we have the most random, interesting, epic, incredible conversations. he gets me. it's just never been this much before. i've liked guys, i've thought i loved guys, but this is so much different. it's like we're meant to be together this time, and everything about us just matches. i'm just so excited, scared and overall happy. it's just the feeling that someone really understands who you are. it's prettty much all i ever wanted. he's all i ever wanted. someone i can talk to and respect who is also insanely lovable and sweet. our aspirations, interests and everything match. he wants to study abroad and go into the peace corps, like me. if that didn't win my respect, nothing would. it's just, i remember talking to my sister about the peace corps once. i was telling her maybe i'll find some guy in college who will go into the peace corps with me. she just laughed at me like, nah. i wasn't expecting that to happen, especially not this soon. i don't want to get too worked up about it, but i'm just so thrilled at how everything is playing out. we spent so much time together yesterday. at times when i'm with him, i feel like i don't care about anyone else in the world. the scary part is, sometimes i feel like he's all i need. i know that isn't at all justified, because there are so many people that i love and couldn't live without, but he is probably amongst the most amazing people i've ever met. he's so sincere and he makes me so happy. i just feel like there is no use looking around anymore while everything is right in front of me, completely obvious. we have all these random things in common that i can't talk to anyone else about. he's one of the only people i can talk about movies with. i'm just not used to having so much in common with anyone. i could go on about this whole thing forever. i'm just so excited to see where it takes me... or us. it's just something i've never felt before, and i'm so thrilled to be feeling. i just don't know how exactly we grew to be so much alike in such different environments. it all fascinates me to death. i really just want to hear every little thing he has to say. i love talking to him. all of it is just so much more than i ever thought i'd have, or deserved. i feel like i'm being rewarded in some way, for something. he's just... everything.

i need to regain focus. i've been in this apathetic mood for the past few weeks and i'm getting fed up with my lack of motivation. my priorities completely changed and it's not like i'm getting bad grades, it's just my mind is constantly in a different place and on particular people. i don't want to get swept away too fast and i've been trying really hard to slow myself down in terms of my feelings. i tend to fall fast, hard and get completely swept away, really fast. i hate that about myself sometimes. i don't want to get my heart broken over and over again. i know i tend to not be too empathetic with some other people, but i always want a safety net. sometimes i'm empathetic just because i usually have a lot on my mind. i know i should care more. i expect people to care how i feel and a lot of the time i ignore the feelings of others. i feel bad now. anyway, i just don't want to get hurt too bad. it's to the point where if i don't see him i feel sad. if i just saw him and got to speak to him at least once a day, i think i'd be fine. he is just my favorite person to talk to. everytime we talk i learn something new about him and usually i just like him even more. at times i feel like i'd be so much better if he could just always be in my life. someone i can relate to and share feelings with that makes me feel so warm inside. i don't know if i've ever felt so strongly towards anyone else... maybe once or twice. it's just like, the fact that i'm unsure of his feelings thus far, kills me. i think everyone is aware of my feelings. i feel like i'm coming onto him too much, now that i think about it. everyone who has ever seen me speaking with him, immediately knows i like him. when we first spoke, i instantly liked him. i wasn't expecting him to share so much interest with me. i feel tempted to say that i'm in love with him... but my fears of commitment and dependency are too large, as well as my fear of being hurt. i know i'm probably not the prettiest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the nicest girl in the world, i know i'm probably not the most deserving girl in the world, but i think it's evident i try hard and i don't know. ugh, i ramble on about this every time i come here. i'm so tempted to just say this all to him, but i'm so scared at the same time. it's starting to upset me, how far i've been sucked into this. i need a distraction, but i get reminded of him over such small things. hahaha. now i'm feeling silly. anyway, i guess i'll watch a movie and be done with all this. i want it to be tomorrow already, so i can get eternal sunshine back and watch it 24/7.

my thanksgiving was okay. after everyone left it sort of picked up. it was nice to see everyone, but the awkwardness and the insecurities about the room were too prominent to really regard it as a 'great' thanksgiving. everyone was in their own little place, but overall, i guess it's nice to just see everyone and have everyone together. my cousins are all down from college, my aunt and uncle from california came out, my relatives in new york were all over as always and my immediate family was here, mostly. after all the tension and everything was broken, my sister, brother, cousin, cousin's friend and i all played some old school nintendo 64. we played diddy kong racing n64, the original pokemon stadium and mario kart n64. it was so much fun. we were all screaming at each other and played until 1AM. i love nights like that, when everything just seems so happy, fun and right. i didn't rush into black friday today, but i did go to the mall. i bought a dress, sweater and shirt and h&m. it's one of my favorite stores. they didn't have much of a sale, so it wasn't a big rush, but i really like what i got, i hadn't shopped for myself in a long while. i finished christmas shopping already. the day before thanksgiving i was finished with my family. all i have left is my friends. i'm not sure who i'm buying for yet. i know two... everyone else i'm unsure about. anyway, i'm just happy to be done with it. i have a lot of english homework to do this weekend, but i'm sort of procrastinating a bit on everything. maybe i'll do my ap us vocab tonight, just to have it done. i need a boca burger because i feel like my brain wants some protein. i guess i'll leave it at that. i need to get back into the swing of things.

hot n cold has been stuck in my head, legit, all day ! i woke up this morning and the music video was on. on the bus to school i was singing it the whole time. i got to school and i sang it all first, second and third period. then it sat in my head all day until ninth period when i started seriously singing it again. it's still stuck in my head now ! hahah. i'm blasting it and dancing to myself right now. i'm in such a better mood from yesterday that i want to stay in katyperryland. right after i wrote all that shit and took a nap, i felt better and things got better. i just had a good night. i don't feel like typing details. but anyway, i love this song so much ! haha. i didn't mean to, but i just love it ! i love just blasting music and having a good time. i know this is going to be a good weekend and i'm looking forward to it so much ! i'm so happy that i'm going to have a nice break. all the unresolved issues feel halfway resolved and i'm just so relieved that things are looking up again ! i'm probably going to watch amelie tonight because i got it off netflix to lend it to a friend. it ended up that i didn't get it until today and now it's too late to lend it to him, haha. he still has eternal sunshine of the spotless mind from me so i guess it's better i wait until he finally watches that one (my favorite movie) before i expect him to watch the third best movie ! or fourth, i haven't decided if pan's labyrinth is better or not, yet, but either way, i just love this movie and i'm going to watch it to match the good mood i'm in. i just want to give someone a big hug right now. i'll probably squeeze my brother right after i finish typing here. i'm just in love with my life right now, and everyone in it. my sister comes home tomorrow, then it's thanksgiving, then it's black friday, then i'm hanging out with a friend on saturday and then sunday is city calm down. i'm so happy. things are going fine. i'm not rushing into anything. i'm just chill and whatever happens, happens. i'm just so excited and full of optimism that i feel like i can do just about anything.

i just want things to calm down. i just want myself to calm down. i just want my mind to be clear and my heart to be open. i'm tired of thinking about things, i just want to live my life again. when my mind is all muddled up it's hard to set myself straight. i just want to forget everything and be calmer and be at peace. i want to forget everything and just approach everything with an open mind and heart. i'm tired of thinking things over again and again and yet again. i just want to dive in and not worry about the consequence. i don't want to be thinking about what to say or how to act before i do or say something. i just want to do it. i just want to be free of my own feelings and feel like myself again. i'm the best version of myself i've ever been. i'm reeking in determination that probably isn't even worth it. maybe just sleeping things off will help, but right now, i'm just in such a muddle. i just want to break through the fog and be carefree. right now i'm caring too much. i'm completely afraid of my feelings and their consequence. i want to say the right things and act the right way. i don't want to blow anything, but the way i've been thinking everything through, i feel like i'm blowing everything. i just want to be normal again, not in love or like or whatever you or i would call it. i'm growing to hate the feeling and i'm pushing it away in any way i can. i just want to sleep for a good few hours. sleep it off, wake up, and not have a care in the world. not worry about the future, or fret about the past because it's the present and this moment, right now, should be all that matters. what it comes down to is, there is a world out there bigger than us. there is a world out there bigger than me, where things like this won't matter and how i feel won't matter. right now, feeling infinite, things just seem calmer, better. i feel nothing but the blood rushing to my head and through my body. the nerves coming over me and the mind sinking into this thought of infinity. i don't want to think of anything else unless i'm truly positive i'm in love with him. i don't want to think about it anymore. i don't want to worry about if i said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way. i'm me and that's all. i just want to feel like me again. i live to live like me. i live to be like me. i am me and always will be. this infinity is all i'll be once i'm gone, and i can't decide if i should just scare him off with my true feelings, wait until i find out if he feels the same or just expel him from my mind as best i can, which would be impossible. i know the logical choice that anyone would tell me, to tell him, but it's harder than that. i've laid it all out so many times that it's not even worth the plunge, i feel. maybe i'm too proud to be the one to say it all again. maybe i just don't want to get hurt, all i know is that the longer i wait and the more time passes, the more reasons i think of to not do it. to not have him and to not want him. i just don't want to worry about things anymore. i'm going to go take a long nap and leave Heima playing on my television screen. i'll sleep in iceland today. i'll nap in iceland and hopefully wake up there, in a new place, with a new life and away from him.